One Hand on Another

You’re tired; I’m worn-out… You’re grumpy; I’m cranky…You’re pushing me away; I’m staying to myself. At least we have something in common…

🎭Just me, I guess…🎭

I am a peacemaker, but my emotions are rather extreme. I think in an artistic way, but express myself in a passive way. In love, I seek excitement. I take on the role of the comedian.

Sincerely,

Honesty…

💌

People Panic…Do you?

I first would like to apologize if you disagree.

Secondly, many are out there making rash decisions. When your out of your routine things can get a little ichy. So I ask you which one are you? And why?

– The consumer

– The rebel

– The conspiracy theorist

– The spiritual guide

I’ll tell you, mine… If you tell me yours. 😚

💚Habitual Love💚

The comfort that lingers is thick…

I want to run at the first sign of it!

Every time I almost break free…

I can feel you inside of me.

Just pull me closer…

On second thought, let me off this roller coster.

You are my Polaroid…

An instant fix for this void.

Real Release

It’s a shame;

You behave…

I should stop going to your place!

You always lie..

Go get high.

You said you’ve seen me with that guy…

oh, oh, oh yeah..

Hang on don’t go –

We both know..

We can stoop excessively, low.

0h…oh…oh…oh

It’s a shame…

I hate these games!

Do you even remember her name?

This is lame…

You’re ashamed,

You’d feel better if you behaved

You’re not welcome at my place.

KBJ

Just another Layer of the Sun…

Dear helping hand,

Get it out of me…hurry!

Even the lines are all getting blurry.

I don’t know why it’s tearing apart my body.

I’m confused at this path you pave me

You feel like concrete darling,

Am I being punished or saved?

Yours Truly,

Desperate Despair

The Lingering Catalyst

I can feel myself deteriorate;

I fell so toxic.

We made what we could make…

I should have used logic!

There’s a tiny lump inside me;

I can feel the scabs flake away.

The pain I can feel on my knees,

Desperately, I pray.

Just when you think the chapter gets better,

The pages have been marked up and scribbled upon,

Some of them even stuck together!

After all there is always darkness before dawn…

Deep Down

The silence is frightening;

I am forced to deal.

You have a grip on my breathing that seems to be tightening;

I HATE to feel.

The sadness I cannot bare,

For I wrestle with fate.

The only reflection is my empty, stare.

My stomach turns at the thought of being late.

Parts of me begin to surface;

There is no hiding…

It’s meant for me to find my purpose.

Maybe it’s there that love will find me?

I’ve NEVER agreed with farewell.

Timing is the key;

For societal, life is a cell!

One day it shall be.

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Coming back to life, OUCH!

I know you hate to lose,

You’re probably wishing it was you; that I would choose.

But I am tired of being your muse.

Can’t you find someone else to use?

I might cave.

But once I get home, I won’t want to stay

I feel at peace when I am away

It is me that needs saved!

Because I can’t trust how you’ll behave

Idk if it’s them that should be ashamed

Or maybe, it’s you that’s to blame…

All I know is your energy throws some shade

I was struggling to breathe and you had it made.

We have to different, visions in our heads.

You’re two beers away from being dead.

And I’m over here trying not to eat bread…

It feels over even when it wasn’t said.

KBJ

P.S. That stung a bit, huh?

I Can Feel You

It all began with a lump in the throat forged by abandonment;

Quickly, followed by the uncertainty of the future.

No choice was given except clinging tightly the the one thing left, even if it was not reciprocated.

Whether the situation involved being taken or running away, the only feeling left was hollow resentment.

Trauma seeks love, but love cannot be given from it.

Survival mode takes over and it shapes and grows the destiny of bitterness.

One may fight and the other may run, but in reality one just needs to be loved.

Love cannot be given unless received.

KBJ

I choose you too!

You choose me when I’m insecure,

Even when my speech is all blurred.

Or when my judgement maybe curved.

You choose me when I wouldn’t

Although, you probably shouldn’t

Thank for doing it when I couldn’t

You choose me when I over think,

Even when depression is on the brink,

In all of my plans you straighten out the kinks.

You choose me when I’m all sad and ugly

Even grab me tight when I’m not feeling cuddly,

It is always at my worst you tell me I look lovely.

Just when I think we’re loosing, it is me you keep choosing…

A Stillness Wonder…

You don’t reach out although smothered by hands.

Admitting to the fear,

Is that of moral stance.

It is too toxic for you to remain near.

I crumple our compassion and hand it over,

Love in your heart has left.

You can not win at life by simply using a clover,

It hurt me to know we will end by a slow death.

Call me selfish, but I was taught to be a warrior.

I hope you realize it is love you deserve,

For with love change is loyal.

Motherhood is my stop, but remember what we have learned…

Conundrum #77,777

So is this whole being in the same place that you have before where you make different results? I don’t know if this is my meaning here or maybe my exit. I’m either here to always chose love and light no matter the situation or I’m a dumbass that’s simply insane. I am open for constructive criticism at this point ya’ll! I’ve been here many time – deciding between fighting for myself or my relationship. I keep coming to this point and I have chose both roads before. Once I turned right and stayed helping and growing- well, more apart than together – but I am sure you get the idea. I have also hung a left around the corner of my give a damns busted and went to perfect being a mom and single. So, there you have it, Universe! I broke the cycle! Time to stop the test, right? Fancy seeing you here again…

So my lovely, “love and light side ” be with me through this bout of anxiety and please persist on the reminding me to just make a damn decision!

Particular Ponderings

I find myself in the same repetitive cycle. Once again, the feeling of familiarity arises during the battle of hearts. I’m choosing a different path than the many I have previously walked. I can feel wishful thinking wiggling it’s eager way to the forefront of the future. However, to walk this particular path, I must focus on the faintest of steps with no destination in mind. Sort of a let go and let it be motto… I have never understood focusing on the moment until now. It is as if I have broken free. The peace and resonance of self love is solace. I struggle with the yearning to heal those I can see are broken, but now comes the time I must revive my soul. I will always lend the one hand and forever it will be there to help direct humanity to love, but the other hand must console me. I celebrate hope moment by moment and smile knowing it will construct what is meant to be.

✌🏼💛☯️

John 14:16-17

“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.”

Am I Found?

Just like that… I’m back,

I’m in the purple of the flame;

The all that’s not to blame.

You might have felt as though, you gave me the fame…

The safe part is behind that plaster you value; you still look lame.

Ha, Ha! If only you could feel it,

The righteousness of my kiss.

It is having a good heart that is bliss;

I’m sorry it’s public. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I’m sure you’re slightly pissed.

Untuck you’re shirt, you never did that before,

I’m sorry, I bet, slightly, it’s a bore.

I just hope it counts,

Your name sounds good just by the way my lips feel when I say the way it sounds.

The past is a mistake made by both of us, it weighs mounds;

I’m sorry if it is me that you think you found.

The struggle isn’t real…

We’ve all heard it – “The struggle is real!” I call bullshit (for lack of a better term). We do it to ourselves. We put up with the stress and unhappiness. For what? Do we really believe that we will wake up one day and suddenly be in live with a job we have hated for years? Will our spouse suddenly want to be someone they haven’t been for the last several years? Will our bank accounts suddenly fill with money as we sit on our couch watching tv? NO! NO! NO! We know to be wealthy it takes getting off the couch. We know that our spouse will NOT wake up tomorrow wanting to be someone else. The job? Well, the likely hood of that changing, is NEVER! But we sit and wait thinking about how it could it be different or how what we have will magically become it. If perception is reality then why does the yearning for something other than what we have exist? We would rather try to perceive that our life is this dream we have always wanted and be disappointed that it is not, than to find the reality we seek. Maybe, it’s the separation of you from me, that makes it confusing. One day the job, the spouse, the money it all becomes possible when you perceive yourself having it. So the struggle is not real it’s continual false reality of habitual patterns. Peace, relaxation, love is REAL.

Soulmate, aka, Warrior

I had always imagined love to be some sort of fairy tale. Ya know, one of those best friend relationship kind of vibes? It was today, I found out the truth:

  1. Love will leave you naked- with that comes embarrassment, self-pity, & high expectations…
  2. Your scars are revealed and relived – Those deep dark pits of despair and loneliness… Prepare to reopen and explore.
  3. Fear will be in overdrive – It will feel like a shelter, a parent disappointed in you, but willing to hug you when tears begin to fall.

I had imagined no disagreements. Only waking up every morning to someone ready to explore their day just as I had planned. Love is more than companionship, it is commitment. I never wanted to commit, I only wanted to be a companion. However, I have found my Soul Mate, and I realize I do NOT want to be with someone like me, I want to be challenged, loved, pushed, & praised. I need adventure and growth. I deserve to be loved and valued. My gracious God, thank you for being stronger than I in times of weakness, you are my faith, you are my rock. And to you, my warrior, you are my home.

I love you,

Your completely crazy, hippie, fierce, lover.

-KBJ

One Day, Love… One Day

One day…

You will find someone who loves even the darkest parts of your soul.

You will receive what you give.

You will not be let down by broken promises.

You will know without a doubt that he loves your child(ren) as you do.

You will stop believing in what people say and only what they do.

You will feel stable and safe, with the ability to trust your partner.

One day, my love you will be loved in return. Don’t give up.

-KBJ

Fake Fairy Tales

Every little girl has her favorite Disney Princess; Her own imaginable love story. There’s an automatic expectation that girls should be rescued and protected by a knight in shining armor. Or that her love will be so great it will transform a beast into an honest man… Don’t get me wrong the whole’ “love story” thing is blissful, but it’s nothing like what Disney introduced. It may have not been realistic, but tall tales gave love hope.

And all lived happily ever after… We’ve all heard that a few times, it it’s not that simple. It requires work. A specific choice to put energy into something even when you don’t want to. It’s loving every inch of yourself, so that you can unconditionally love another. I am confident in the end that, Yes, you do end up, “happily ever after”, but I believe the magical story is in the journey of growing together.

True love will strip you naked of everything you thought you knew of it. You will feel like a vulnerable fool with no way of escaping a constant look in the mirror. Both of you forces to overcome fears and flaws, but in the arms of peace. Just as children are God’s way of loving us as we grow, true love is just as patient.

“Love is a journey without a map…” -unknown

Dear, Discernible Future

You came along and taught me that I am capable. I was too stubborn to put enough trust into something new. I should taken time to trust myself…You were familiar and you knew the worst parts of me. The understanding of human flaw we shared was undeniable. We needed each other and a swift kick in the ass. I knew when I met you that you would play a significant role in my life. I thought for many years you were my forever and always and I was right. I will forever be grateful for our time spent together and I will always remember what we discovered about life – Yin & Yang. We were perfectly paired enough to create change within. I was great at teaching someone how to love themselves and you knew how to love everyone but yourself. I was giving; you had nothing to give. I was never honest with myself; you were honest with yourself about what you wanted in life.

I stood in disbelief when you said it was me…

☯️

-KBJ

😁Stay trippy, hippies… ✌🏼

Un-Tuned —-*

“There are many occasions that our soul recognizes what it needs, but our heart & mind misinterpret.”

-KBJ

-Worn & Wrinkly

I can feel myself ripping at the seams,

Begging to walk about noticeably, frayed.

The truth is devastating.

I do not want to see, but I long for illusion.

After all, the destination remains the same, but only one comes with a smile.

It maybe temporary bliss, but I remain faithful to hope.

-KBJ

Dear, 2019 … Bring it on!

I could tell by the first few day of this year; I will be challenged. Thankfully, 2018 helped shape me into a warrior. I experienced things that I never imagined to be possible. I was enlightened by my own manifestations. Just as I was in the verge of surrender, I found myself. I am centered, strong, and ready to change my vibes.

2019 = 3 in numerology.

My Life Path number: 3

Buckle up, it’s about to be a wild ride!

-KBJ 😎💆🏻‍♀️☯️💫#️⃣🌎♾

I Don’t Blame, ya!

It may have taken me a nervous breakdown and an sobering amount of self-pity, but I figured it out without explanation. Instead of destroying it; you wanted to preserve the link. It was impossible for me to heed, coming from a series of conditional relationships. I’m not sure if it was the anxiety or pride that made it difficult to interpret the language you spoke, but it was in my grace that it was not ignored. Although, I think it would have been one of those too good to be true situations:  Neither of  us were comfortable with unconditional love. I knew how to give, but not receive and you… the opposite. We were counterparts, never noticing that together we we became whole; a metamorphic life lesson neither of us were yet deserving of. It was not in my journey of unity with the universe, but in my exploration of self  that I found conviction.

-KBJ

“(D)on’t (B)reak, (K)id”

To my sweet, rosy-cheeked, little mischief-maker,

I am writing this as your mother, although, you refer to me as Wonder Woman, I am human. It will be years before you read this and I may change it a million times, but there are a few things in this world I can protect you from. If I had it my way I would stand strong & tall, with a shield just like Wonder Woman and shield you from any hurt you may experience throughout life. However, if I did so, I would be robbing you of living. My job is not done until, I not only teach you to survive, but teach you to live.

My first piece of advice, I am sure you will have no problem understanding. I cannot protect you from emotions. However, I urge you in any negative moment, stand strong! Stay true to your values and morals, even when others can be excused for violating them. Although, I feel like there is never an,” excuse”, for someone violating your standards, wants, or needs; it happens. The only person that can choose who you become, is you. Don’t cave in and sacrifice yourself for another. You’re big loving heart is probably confused after you read that, but I can tell you from experience, if you give, overlook, make exceptions, and put someone’s needs before your own, it will not change anyone but yourself.  It is easy to lose yourself in helping others, but what you need to remember is someone who wants to be healed will ask for help.

Secondly, we don’t all think, talk, or receive things the same. We all come from different places, standards, cultures, and environments. You are the ONLY, you, there is out there. Your past, your mistakes, your present, and successes are what make you unique. There is not another human being walking around out there that had the same path you did. We are all flawed beings from the start, but don’t ever forget you have the power to be who or whatever you wish. Find yourself and stand firm, some will love you and some will not, but don’t ever expect something from someone. Expectations are what let us down. Hope with all your heart, but don’t ever expect someone to treat you as you treat them. You can hope those around you will change, but you cannot force it or do it for them. All you can do is lead by example and if stones are thrown your way, Don’t break, kid, not everyone is going to appreciate your journey. Change happens within, it is a very personal thing that occurs from the yearning of the soul. There will be times you are forced to choose yourself and it will feel terrible and wrong in many days, but it is up to you to remain complete because your cannot love anyone else until you love yourself.

We have one life to live and as we have always said:

“What’s in there, love?” (points to her son’s chest)

“My heart!”

“And what’s in your heart?”

“Love, mommy!”

“That’s right, and whats the only thing that can change the world?”

“LOVE!” 🙂

“Where does change start?”

“ME!”:)

Love yourself and others. Be thankful and kind, my little soldier. If you learn anything along journey learn to love and be loved.

-KBJ

The Euphoric Mishap

“It was a smile that hung cock eyed, just enough to melt the hearts of women. Con-artist were envious of it’s glow and  felt less of themselves in it’s presence. On rare occasions I would desire to be the recipient of it’s affection, convinced it was perpetual. At the culmination of it’s existence the smile was wiped away by eternal vanity. Today, it is merely that of a rancid smirk, deep-seated in evanescent velvet.”

-KBJ

Heaven

I imagine it to be an all over consciousness of unyielding love. Something that is comparable to lying in the clouds surrounded by ripples of comfort; drifting about in utter Peace. It is a jubilation that has no metric of time to prepare or reminisce. It is surely a place of belonging, security, certainty… complete acceptance and devotion.

Don’t Slip…

You could blow it.

It’s only present if you let it be.

I know sometimes I may just be lit,

But I promise it’s you in my vision(s) that I see!

You not only become a part of me,

But you stand firmly with such grit.

God forbid, I try to give you love for free;

At this rate, I don’t know how I could ever quit.

-KBJ

•You make me Believe•

There is something that draws me toward you. You make all those fake little moments we have in life seem surreal. I see a person with such love and intensity hiding behind a visceral mask. Our reflection is charming in hindsight. To put it, simply -we know how I like to complicate things – You make me believe!

-KBJ

– Looking Back –

“A part of you respected me, while the other questioned whether I love you. Trust in your heart for it will remain obliged”

-KBJ

Do you really know God?

“God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.”

John 4:24 ESV

God is spirit, but who is spirit? Or what is spirit?

As defined by, Oxford Dictionary:

[ Spirit: Noun; the nonphysical part of a person that is the seat of emotions and          character; the soul.  Synonyms: Psyche, (Inner) self, Inner being, Mind, ego; “We seek a harmony between body and spirit”]

Thus making, [God] a state of mind, an inner being. Therefore, we are to devote within ourselves and reality.

God is unity of the mind and reality – consciousness. Oxford Dictionary supports this idea with defining consciousness as, “the fact of awareness by the mind of itself and the world”.

God is being aware. God is life, living, further more creation! The soul yearns to be loved and who embraced the energy leads to creation.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

Genesis 1:1 ESV

If you’re still following me, this scripture is quite simple to elaborate upon. Try reading the Bible replacing God, with Love, using it as a noun.

Love, created the heavens and the earth!

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 John 4:8 ESV

The, “word became flesh”, Jesus was living proof the truth was in perception.

[See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure.]

1 John 3:1-24 ESV 

He was beyond those he influenced. Jesus shared the pathway to peace with those around him. Thus, enlightening the common people to a personal stairway to heaven. Whether we describe heaven as a dimension, a place in the clouds, or a state of being the end result is all the same. If one can master the art of self-love and find the place between soul and reality, you will reach the highest level of awareness, the supreme realm of peace, a heaven within. You’re reality will no longer effect you. If you are blind, you will now be able to see.

-KBJ

Take my Advice

“People are rarely who they claim to be; but perhaps it is who they wish to become?”-KBJ

Wandering Women

“If you make him your shelter; you will be left bare. Smile in the rediscovery for it will be your journey. ”

– KBJ

Subconsciously

I am either over flowing with emotions that defeat logic or my thoughts are eagerly bouncing about like a game of ping pong in hope that my indecisiveness may become dormant.

-KBJ

Authentically, Rule the Occassion.

Solitude waits patiently lurking between the conscious and subconscious. The unfamiliar territory is home to a duplicate of me. She is wild, fearless, and leads with her heart. We share the same mirror, but our reflections are differing. I can no longer ignore the roar and she is on the prowl. It is from her perspective that I will thrive.

-KBJ

Let it be you!

Why does it feel so wrong to chose myself? I’ve been here too many times to count. A whirl wind romance on the fritz staggering between falling apart or becoming toxic. I’m not a victim. I know my faults, flaws, and wrong doings. I know I continue the vicious cycle, I cringe at the first flare up of an argument because I know it is the beginning of a down hill battle of respect among one another. I know this path better than the route home from work. I run with the idea that different actions will create different reactions. I have been loving, selfish, understanding, distant, and as a last resort committed to therapy! None of them of which have changed the outcome.

I’ve lost myself in the conundrum of , “Can people really change?”.  We are human. We make mistakes. We also learn and grow, is there a rule book somewhere that justifies a fair fight? How many times does someone get to overstep boundaries before the refs calls a personal foul? Or maybe I need to look within for the answers. Is it a matter of low self-esteem and poor choices? Did I accept a mission from the universe to help heal those that have almost given up? This is my life, my choices, and what I allow, but I struggle with leaving. I would say it is 90% because I’m worried they will give up on themselves again and 10% of not wanting to be alone. My solution, space. I ask for space to be upset, clear my head, and recharge. All any man ever seems to hear when I say this is, “I hate you and I am giving up”.  So, not what happens in the movies, right? What happened to sending flower just because she makes you smile?

It is a repetitive pattern. So I can only assume this is between me and Karma, but damn it, when will I get it right? I am an acquaintance with all my ex’s. It makes me sick to my stomach to hear, ” I feel like I don’t deserve you”. I have heard it all too many times, but it brings me to my latest epiphany. Where are the “middle men”. at? The one’s that aren’t perfect or rich, but they want to provide for their family and respect women? I feel like it is a choice of conforming to the lifestyle of a man that is rich to feel as though your are with a provider or dismantle your self-respect to be with someone that give the illusion of being in love with who you really are until it comes to fruition. I’m soul that has to roam free, so there will be no conforming for the sake of a false sense of security. I want so badly to draw the line in sand when it comes to falling in love with illusion, but it tricks me better and better each go around.

My thoughts are jaded and my heart is confused. As I look around at couples, I can’t help, but think it’s an unspoken acceptance of settling. He has the money, she has the looks. Ya know, the cliche type of political relationships you see where one benefits from the other, but the benefit is not that of love. I’m not perfect and I am too rough around the edges to date a man with my career focus. Nor am I willing to sacrifice my hopes and dreams to stay at home with the children. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t contribute just because I want someone available in my small amount of free time. I guess it is silly to think there is something in between, huh? I’m a mom that is married to her career…

” Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will wake up and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore.” -Lady Gaga

🌜Love thyself to the Moon and Back🌜

You are that of a divine creation,

Do NOT live within the dictation.

They have created a dependent civilization;

This way of life disturbs the essential vibration.

Emotions are tossed and turned in the gravitation,

For we yearn for the shifts of  lunation.

Throughout the majestic rotation,

Societal life fills the soul with vexation.

Awaken  thyself to our true formation.

It is a journey of love, not that of humation.

Explore yourself through mediation,

It is in the subconscious you may enjoy a bit of liberation.

-KBJ

The Missing Key

I just have these days: gloomy, doubt-filled, in-complacent, dark, and dirty days that just creep up without warning. It is in these moments I can’t find what it is I need to change. What is the actual problem here? Is this just some universal shift or do I need a complete life make over? The stress, disappointment, and lack of interest is unreal, but I can never pin point the problem. I can intellectually spill my guts, but emotionally I am numb. I was doing so well finding happiness in new beginnings, doing things for myself. I had 3 month long sabbatical of excitement and joy! All to end up right back here, walking around like Eyyore from Winnie the Pooh.

Life throws me lemons, and I tend to make Lemon Rita’s out of them. I turn the negative energy into positive energy that goes back out into the world, all  sassy and ready to make people smile. I do well for quite sometime. I bury myself in daily life responsibilities and relaxing adventures. Most of the time I move on to a different stage of life. I’m then ready to to take on the world, yet again…

There is something different about this time. The negative energy keeps waging war inside. I feel tired, but restless. I think about changing careers or selling my home. I seclude myself and sleep. It’s like I am on auto-pilot floating through life simply waiting for some path choosing moment. I want to feel alive. I want to smile. I want to be able to meditate and wash this negative energy away!

This isn’t it for me. I have always overcome all obstacles. I have turned pain and sorrow into motivation and strength. If only I can find the auto-pilot button and turn it off. Surely, I can’t be stuck in this mode. May the good vibes, come and sweep me away.

Flip Side

It’s a serene place, really. One that feels like home, but you don’t know it until you leave kind of place. It offers the comfort of hygee. It’s a place filled with such open space it feels free to be naked. It’s strange to feel free. Vulnerable;if you consider growing in a place just waiting to be explored? You must be careful not to stay too long. It will make you miss it that much more.

(/)Drugs(/)

Oh, how I hate what you have taken,

Leaving behind the  lifeless.

Strength is forsaken,

For the pain caused seems to be silenced.

 

I want you to stop, now!

You have taken the one’s with bright smiles.

My family and friends are mine, for you I will not endow.

Faith and strength is needed for these trials.

 

It is my mission to do as you have done to the innocent,

For it is you I will ruin!

You have no power, it is in your execution I will be vigilant.

Love will win because it is something you do not pursue in.

-KBJ

 

This or That? – Tag you’re it! :)

Now that my blog has grown a bit, I get to mingle!

Thank you, Superheroes009 (https://superheroes009.wordpress.com) for tagging me in this fun post!

I hope that many people get a chance to check out our fun pages. I’m excited to see how this goes. I think it is a great idea to share some of our quirky sides and interact with one another. Thank you for sharing this awesome opportunity to mingle.

I want to first warn you all that I am high indecisive, so I will apologize for my answers ahead of time. Ha Ha!

Let’s do this, ya’ll! 🙂

Rules

  1. Thank and tag the person that has tagged you
  2. Attach the tag photo
  3. Answers the “This or That” questions
  4. Tag 10 – 20 friends.

Question and Answer

  1. Q: Dog or Cat?
    Dog, man’s best friend, duh! But, I have to settle for a Cat because I am never home. However, can they be potty trained to use the toilet?
  2. Q: Netflix or YouTube?
    Netflix, for sure!
  3. Q: Phone call or text?
    Text messages for this chicka, I  love to write…
  4. Q: Toast or Eggs?
    Eggs, who actually eats toast?
  5. Q: Cardio or Weights?
    Cardio, I heard it burns more calories…
  6. Q: Facebook or Twitter?
    Facebook. I can get more creative.
  7. Q: Ice cream cone or Snow cone?
    OMG! I haven’t had a Snow cone in years. Let’s go get one, Stat!
  8. Q: Mobile Games or Console Games?
    Neither. Not a game fan. :-/
  9. Q: While walking: Music or Podcasts?
    Music, of course. I love me some Journey. ❤
  10. Q: iOS or Android?
    I Phone! IOS, all the way. Just take a bite of the Apple, you know you wanna.
  11. Q: Cake or Pie?
    Pie, under one condition… Must have graham cracker crust. Yum!
  12. Q: Swimming or Sunbathing?
    Both. Can’t have one without the other.
  13. Q: Big Party or small Gathering?
    Small Gathering, less pressure.
  14. Q: New clothes or New Phone?
    New clothes. I’m going shopping. Who’s coming with me?
  15. Q: Rich friend or Loyal friend?
    Loyal friend. “Momma didn’t raise no fool”! I can make my own money, but loyalty is rare these days,
  16. Q: Football or Basketball?
    Who really picks one or the other? That’s why the seasons are at different times, ha ha!
  17. Q: Nice car or Nice Home Interior?
    Nice Home, cars are overrated.
  18. Q: What’s worse: Laundry or Dishes?
    They are both equal in the matter of having to put the clothes or dishes away. Or is there a machine that does that these days?
  19. Q: Jogging or Hiking?
    Heck yeah, I love hiking!
  20. Q: Bath or Shower? Shower
  21. Q: Sneakers or sandals? Sandals, who REALLY needs shoes, at all, though?
  22. Q: Glasses or contacts?
    Contacts, because I buy too many cute pairs of sunglasses.
  23. Q: Hamburger or Taco?
    Is it Taco Tuesday, yet?
  24. Q: Couch or Recliner?
    Recliner, I don’t wanna share. 😛
  25. Q: Online shopping or Shopping in a store?
    Online, saves on gas.
  26. Q: Email or Letter?
    Letter, I love penmanship. ❤
  27. Q: Passenger or Driver?
    Driver, if i know where I am going. Passenger if it’s unfamiliar territory.
  28. Q: Tablet or Computer?
    Computer, something about the click and clack of keys on a key board. 🙂
  29. Q: Intelligent or Funny?
    Funny, I’m a good teacher…
  30. Q: Car or Truck?
    Car, zoom…zoom.
  31. Q: Blue or Red?
    Black…
  32. Q: Money or Free Time?
    Free Time, money can’t buy happiness. Tried it, didn’t work.
  33. Q: Amusement Park or Day at the Beach?
    How about an amusement park on the beach? Now we are talking…
  34. Q: At a movie: Candy or Popcorn?
    Both, let’s not be greedy, now.
  35. Q: Pen or pencil?
    Pen, I hate pencils.
  36. Q: Toilet paper: Over or Under?
    Under, it’s a standard rule! Com’n people. ha ha!
  37. Q: Cups in the cupboard: Right Side Up or Up side down?
    Right side up, they’re already dry…
  38. Q: Pancake or Waffle?
    Chocolate chip waffle toasted with peanut butter. You’re welcome! 🙂
  39. Q: Coke or Pepsi?
    Mountain Dew or Monster, Yuck.
  40. Q: Coffee Cup or Thermos?
    Coffee Cup
  41. Q: Blinds or Curtain?
    Blinds, for sure.
  42. Q: Train or Plane?
    Plane, although I haven’t been on a train.
  43. Q: Phone or Tablet?
    Is this a trick question?
  44. Q: Iced Coffee or Hot Coffee?
    Iced.
  45. Q: Meat or Vegetables?
    I like meals that have both, just saying…
  46. Q: International Vacation or New TV?
    International Vacation, tv is overrated.
  47. Q: Save or Spend?
    Save
  48. Q: Honesty or Other’s Feelings?
    Honesty
  49. Q: Coffee or Tea?
    Tea
  50. Q: TV or Book?
    TV
  51. Q: Movie at Home or Movie at the Theater?
    Theater unless you want me asleep on the couch. ZzZzZ
  52. Q: Ocean or Mountains?
    Ocean, the waves are hypnotic!
  53. Q: Horror Movie or Comedy Movie?
    Comedy, I’m afraidy cat.
  54. Q: City or Countryside?
    Countryside
  55. Q: Winter or Summer? Summer
  56. Q: Mac or PC? PC
  57. Q: Console Gaming or PC Gaming?
    Console
  58. Q: Soup or Sandwich?
    Sandwich, bring me the meat!
  59. Q: Card Game or Board Game?
    Card game, ugh! I miss Spades.
  60. Q: Camping or Binge Watching Shows at Home?
    Camping
  61. Q: Working Alone or Working in a Team?
    Alone
  62. Q: Dine In or Delivery?
    Delivery
  63. Q: Sweater or Hoodie?
    Hoodies, make my life!
  64. Q: Motorcycle or Bicycle?
    Motorcycle
  65. Q: Book or eBook?
    Book, in hand….
  66. Q: When sleeping: Fan or No fan?
    Fan, ceiling only!
  67. Q: TV Shows or Movies?
    TV shows. My adhd won’t let me watch a movie. lol

I tagged the following people to participate in this fun-filled adventure with the rest of us. If you are not one that likes the Blogger Awards or The This or That participation, my apologies. I want you to know that I only nominate you because I find your page intriguing and you have supported me among my journey. So, know that I only nominate you out of support for your amazing talents. If you wish not to participate, I understand, but please be flattered, because your talent should be celebrated! 🙂

ArtsyChic Creations

The Colour of Madness

Silver Screenings

Byungafallgren

Dave Gardner

3sistersabroad

The Controversial Indian

Paul Rados

Scott OConnor

Valentine’s Fall

I’m excited to see all your answers and get to know you better!

Stay trippy, hippies! ❤

Mystery Blogger Award

YAY!!! I am beyond words, right now! I have finally been nominated for a Blog award! Hip, hip, hooray!

A HUGE thank you is in order for The Hippy chic for nominating me! Thank you, Michelle!She writes from an honest heart and shares her struggles and triumphs with us all. A true blogger to say the least.

Check out her fun, truthful, and passionate blog page at: https://worldpress957.wordpress.com/

Now as we all know, this nomination comes with some rules:

THE RULES:

-Thank whomever nominated you and include the link to their blog.

-Put the logo/image on your blog.  List the rules.

-Tell your readers three things about yourself.

-Nominate 10-20 bloggers you feel deserve the award.

-Ask your nominees 5 questions of your choice; including one weird or funny one.

-Notify nominees by commenting on their blog.

Which as many of you already know, I write from the mind and heart. Writing helps me find myself within all the billions of thoughts my mind creates. Although, I try my best to hide it, I wear my heart on my sleeve. However, when I write there isn’t a thought or emotion I conceal within. So, you will find a lot out about be by reading just one of my blogs. However, to share a few things you may have not known about be, I kept it simple. 🙂

  1. I strive for perfection because although, perfection is not attainable, it keeps me reaching for success.
  2. I love to sing.
  3. I find personal growth necessary for happiness.

Now to answer questions from the Hippy Chic. 🙂 🙂 🙂

1.Would you consider your family functional or dysfunctional?

Dysfunctional, but that’s what sets us apart. It keeps me busy with personal growth.

2. What are your core values?

Honesty & Kidness

3.Would you consider yourself addicted to anything?

Yes, staying busy.

4. Most embarrassing moment?

I walked straight into a glass door and fell straight back onto the floor with a bloody nose. (My family didn’t know whether to laugh or cry)

5.Do pigs, indeed, fly?

Our perception is reality.

My Nominees

Julio Jimenez

facingvictory

Nikita Mundhra

Padmasandhya

essenceoftimeblog

Rageshree

Just Another Single Dad

Ortensia

porngirl3

Downing

SonniQ

Now I ask ya’ll….

  1. Why do you blog?
  2. What is your favorite hobby?
  3. Do you prefer paper or plastic bags?
  4. If you could have any super power, what would it be?
  5. What is the quote you live your life by?

 

Fight for your Peace, not your Freedom

Freedom, as defined by Merriam Webster, is the right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint. On a holiday such as, the Fourth of July, we must remind ourselves that it isn’t just about a grilled burger and beer. It is necessary to pay tribute to those  in the military, selfless enough to fight in the battlefields to protect our Nation’s freedom.  In my celebrating of those that have served to protect, I began to think about freedom within our nation.

We have freedom as a Nation. However, do we have freedom within our Nation? Societal rules, regulations, and laws impede on our personal freedom. However, in most cases this is to protect our nation as a whole from crime, sin, or destruction. In other countries, a crime such as, stealing will result in the removal of fingers. In retrospect, our individual freedom is protected even in events of crime more so, than in other Nations. That in itself is something to celebrate! Happy Fourth of July, ya’ll! However, our Nation nor any other nation is truly free, according to the definition of freedom. So are we fighting for something that is impossible to achieve?

To truly honor the meaning of freedom we would have to remove all military, police, government, and the justice system. This would cause chaos throughout the nation, but each individual would be truly free of any rules, regulations, or boundaries. This would allow unjust acts to go without justice. Could you imagine a life with no repercussions for the way you act, speak, or think? It would be lead to pandemonium. So I ask you this… Is it Freedom we should be fighting for or Peace?

Peace is defined by dictionary.com as freedom from disturbance, tranquility, or freedom from war and violence. Our sole purpose is not to have the freedom to act, speak, or think in a negative manner. The souls purpose is to love. Freedom is found in love through peace. It is the removal of disturbance, war, & violence that creates peace. It is not freedom that the soul seeks, but Peace that our spirit yearns for. A government fights for freedom, an individual fights for peace.

My hat is off for all those men and women soldiers of military that have served, fallen, and protected our Nation. You have allowed me the  national freedom to fight for my peace. It is each and every one of you that are the true warriors.

“Freedom lies in being bold” – Robert Frost

The Healer or Warrior?

An explanation becomes the root of all destruction. Where was I when this took a turn? How can something so beneficial become something that creates destruction? All good intentions are never enough. There is tightness, the griping of self-worth at its peak keeping me from moving forward. How do you get through? – To yourself, let alone to him? I want so badly to express how I feel to be understood, so I can get free from the grip of insanity.

It was so fulfilling, as if completing the last piece of a puzzle. A remembrance of whom I used to be, an arousal of self-passion. I smiled about things, I was once blind to. A connection, some sort of completion… A true understanding of another’s soul. As with all in life, there comes a time of choice to continue or end.

I was terrified, afraid; I denied the inevitable until it become apparent. I stared love in the eyes. I worked so hard to become one with myself. I made it! I broke free! I found happiness in who I was. I could help others do the same. Life was fruitful, and adventurous. I influenced the lives around me for the better. All past mistakes, misconceptions, and demons were non-existent.

I endlessly searched to find someone who understood. I had finally found him. It was unreal. I secretly questioned it all, but it just kept fitting. It kept falling perfectly in place as I fell in love. The gushy, heat melting, tears of happiness kind of thing you see in movies. I kept it close, but far enough away it could not keep me close. I had been there a time two.  This was not some high-clouded expectation. I could be me, the me, which loved me. I was in love with me and it was contagious. I loved others with such pure, open, understanding love. I was in control of anything and everything in the world. I had the power to move mountains, to open eyes, the map of self-worth! I made to the top.

I often wondered if my purpose here was to help others. I had a gift; I just must not know how to use it. What gift could cause turmoil, right? The moment I meet someone, I can see through the person they have chosen to show others. There is an unspoken bond. As if, I am trusted with a secret.

Dear Single Mom:

It’s okay to love again. Or is it? There is nothing more terrifying than dating as a single mother. Will they be okay with kids? Will my child like them? When should I introduce them? Will he be a good role model? There are so many questions that come to mind it makes you want to wait until your kiddo(s) are 18 years old! Let’s be honest, how many of us can really do that?

“My entire life can be described in one sentence: it didn’t go as planned, and that is okay.” – Rachel Wolchin

*DISCLAIMER* I am not an expert or is this what I call advice. None the less, I wanted to share my outlook…

It’s okay to love again. It is actually essential that you do! You are teaching your child or children how to heal and let things go. I read something the other day that really hit home for me…”Children don’t listen to what you tell them to do, they listen to what you do”.  You are their role model, and yes, maybe one day someone else will share this position with you also. However, for now, while being a single mom, you, ma’am are THE role model. It’s okay for relationships not to work out. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to start over and over and over.  These instances are inevitable in life. It is what we do with them that paints the picture of who we are. Ladies, you are the picture your child will stare at for the rest of their lives. Make it count!

My advice:

Keep it classy, not trashy…

Be honest. Be Strong. Be fierce.

Don’t worry about the questions. Grab your little one tight and share with them what is going on and how you feel. But, you guard their little hearts like a mama bear. You’ll know when the time is right. And remember people come and go just as there is life and death.  Show them what to do about it, gracefully, of course…

Every fairy-tale has disaster before the happy ending, but one of the characters remains the same. This is you,rock star! You are resilient and you have the power to change the world around you, all by your perception. That, my friends, is the greatest lesson you can teach children. Don’t let the bad vibes keep you down.

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” – Oprah Winfrey

#GoalDigger

Someone very dear to me once asked me, “Why don’t you invest in yourself?”. The question left me speechless for a moment. The silence was quickly covered by a million different excuses and reasons as to why I was to busy to do what I really enjoyed. That then led me to another question… What do I enjoy?

I had been told by several teachers and colleagues that I should invest in my writing skills. I always shrugged it off thinking, I hate to write! The truth was I was just not comfortable with who I was and I didn’t like to be restricted. . In other words, I needed wide open space to find myself.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage” – Lao Tzu

It is by love that I was shown how to love myself. As you cannot love another until you can love yourself. I started blogging on whim to try to reconnect with myself. I set small goals and I have met each of them. I found that my thoughts and feelings are shared by many. There have been several of you to offer advice or share your experience. I want to take the time to thank each and every one of you for being such an important piece in my spiritual growth.

It is with your support and interest in my blog that I have kept persevering. I can remember sitting alone in my kitchen with my laptop, unable to see through the despair of my life being in shambles. So, I wrote about it. Suddenly, my blog took off. I had more and more followers join. I broke previous records of the most likes. I finally had comments rolling in left and right. I reached many of my small goals and thanked everyone for their support. Never the less, what I should have said is thank you for being there, alone with me and my laptop. You helped me grow, or maybe stay sane, (ha, ha!) through the darkest of times. On the flip side, we have also laughed in the brightest moments. I hope that what I share can help at least one of your through your darkest time. I am here… you are here… we are here to love.

“The best way to find yourself is in the service of others.” – Mahamta Gandhi

Much love to you all! Stay trippy, hippies! xoxo

-KBJ

Dear Twin Flame,

I am not sure if you are found;

Or the one that is always around.

The truth will be revealed,

But it is by chance that the former will be sealed.

Surety has wandered.

Fate is not that of this earth;

It is in the love of all things true.

My soul is wide awake for you to view.

Just as the sun and moon share the morning sky,

Our peace can be found in the mind’s eye.

-KBJ

 

 

 

I Tame your Fire, as I am, the Fuel.

You grab a hold of all my static and place all my particles perfectly where they are preordained.

The way you budge piques my interest.

You stimulate me in way that evokes emotion. I am not biased.

Just when I feel myself begin to lose control, your touch grounds me.

As a fire burns bright of orange and red embers, I remain cautious as not to give in.

But you still find a way to make me melt.

The Commitment of Trust

You were comfort in a time of despair. So close to a new beginning you even tasted bittersweet. You filled my heart with surety and intent. I can’t say whether it is due to the preexisting damage or the way I perceive things, but In the absence of trust it was all gone. People do things that break our trust. Whether that’s lying or not following through. I am starting to believe it is not intentional, but for me, I consider others before myself; so I can’t quite accept my own theory. My word is golden and in the event something happens and I am unable to follow through I address it before it occurs. However, loosing my mother at a young age and having a father who never meant what he said left me not trusting the WORLD. Let alone another human being. I want to be different; so if I love someone I give them trust, but the second a situation arises that questions it, I feel completely disrespected. I’ve always viewed it as intentional. That someone thinks to themselves before breaking your trust and knowingly puts their commitment to you aside. As I get older and keep reliving the situation , I have come to realize I should be learning, not surrendering. It’s usually not of an intent to hurt another, but a cowardly move on one’s part to protect themselves. In knowing this I don’t feel as disrespected, so I am not longer angry by a lack of commitment for trust. I understand so thoroughly that it hurts. It’s simply a separation of people. Someone doing what they wanted to do. So if we find it offensive it is because we don’t agree. We are simply a different person with different needs. It is up to us to find at this very moment that trust is challenged whether it’s worth fighting for. I am hoping to rise above. In my recent run-in with trust I handle it different than I have in the past. I addressed it head on, I let it hurt, and a made a decision of whether it was worth it.

Dear Karma,

I broke the cycle. I found a different perception of trust and handled it before it became destructive. Can I be set free from this cycle? May you bless me with what I deserve. If I am not yet done learning, please take it easy on me. My heart is fragile these days.

Sincerely,

A woman just trying to figure it all out.

Love me one day, just don’t make it today…

As a present day drifter:  I am somewhat shattered and have taped myself back together by  risky decisions and  aspirations. The trickery of habitual roads has led me astray. My self discovery expedition has become pandemonium. My soul is full and drifting about in the energy of others, as a ship wreck full of diamonds, would slowly scatter about with every crash of ocean’s waves.

-KBJ

The Courtesy of Chaos

It is true that we live in the same situations until rise above them? It’s an internal hell of insanity. The soul yearns to be loved to a degree the fondness is manifested out feeble intentions. It’s something that happens at full tilt. It’s joyous and overly appropriate. A fondness developed by emotion without definition caresses our heartache and fear. It is something so needed that we question it, but take it to our hearts, as if it completes our being. Just as it is accepted, villainous energy tightly grips the humble future of it all….

Lemonade Love

I spent all this time thinking I knew how to love. I wasn’t loving; I was learning. The truest of loves comes and reveals to you all the challenges you’ve ever had with anyone else in the past. But this time it will be value and held in high regard. Something that is unspeakable, and only felt. It tingles and tosses you about a bit. The soul becomes bare and wild. Our needs shift from within to an outwardly craze of well-being for the mind, body, and soul of another. It’s fierce and reassuring, but leaves you trembling at the idea of permanent absence. You must water it to make it grow, don’t let the fear of the future affect today.

A Wrongful Escape

You erode the genuine

Fooling to be a friend to them

It’s a battle no one wins

A mission of life to live

Always searching for the outlet

Each high just a riskier bet

The moments of righteousness don’t pay the debt

For you are what I’ll always regret.

Rest in Heaven Brother

I wished you had wanted more.

Xoxo

You made me protect myself against the greatest enemy, while loving me in such a protective way. I love you. Until we meet again.

-Momma Lost her Mask-

She tip toed to the bathroom to quietly, shut the door in hopes of the toddler not being disturbed; just long enough to ball her eyes out over the loss the family they had come to know.

She had convinced herself she was a failure. She looped the same thoughts again and again in her head to find where she had went wrong. If she could just figure out the issue it could be resolved. Gazing in the mirror, she felt her chest grow tight at the thought of how to explain to her 3 year old boy that his sisters and the man he learned to look up to wouldn’t be home again.

Bang! Bang!

Just as she wipes the tears from her cheeks, a tired, whiny toddler came crashing through the door; distraught that Mommy had snuck away.

“Wonder Woman! What’s wrong?”, he said with a tone that could melt any heart with an instant!

It was that moment she was reminded she is human. Grief, sadness, and pain was something she would have to master to confidently teach him to live fully. She grabbed both of his chubby, fingered, little hands and said,” Changes can be tough, huh, little man?”

“Yeah, momma. They stink! “

“Just remember, baby, roll with the changes because the tougher they get the closer you are to the happiness you deserve.” She said holding her tears with a lump in her throat.

“Momma, even Wonder Woman needs Batman!”, the three year old said with such an innocence sincerity.

It was from that moment on that they realized they had everything they needed to make it through life. Love is kind and knows no boundaries. The love shared between a parent and child is unconditional.

Stuck in the Glow

As a firefly on a hot summer night, I am a light and dance in the darkness. My soul is consumed in joy and sharpness. While my mind is blending in with the background. Whether I am illuminating the brilliance of a long lost traveler or patiently walking behind the unrighteous, yet here I remain.

-KBJ

Bearable, Transformation

Spring: a time for renewal. A chance to turn over a new leaf. This freedom is invigorating with a perverted insistence on some sort growth. The expansion alone rips my walls down one by one. It is not in the death of the things I am letting go of that makes life raw,but the rather the creation of who I would like to become. The old is replaced with a vibrant opportunity for the future. It is of sheer terror that I admit my fear of change. I can’t tell if my brokenness draws you in or I gravitate toward you. It’s a matter of blurred boundaries, but your aura is enticing. I too, shall bloom.

Mr. Unannounced

Well, hello, Mr. Unexpected… Who are you and who sent you to open this door that I have yet to acknowledge? It is the unforeseen circumstances that our energy has danced in unison. The perfect brokenness inside of one another fitting together like puzzles pieces. It is the nervous feeling within that suggests we may cause more destruction than either of us deserve. Maybe if we just stand right here for a while it could be different. There is no need for the practice of love, for now. Your thoughtfulness is sticky and my freedom is determined. You should get to know the side of me that rebels before you go all in.

And I Thought it was me, saving you…

All this time I thought it was me; saving you. Although, I can’t quite figure out the place I am in now, I know there’s something to come of this. It feels like a wildfire ready to burn bright. There’s just not too many ashes for it to ignite. I never realizes how safe you made feel. I was so secure with life before. Now, or feels as if it’s moving steadily around me as I am trying to figure where to stand so that it does my head ahold of me. There is such betrayal in expectations. We are better served in adapting to love instead of expecting it. It’s about what we give, not what we receive. Passion leads us to a routine that feels appropriate and we begin living it. – Without any intention of keeping it. If only I had known the future I was able to see with you. I knew it every time it spoke to me. I would have told you sooner if I had believed you weren’t experiencing the same thing. At this point, I don’t whether to run to or from it. So, don’t leave the decision to me. My choices are irrelevant to the future that’s seeking me.

“It’s a Thrill to be a Fan Amongst Fans”-Nathan Fillion

It is of recent I decided to write from the Soul. No impressing, tweaking, or trying to market a specific kind of reader, just plain ol’ me. I am enthused with the amount readers, writers, bloggers, and critics that took time out of their busy lives and utter most passion to let me know that I am heard. Your support is unrivaled and I have found comfort in your encouraging words to dig deeper. You have inspired me to bare my soul, with no shame or hesitation. It may just be a simple click of the like button, but for me, my friends it the beginning of friendship. -Cheers to many more!

I ask you all one question:

Why do you write?

Leave me your story in the comments below. Looking forward to hearing from you all! 🙂

P.S. “Strangers are Friends You have not met yet.” -Roberta Leiberman

This is why, writer’s & musicians can’t be together…

“They both want to change the world. One with more force than the other…”

-KBJ

I was Raised by a Sociopath.

I say this uncomfortably while clamoring in the realization of events that just took place. My life is changing dramatically. Numerology has kept me aware and gave me something exciting to concentrate on. It’s a little slice of fun, as is astrology, and I truly enjoy the energy of these spiritualities. However, it’s new. A 180 degrees from the quite depressing life I was living before my family suddenly ripped to shreds; I assumed it was only appropriate to see a therapist. Ya know, to just make sure I’m still in here somewhere. The outcome was more than I had expected…

Disclaimer: I have never, EVER, met this woman before today. She was an older woman with gray, short hair, wearing men’s Dockers with a pair of glasses that reeked of,”I have a PHD”. I second guessed myself at giving her a hand shake. Why? I tend to freeze up in nervous situations. I sat down and made myself comfortable. She told me her name, I shared mine.

“Are you a gypsy?”, she asked.

“What?!?!”, I blurted out.

She immediately began to explain herself. She thought I looked like a gypsy. When I told her I had Portuguese Heritage she began to tell me the history of how the Portuguese migrated and she just knew that my Father’s Paternal Mother was a gypsy. Mind you, this is my first Therapist appt. I was blown away! I had a Medical professional sitting in front of me confirming my intuition.

I briefly answered her “textbook”, questions as she would type on the computer. I’m not sure if she was analyzing or captivated by me. I explained my relationship with my father and the failure of the family I so recently came home too. She asked me if I had watched any part of the Casey Anthony trail. All I could think to myself was that poor child. My eyes filled with tears in her explanation of what kind of woman she was and how she had no remorse.

As a tear rolled down my cheek, she asked,”Do you know what a Sociopath is?”

I immediately said,”I picture something from CSI or Murder she Wrote!” I am squirming inside wanting her to hurry to explain what she is getting at. All I could think is I’m a Sociopath. Sweet, Jesus, help me. In the two seconds it took me to convince myself I was a Sociopath, my anxiety was interrupted by the sound of her voice.

“Your Father… Your EX… Your child’s Father… They all have something in common… You were raised by a Sociopath. Now, you date them. I believe you are determined to rid the world of them”, she said with such a caring voice.

It was as if she knew how fragile I felt when I heard it. She asked me why I chose to make an appointment with her.

” I want to break cycle of unhealthy relationships that I keep I living each day”, I replied so confidently.

“We will!”, she replied eagerly.

She recommended two books: The Glass Castle and The Sociopath Next Door.

You’re not Welcome Here, Anymore…

I would find relief untangled from you. This is my day! I no longer want to know how you feel. Can I have what you stole, back? Life has conveniently dropped all your tools in my lap. Unwillingly, I am supplied with the chords of success in your dream. I want so badly to master your art. I conquer the part of you that won’t let me be. It will only be defeat in it’s vindictive form if I show you happiness first. I long to be my own master without you inside to talk me out of it. The more I loved myself, the quicker you ran to the door. I thought you took me with you when you went, but instead you forgot somethings. It’s only appropriate that you clean up the mess you left for I have an journey that awaits me.

Dear Silence,

 

Apollo was considered the God of sun, music, light, & Prophecy…

I will learn how to enjoy you,

I will figure out what your about,

I used to long for the quiet, just a moment to check my mood.

Though, I didn’t want to go this route…

 

I always knew you could.

So I will learn to find my self in this empty space.

Hey, ya know… It’s all good.

It’s certainly time for me to save some face.

 

Let the tick of the clock keep me focused,

For I can then find myself in the hollow.

God, we will miss those really good moments,

But catch you on the slip side; or at the temple of Apollo.

Photo Credit:https://www.wikiart.org/en/giovanni-battista-tiepolo/apollo-and-diana-1757

 

-KBJ

Tomorrow I will be Better.

Just when I think I knew what love was… I wonder how many times I will say that in life. I gave so much of myself to us. I don’t know who I am. I am fearful and in times of fear I seek comfort. You were my comfort. So, now I seek nothing. That is as I feel inside. Nothingness. Life is routine and survival. I learned to love the chaos, the chatter, and annoyance. You tore my walls down and made me bear the truth about myself. Now I am left here standing naked for the world to judge. There was a time you loved me as much as I loved you – That is not something you can fake. If you mistakenly thought this was something you wanted and then later decided it is not, why can’t you leave with peace. Why must you make me suffer? You changed my world. You made me questions myself at who I was and who I wanted to be. But, you can have the decency to remove you’re the pieces of yourself from the home that remains silence. You show yourself to me looking like your falling a part inside. Stand there with your daughter, who I was just responsible for looking out for, once again asking for my help… But you can’t give me closure. Lucky for you, I don’t wish to change the world anymore. I wish to change myself and if you send your wishes then I know it is as hard for you that it is me.

“Pride is the mask of one’s own faults” -Proverb

God I miss ya’ll…

A Love Story

She patiently slipped away to herself. The silence of the early morning brought such tranquility. As the oldies played in the background…She was making a decision between the rest of her life or their life. Headstrong on the thought that you had to be selfish to be happy. She grew bitter. As days past the only idea of this, “WE” was in the way of things. However, she yearned and desired to follow her hopes and dreams. After all she had this way of bringing that out in others. It was her Mother that it came from. She has this polar opposite side. She could be so grounded! Except there was a side of her that learned to be bullet proof from the hurt. She was easy to fall is love with.

He rushed through the house searching for the essentials: phone, pants, wallet, keys. “Let’s go he says with a grin. It was the kind heavenly sent from angels, but cursed with hopelessness. It was never much for him to quit in the middle of success and leap in a whirlwind of unfamiliar territory. When it came to what he wanted, he was direct and relentless. At times he wanted her and other’s it was himself.

They shifted between paired excellence and one another’s bad habits. It was the epitome of the flipside.

Dear, Beautiful Woman…

When the hurt never ceases,

Do not live in shame.

You are HIS masterpiece,

So rejoice in loves’ flame.

If you get the feeling of guilt,

Do not follow the Trail of Tears.

Pain can be comfortably rebuilt,

Instant aid only enables our fears.

Let your soul be the gladiator!

The internal battle you will win.

Let Karma be the mediator,

You just heal & mend.

KBJ

A Special Thank You!

Each and everyone of you took time out of your day to read my thoughts and for that I am truly grateful! You’re comments and support has been encouraging. They would be but simple words without you all to read them.

“Words are a lens to focus one’s mind”

-Ayn Rand

A Goodbye Letter…

I am  taken back by the fact I have to write to you about how I feel. That I am depending upon such a small amount of luck that you even read this. It was like yesterday, that we talked about every second of the day with one another. Maybe a closeness that is more than there should ever really be. I enjoyed it. You made me smile. You made me feel beautiful! You had this way of making me understand I was enough for myself to fight for. You came in like a hurricane, blowing over any idea I had about love or relationships. It left me feeling like I had to build upon a foundation that I had no idea was there. I was thankful to have a companion that enjoyed so much that I did! You fell in love with me and it inspired you to live life to the fullest. It scared the shit out of me, but my love for you made me do it. You always hated I hesitated, but it was just my way of trying to hold my ground because you were so raw with emotion it was intimidating. I wanted you more than I ever could have imagined wanting someone. You were perfection! Thank you for loving me when I was lost. I wouldn’t have made it without you. I want to keep saying it’s been such a long time since I’ve felt this way, but truth is… I have NEVER felt this way. I am proud of myself for being so open, comfortable, and giving you my all that I had forgotten how badly it would hurt when it all came to an end. I guess for the first time I had never thought of an end. That’s the heartbreaking part. I had unwillingly out of pure joy and love made up my mind that if I had to live my life exactly how it was… Well, the idea of us all growing together made me smile. It all seemed to fit, I was so blown away by the beauty of it all. I’ve skilled myself at ending relationships with another person, but I had no preparation or planning to end a family. I wanted to be there to hug the girls and tell them I will ALWAYS be one call away if life was ever gets to be too much. I would tell Karli she’s a diva and to remember she is beautiful inside and out. I would tell Cayti that a smile is the same in every language and to sing her heart out!  To my son: we are strong enough to make it alone, but remember to always value the relationships that mean the most. The problem is I didn’t want to let any of it go, the thought of how it would all play out haunted me. It’s just as I imagined. It is a gut-wrenching battle between my mind and heart. The mind says, “You got this girl, get up and brush your knees off”. The heart, well, she is having a rather rough time. I ignore so much of life, so intensely because I know the moment I sit down to deal with it all, I will let go of so much hurt, guilt, shame, and sadness, I will be left another person. I am not ready to let go, but you had asked me to let you go… So, I did. I hope for you it was the right thing because for me I gave up my passion in life, my family. Here is to you when you make it where you want to be. I have a feeling we will both get what we want. Thank you for making me feel alive. It is our paths that are different, not the love we have for one another. Catch you on the flip-side. 😉

-The Truth about Heaven & Hell-

I sit frozen in a world moving around me. I am here, right? The smile on a young boys face wrinkles his nose, so perfectly placed  in between two bright, rosy, red cheeks determines my existence. I am brilliantly, placed in a pit of something Godly or utterly, evil. The repetition of annoyance created by the mere image of peace makes me comfortable. The sacrifice of pure enjoyable time was swept away by a multitude of a need for more – PERFECTION! It’s an ever striving goal never achieved by the intended. The dedication to happiness, wholeness, beauty to all the adamant and material of life is feasted upon by a feeling of being jaded. A scar if you will. The clashing of every aspect of life around you could be exactly what you need. Is this life a journey of breaking the chain or are we living our own Hell?

I have a bad habit… I have found pleasure in refinement. I think it is caused by keeping my mind busy. If you don’t have the time to see the world around you there is no way to analyze the decision you’ve made from the pleasure of comforting, a vice. Every morning, I look in the mirror before I leave for work. I change endless times trying to find something to wear that is comfortable and stylishly complements the world I wish I was living in. Picture brown and tan swirled medium length carpet, a wooden box TV, and Shake and Bake pork chops for dinner. Are you picturing it? Now subtract the Mom. Add a Father that works 70 hours a week and Step-Mother trying to please everyone around her. Now you’ve found it, my life, if I used what I was taught. I refused. There was this whole other life I could have had. One that has a beautiful, with a mother baking pies at home with the children and a Father walking in the door at 6pm to sit down with the family for a warm dinner. Talk of the what fun it was walking the dog, and how exciting the church service would be on Sunday. That is what I would have, damn it! Predictability WAS going to save me and if it couldn’t I would.

You see I have this box. It’s not a very big box, but it has a few little important things in it. The little things may not be much to you, but they are my little things. Little things that are necessary to my happiness. You an I maybe different because my things; are things, not feelings, not people, not emotions, but things. I live in this box and it doesn’t have a lot of room for anyone else. It was built from envy, dedication, and complete avoidance of any feelings at all. To me, it was Heaven. And Heaven was safe. I thought it was the Heaven everyone dreamed of, but of course you learn when trying to share your box that not everyone has the same idea.

[Wait, I know how to avoid this! What if I just change  the things I want in the box? Too much of a control freak for that… If I could just make them so happy, I bet they wouldn’t care about what things we had in MY box though, right? You know, after all the effort I put into this, maybe I don’t even need this box anymore…Yes, oh yes I do!]

– A glimpse into every relationship, I have ever had.

What better way to reveal someone’s scars than to pull on the strings of their heart? I’m kind of cliché, I had a few different moments  with a Jack and even a Jim, several good men. Each one left wide open for the next woman. I had these cruel intentions that I brought into each and every relationship. I subconsciously placed myself in relationships that reminded me of the world I grew up in. Mediocre to say the least.  However, it never stopped me from giving someone something they’ve never experienced. Unconditional love. I was good at it. I loved them all for them, I was there completely. Until I wasn’t. It wasn’t them, it was really was me. The high of new and exciting wears off and suddenly you see what you signed up for. And I had signed up for Pork Chops. I always found myself straying back toward that unfamiliar betterment that your ” Jack  & Jim’s” aren’t known to strive for. We all remain friends to this day because they all chalk it up to me having a wild heart and share a love for the envy.

A wild heart never wants to be alone. Along my journey of learning to love myself and others, I was blessed with a handsome, wittingly determined, full of life little boy. It changed me. I was not allowed to be careless with people’s feelings anymore. I had to explain to everyone up front who I was again. Or who I had intended to be. I gave up my box, it became his. The love for your child is the kind of that stops life around. I could no longer walk about not explaining myself or carelessly fall head over heels for someone who didn’t fit in HIS box. I was lost, but emotionally found. I had to learn who I was and who he wanted me to be. You cannot love someone until you know what it means to love yourself.

Then it came… That relationship that makes you feel as if you are waging a war against your inner demons. One that challenges the depths of your soul and mirrors all your habits. While gracefully comforting you in love and euphoria. It makes you question things. A comfort that pushes you to accomplish all your dreams. As I stare back at myself I had been swallowed by mercy and trials, I can’t seem figure out if I am in Heaven or if I am in Hell. I just knew he would be the one to change the rest of my life.