Learning to Live
It’s a second nature to help
I want to solve all your problems,
Every time you want to come back I melt…
I also have a tendency to solve them. 🤷🏻♀️
I’m confused by what you want.
Sometimes I think it’s me and others her…
It is love or looks you’d like to flaunt?
I need you to be genuine, sir!
You’ve been the only to prove it.
I wish I felt your love.
I just happen to be the fish that bit?
It seems like your only here when push becomes shove? 🤔
The want for “normalcy” pounds from inside my chest.
I give you my best.
Once again I am offered less.
If I give my all, how can you let me down like the rest.
I have felt like a Queen with you.
I replay all the memories, not just a few.
What am I supposed to do?
Every other week you say we’re through.
Love or let die?
Atleast you got one thing right.
In all this darkness, you know how to be a light.
I wanted you to prove me wrong, I’m not gonna lie.
What’s done is done.
I just always wanted you to be the one.
Smile and have fun.
I’ll be fine, I have my son.
There’s this side to me that I rarely enjoy to let out. Despair tosses inside my stomach when I try to just be. It buries it’s self in my throat. Static ravages my chest. The build up keeps me distracted from any solution. Where do I find relief? A protest for peace is coming. May I sleep while you wage your war? It is in that nothingness that I am free. Oh, how I hate this side of me.
-KBJ ✌🏼💞🌮
This occasion is rare. It is not often that we whole -heartedly, disagree. As we end the night, there isn’t a breath to spare. The odd part is I believe in your ideas of how things should be.
I get that the reality of it all is crooked. That doesn’t mean I agree with the politics! I get it; I am always booked.Sometimes, I wonder if were not all just addicts…
Idk if it is comforting or worrisome; That we both react out of programming. There is certainly substance to love! Our sins are becoming damning.🎭
P.S. The true realization of a single emotion takes years and levels of exploration, It is only with you that I venture. Xoxo
I’ve spent 27 years trying to gain your approval.
I’m more successful than I ever dreamt of!
My life’s happiness is imperative on your removal.
All I ever wanted was your love…
Here we go again…
Your silence thickness as my relief exudes.
If only mom were here…Amen!
Manipulation fuels your attitude.
You will never get ahead of you are always taking advantage…
I have “done my time”.
You need to find another bandage!
This life isn’t yours; it’s mine!
It hurts to know…
It’s not something you’re able to give.
To you, life is a show…
Let me go; I am ready to live!
If you weren’t dependent, you’d support it.
But a narcissist can ignore his own daughter…
So, please just quit throwing your fit!
I deserve joy; it’s time to go father.
Anxiety makes it awkward,
You can relate…
It’s you I prefer!
May be a mental state?
My mind has been weak;
My heart was previously manipulated.
It’s just peace that I seek.
With you, I am rejuvenated.
Life seems to be infinitely intertwined.
We’ve come full circle.
Is there better to find?
Mutual feelings are internal.
You’re my shelter.
Similar to the feeling of home.
Without you it’s helter-skelter.
My patience knows what they say about Rome…
Xoxo
You mean something!
You are so much, to so many.
Oh, the smiles and fun you bring…
Love? You have plenty!
Where is your mind?
We all love you.
There has to be a different comfort to find…
You’re giving misery a place to brew!
Let us help!
Stop running.
You are losing yourself…
We are not shunning.
You care about how you make us feel.
Which just adds more fuel to your fire!
Don’t drink, Heal!
You have to be tired.
You’re too stubborn to love yourself that much…
Do it for us!
It’s time to kick that crutch.
Our hearts will never hush…
I know how to make a mark,
A part of me yearns for the past without mistakes.
But I keep the depths of my soul in the dark.
The other parts linger between the present and futures sake.
May my love remain untamed.
You are my my musketeer!
It’s all the same…
I often wonder what it is that we fear.
We won’t be left behind
Tomorrow brings intrigue.
It’s just flickering in my mind.
Gotta go now, glad we could agree.
In this wild world;
let’s give it a whirl.
It’s time to have faith!
Come on and follow my pace.
Your ways make my soul unfurl.
In hindsight, we had a Pearl!
It is with you I am safe,
And that is a feeling I can’t seem to replace.
May our Yin and Yang still swirl;
Timing always seems to be the case.
-KBJ 🤙🏼
Always in the background,
Familiar presence covers me.
The unknown is what we have found.
It is love that set us free!
In normalcy we would drown,
Individualism…we agree.
It is in the division that we frown.
It is through God’s eyes that we see,
May our future be sound.
P.S. Be willing to receive what you give…🕯
A part of me is sad,
This place seems so empty and bare.
My spirit should be glad,
I am positive I left us behind, here, somewhere…
There are paths that we travel alone.
Growth stems from the pain,
I couldn’t accept being something you control.
Retro…the good time still remains.
You helped me spread my wings,
I got so high!
It’s was with you I accomplished my dreams,
So, with love and respect; goodbye.
Xoxo
-KBJ
We steady open and close doors looking for equality. The cards we are dealt do not align with the expected aftermath. A King & Queen seem to be a pair, but are yet the opposites of one another. They are not a perfect match. The both remain very different in their solitary ways. I ponder with the idea that in, life and love, it is not about looking for a match, but becoming a pair. A match is…the same…identical…absolute. A pair is created by two halves forming a whole. There is a certain righteousness in the idea of creating the Union vs just existing in unison.
P.S. Never expect; only hope…
My mouth has no self-control.
Lovely, scenarios of what I want life to be like play in my mind…
The interruptions are self-inflicted and weigh heavy on my soul.
Most yell, rarely are they kind.
I have hid from my own shadow.
It always seems to return.
The rendezvous always ends in a new low.
You think by now I would have learned…
I ALWAYS come back.
This time my hope is broken,
All I can seem to think about is what I must lack.
May I regret that we have spoken.
Why isn’t it enough?
We could paint a world of love with words,
I never thought proving it would be this rough.
Then again maybe it’s just a painful reminder that many of my thoughts are absurd.
Is it me or is it you that is so truly loved?
We made a display of my scars and gracefully set my shortcomings on the table for all to see…
If only we could be beckoned before push comes to shove.
All of this coming and going, has filled my heart with grief.
My voice is not needed because I know you can feel,
But I still cry at the thought of this being permanent.
I enjoy us, so I chose not to heal.
Remember, the had no need to vent?
What is happening? 🤔 Is Mother Nature striking back? Is Jesus coming? Are we being affected by 5G?
Mother Nature: 🌎🌪🔥⛈🌊
Our planet is slowly, fading from the oil spills, concrete jungles, & pollution. The next shopping mart, factory, or chemical spill could be the last straw. However, if you are unable to leave a filthy carbon footprint all over her, she may have a chance to recover. The coronavirus has caused us to stay in doors which affords earth a 30% window of fresh air in our daily air pollution dedication. Weather patterns have shifted (i.e.Tornadoes, hurricanes, and tsunamis have increased). We are finding well known affected areas such a the coral reef are starting to fight back. Earth is seeing the light in the crack, that the Stay at Home order has caused and she will heal!
Let’s take the nature away for a moment and look at the facts from a religious standpoint:
2 Chronicles Chapter 7 🕯✝️💞
13 If I shut up heaven that there be no rain (i.e. Wildfires/Australia), or if I command the lo outs to do our the land (i.e. locust eating the crops in South America), of if O send pestilence amount my people (i.e. COVID-19 pandemic);
14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn (i.e. repent) from their wicked ways (i.e. societies influence/consumerism);then I will hear from heaven, and forgive their sin, and will heal their land.
Last, but not least…
The 5G conspiracy theory:📡☣️📈📵🦾
It is so intricate that I couldn’t begin to sort out my thoughts regarding it. So, I will try on this great, thoroughly informative source:
Click the link and let me know what you think!
The choice is yours, but what’s your opinion? Nature, God, or Man?
Love sings the song of the heart!
Our hugs feel like shelter…
This has been hell from the start!
It’s been a while since this girl has looked at the cards life has dealt her…
The hopefulness lingers.
She just want to feel safe!
Her strength is victorious, even against what Karma brings her.
May she present herself only in her own way!
Maybe they are not used to this?
Unconditional partnership at it’s finest!
The mind will always be stronger than a fist.
May we always find the star that shines the brightest!
I first would like to apologize if you disagree.
Secondly, many are out there making rash decisions. When your out of your routine things can get a little ichy. So I ask you which one are you? And why?
– The consumer
– The rebel
– The conspiracy theorist
– The spiritual guide
I’ll tell you, mine… If you tell me yours. 😚
The comfort that lingers is thick…
I want to run at the first sign of it!
Every time I almost break free…
I can feel you inside of me.
Just pull me closer…
On second thought, let me off this roller coster.
You are my Polaroid…
An instant fix for this void.
It’s a shame;
You behave…
I should stop going to your place!
You always lie..
Go get high.
You said you’ve seen me with that guy…
oh, oh, oh yeah..
Hang on don’t go –
We both know..
We can stoop excessively, low.
0h…oh…oh…oh
It’s a shame…
I hate these games!
Do you even remember her name?
This is lame…
You’re ashamed,
You’d feel better if you behaved
You’re not welcome at my place.
KBJ
Dear helping hand,
Get it out of me…hurry!
Even the lines are all getting blurry.
I don’t know why it’s tearing apart my body.
I’m confused at this path you pave me
You feel like concrete darling,
Am I being punished or saved?
Yours Truly,
Desperate Despair
I can feel myself deteriorate;
I fell so toxic.
We made what we could make…
I should have used logic!
There’s a tiny lump inside me;
I can feel the scabs flake away.
The pain I can feel on my knees,
Desperately, I pray.
Just when you think the chapter gets better,
The pages have been marked up and scribbled upon,
Some of them even stuck together!
After all there is always darkness before dawn…
The silence is frightening;
I am forced to deal.
You have a grip on my breathing that seems to be tightening;
I HATE to feel.
The sadness I cannot bare,
For I wrestle with fate.
The only reflection is my empty, stare.
My stomach turns at the thought of being late.
Parts of me begin to surface;
There is no hiding…
It’s meant for me to find my purpose.
Maybe it’s there that love will find me?
I’ve NEVER agreed with farewell.
Timing is the key;
For societal, life is a cell!
One day it shall be.
I know you hate to lose,
You’re probably wishing it was you; that I would choose.
But I am tired of being your muse.
Can’t you find someone else to use?
I might cave.
But once I get home, I won’t want to stay
I feel at peace when I am away
It is me that needs saved!
Because I can’t trust how you’ll behave
Idk if it’s them that should be ashamed
Or maybe, it’s you that’s to blame…
All I know is your energy throws some shade
I was struggling to breathe and you had it made.
We have to different, visions in our heads.
You’re two beers away from being dead.
And I’m over here trying not to eat bread…
It feels over even when it wasn’t said.
KBJ
P.S. That stung a bit, huh?
It all began with a lump in the throat forged by abandonment;
Quickly, followed by the uncertainty of the future.
No choice was given except clinging tightly the the one thing left, even if it was not reciprocated.
Whether the situation involved being taken or running away, the only feeling left was hollow resentment.
Trauma seeks love, but love cannot be given from it.
Survival mode takes over and it shapes and grows the destiny of bitterness.
One may fight and the other may run, but in reality one just needs to be loved.
Love cannot be given unless received.
KBJ
You choose me when I’m insecure,
Even when my speech is all blurred.
Or when my judgement maybe curved.
You choose me when I wouldn’t
Although, you probably shouldn’t
Thank for doing it when I couldn’t
You choose me when I over think,
Even when depression is on the brink,
In all of my plans you straighten out the kinks.
You choose me when I’m all sad and ugly
Even grab me tight when I’m not feeling cuddly,
It is always at my worst you tell me I look lovely.
Just when I think we’re loosing, it is me you keep choosing…
You don’t reach out although smothered by hands.
Admitting to the fear,
Is that of moral stance.
It is too toxic for you to remain near.
I crumple our compassion and hand it over,
Love in your heart has left.
You can not win at life by simply using a clover,
It hurt me to know we will end by a slow death.
Call me selfish, but I was taught to be a warrior.
I hope you realize it is love you deserve,
For with love change is loyal.
Motherhood is my stop, but remember what we have learned…
So is this whole being in the same place that you have before where you make different results? I don’t know if this is my meaning here or maybe my exit. I’m either here to always chose love and light no matter the situation or I’m a dumbass that’s simply insane. I am open for constructive criticism at this point ya’ll! I’ve been here many time – deciding between fighting for myself or my relationship. I keep coming to this point and I have chose both roads before. Once I turned right and stayed helping and growing- well, more apart than together – but I am sure you get the idea. I have also hung a left around the corner of my give a damns busted and went to perfect being a mom and single. So, there you have it, Universe! I broke the cycle! Time to stop the test, right? Fancy seeing you here again…
So my lovely, “love and light side ” be with me through this bout of anxiety and please persist on the reminding me to just make a damn decision!
I find myself in the same repetitive cycle. Once again, the feeling of familiarity arises during the battle of hearts. I’m choosing a different path than the many I have previously walked. I can feel wishful thinking wiggling it’s eager way to the forefront of the future. However, to walk this particular path, I must focus on the faintest of steps with no destination in mind. Sort of a let go and let it be motto… I have never understood focusing on the moment until now. It is as if I have broken free. The peace and resonance of self love is solace. I struggle with the yearning to heal those I can see are broken, but now comes the time I must revive my soul. I will always lend the one hand and forever it will be there to help direct humanity to love, but the other hand must console me. I celebrate hope moment by moment and smile knowing it will construct what is meant to be.
✌🏼💛☯️
John 14:16-17
“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.”
Just like that… I’m back,
I’m in the purple of the flame;
The all that’s not to blame.
You might have felt as though, you gave me the fame…
The safe part is behind that plaster you value; you still look lame.
Ha, Ha! If only you could feel it,
The righteousness of my kiss.
It is having a good heart that is bliss;
I’m sorry it’s public. 🤷🏽♀️
I’m sure you’re slightly pissed.
Untuck you’re shirt, you never did that before,
I’m sorry, I bet, slightly, it’s a bore.
I just hope it counts,
Your name sounds good just by the way my lips feel when I say the way it sounds.
The past is a mistake made by both of us, it weighs mounds;
I’m sorry if it is me that you think you found.
We’ve all heard it – “The struggle is real!” I call bullshit (for lack of a better term). We do it to ourselves. We put up with the stress and unhappiness. For what? Do we really believe that we will wake up one day and suddenly be in live with a job we have hated for years? Will our spouse suddenly want to be someone they haven’t been for the last several years? Will our bank accounts suddenly fill with money as we sit on our couch watching tv? NO! NO! NO! We know to be wealthy it takes getting off the couch. We know that our spouse will NOT wake up tomorrow wanting to be someone else. The job? Well, the likely hood of that changing, is NEVER! But we sit and wait thinking about how it could it be different or how what we have will magically become it. If perception is reality then why does the yearning for something other than what we have exist? We would rather try to perceive that our life is this dream we have always wanted and be disappointed that it is not, than to find the reality we seek. Maybe, it’s the separation of you from me, that makes it confusing. One day the job, the spouse, the money it all becomes possible when you perceive yourself having it. So the struggle is not real it’s continual false reality of habitual patterns. Peace, relaxation, love is REAL.
I had always imagined love to be some sort of fairy tale. Ya know, one of those best friend relationship kind of vibes? It was today, I found out the truth:
I had imagined no disagreements. Only waking up every morning to someone ready to explore their day just as I had planned. Love is more than companionship, it is commitment. I never wanted to commit, I only wanted to be a companion. However, I have found my Soul Mate, and I realize I do NOT want to be with someone like me, I want to be challenged, loved, pushed, & praised. I need adventure and growth. I deserve to be loved and valued. My gracious God, thank you for being stronger than I in times of weakness, you are my faith, you are my rock. And to you, my warrior, you are my home.
I love you,
Your completely crazy, hippie, fierce, lover.
-KBJ
One day…
You will find someone who loves even the darkest parts of your soul.
You will receive what you give.
You will not be let down by broken promises.
You will know without a doubt that he loves your child(ren) as you do.
You will stop believing in what people say and only what they do.
You will feel stable and safe, with the ability to trust your partner.
One day, my love you will be loved in return. Don’t give up.
-KBJ
Every little girl has her favorite Disney Princess; Her own imaginable love story. There’s an automatic expectation that girls should be rescued and protected by a knight in shining armor. Or that her love will be so great it will transform a beast into an honest man… Don’t get me wrong the whole’ “love story” thing is blissful, but it’s nothing like what Disney introduced. It may have not been realistic, but tall tales gave love hope.
And all lived happily ever after… We’ve all heard that a few times, it it’s not that simple. It requires work. A specific choice to put energy into something even when you don’t want to. It’s loving every inch of yourself, so that you can unconditionally love another. I am confident in the end that, Yes, you do end up, “happily ever after”, but I believe the magical story is in the journey of growing together.
True love will strip you naked of everything you thought you knew of it. You will feel like a vulnerable fool with no way of escaping a constant look in the mirror. Both of you forces to overcome fears and flaws, but in the arms of peace. Just as children are God’s way of loving us as we grow, true love is just as patient.
“Love is a journey without a map…” -unknown
You came along and taught me that I am capable. I was too stubborn to put enough trust into something new. I should taken time to trust myself…You were familiar and you knew the worst parts of me. The understanding of human flaw we shared was undeniable. We needed each other and a swift kick in the ass. I knew when I met you that you would play a significant role in my life. I thought for many years you were my forever and always and I was right. I will forever be grateful for our time spent together and I will always remember what we discovered about life – Yin & Yang. We were perfectly paired enough to create change within. I was great at teaching someone how to love themselves and you knew how to love everyone but yourself. I was giving; you had nothing to give. I was never honest with myself; you were honest with yourself about what you wanted in life.
I stood in disbelief when you said it was me…
☯️
-KBJ
😁Stay trippy, hippies… ✌🏼
I can feel myself ripping at the seams,
Begging to walk about noticeably, frayed.
The truth is devastating.
I do not want to see, but I long for illusion.
After all, the destination remains the same, but only one comes with a smile.
It maybe temporary bliss, but I remain faithful to hope.
-KBJ
I could tell by the first few day of this year; I will be challenged. Thankfully, 2018 helped shape me into a warrior. I experienced things that I never imagined to be possible. I was enlightened by my own manifestations. Just as I was in the verge of surrender, I found myself. I am centered, strong, and ready to change my vibes.
2019 = 3 in numerology.
My Life Path number: 3
Buckle up, it’s about to be a wild ride!
-KBJ 😎💆🏻♀️☯️💫#️⃣🌎♾
It may have taken me a nervous breakdown and an sobering amount of self-pity, but I figured it out without explanation. Instead of destroying it; you wanted to preserve the link. It was impossible for me to heed, coming from a series of conditional relationships. I’m not sure if it was the anxiety or pride that made it difficult to interpret the language you spoke, but it was in my grace that it was not ignored. Although, I think it would have been one of those too good to be true situations: Neither of us were comfortable with unconditional love. I knew how to give, but not receive and you… the opposite. We were counterparts, never noticing that together we we became whole; a metamorphic life lesson neither of us were yet deserving of. It was not in my journey of unity with the universe, but in my exploration of self that I found conviction.
-KBJ
To my sweet, rosy-cheeked, little mischief-maker,
I am writing this as your mother, although, you refer to me as Wonder Woman, I am human. It will be years before you read this and I may change it a million times, but there are a few things in this world I can protect you from. If I had it my way I would stand strong & tall, with a shield just like Wonder Woman and shield you from any hurt you may experience throughout life. However, if I did so, I would be robbing you of living. My job is not done until, I not only teach you to survive, but teach you to live.
My first piece of advice, I am sure you will have no problem understanding. I cannot protect you from emotions. However, I urge you in any negative moment, stand strong! Stay true to your values and morals, even when others can be excused for violating them. Although, I feel like there is never an,” excuse”, for someone violating your standards, wants, or needs; it happens. The only person that can choose who you become, is you. Don’t cave in and sacrifice yourself for another. You’re big loving heart is probably confused after you read that, but I can tell you from experience, if you give, overlook, make exceptions, and put someone’s needs before your own, it will not change anyone but yourself. It is easy to lose yourself in helping others, but what you need to remember is someone who wants to be healed will ask for help.
Secondly, we don’t all think, talk, or receive things the same. We all come from different places, standards, cultures, and environments. You are the ONLY, you, there is out there. Your past, your mistakes, your present, and successes are what make you unique. There is not another human being walking around out there that had the same path you did. We are all flawed beings from the start, but don’t ever forget you have the power to be who or whatever you wish. Find yourself and stand firm, some will love you and some will not, but don’t ever expect something from someone. Expectations are what let us down. Hope with all your heart, but don’t ever expect someone to treat you as you treat them. You can hope those around you will change, but you cannot force it or do it for them. All you can do is lead by example and if stones are thrown your way, Don’t break, kid, not everyone is going to appreciate your journey. Change happens within, it is a very personal thing that occurs from the yearning of the soul. There will be times you are forced to choose yourself and it will feel terrible and wrong in many days, but it is up to you to remain complete because your cannot love anyone else until you love yourself.
We have one life to live and as we have always said:
“What’s in there, love?” (points to her son’s chest)
“My heart!”
“And what’s in your heart?”
“Love, mommy!”
“That’s right, and whats the only thing that can change the world?”
“LOVE!” 🙂
“Where does change start?”
“ME!”:)
Love yourself and others. Be thankful and kind, my little soldier. If you learn anything along journey learn to love and be loved.
-KBJ
“It was a smile that hung cock eyed, just enough to melt the hearts of women. Con-artist were envious of it’s glow and felt less of themselves in it’s presence. On rare occasions I would desire to be the recipient of it’s affection, convinced it was perpetual. At the culmination of it’s existence the smile was wiped away by eternal vanity. Today, it is merely that of a rancid smirk, deep-seated in evanescent velvet.”
☮
-KBJ
I imagine it to be an all over consciousness of unyielding love. Something that is comparable to lying in the clouds surrounded by ripples of comfort; drifting about in utter Peace. It is a jubilation that has no metric of time to prepare or reminisce. It is surely a place of belonging, security, certainty… complete acceptance and devotion.
You could blow it.
It’s only present if you let it be.
I know sometimes I may just be lit,
But I promise it’s you in my vision(s) that I see!
You not only become a part of me,
But you stand firmly with such grit.
God forbid, I try to give you love for free;
At this rate, I don’t know how I could ever quit.
-KBJ
There is something that draws me toward you. You make all those fake little moments we have in life seem surreal. I see a person with such love and intensity hiding behind a visceral mask. Our reflection is charming in hindsight. To put it, simply -we know how I like to complicate things – You make me believe!
-KBJ
“God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.”
John 4:24 ESV
God is spirit, but who is spirit? Or what is spirit?
As defined by, Oxford Dictionary:
[ Spirit: Noun; the nonphysical part of a person that is the seat of emotions and character; the soul. Synonyms: Psyche, (Inner) self, Inner being, Mind, ego; “We seek a harmony between body and spirit”]
Thus making, [God] a state of mind, an inner being. Therefore, we are to devote within ourselves and reality.
God is unity of the mind and reality – consciousness. Oxford Dictionary supports this idea with defining consciousness as, “the fact of awareness by the mind of itself and the world”.
God is being aware. God is life, living, further more creation! The soul yearns to be loved and who embraced the energy leads to creation.
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
Genesis 1:1 ESV
If you’re still following me, this scripture is quite simple to elaborate upon. Try reading the Bible replacing God, with Love, using it as a noun.
Love, created the heavens and the earth!
Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1 John 4:8 ESV
The, “word became flesh”, Jesus was living proof the truth was in perception.
[See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure.]
1 John 3:1-24 ESV
He was beyond those he influenced. Jesus shared the pathway to peace with those around him. Thus, enlightening the common people to a personal stairway to heaven. Whether we describe heaven as a dimension, a place in the clouds, or a state of being the end result is all the same. If one can master the art of self-love and find the place between soul and reality, you will reach the highest level of awareness, the supreme realm of peace, a heaven within. You’re reality will no longer effect you. If you are blind, you will now be able to see.
-KBJ
Solitude waits patiently lurking between the conscious and subconscious. The unfamiliar territory is home to a duplicate of me. She is wild, fearless, and leads with her heart. We share the same mirror, but our reflections are differing. I can no longer ignore the roar and she is on the prowl. It is from her perspective that I will thrive.
-KBJ
Why does it feel so wrong to chose myself? I’ve been here too many times to count. A whirl wind romance on the fritz staggering between falling apart or becoming toxic. I’m not a victim. I know my faults, flaws, and wrong doings. I know I continue the vicious cycle, I cringe at the first flare up of an argument because I know it is the beginning of a down hill battle of respect among one another. I know this path better than the route home from work. I run with the idea that different actions will create different reactions. I have been loving, selfish, understanding, distant, and as a last resort committed to therapy! None of them of which have changed the outcome.
I’ve lost myself in the conundrum of , “Can people really change?”. We are human. We make mistakes. We also learn and grow, is there a rule book somewhere that justifies a fair fight? How many times does someone get to overstep boundaries before the refs calls a personal foul? Or maybe I need to look within for the answers. Is it a matter of low self-esteem and poor choices? Did I accept a mission from the universe to help heal those that have almost given up? This is my life, my choices, and what I allow, but I struggle with leaving. I would say it is 90% because I’m worried they will give up on themselves again and 10% of not wanting to be alone. My solution, space. I ask for space to be upset, clear my head, and recharge. All any man ever seems to hear when I say this is, “I hate you and I am giving up”. So, not what happens in the movies, right? What happened to sending flower just because she makes you smile?
It is a repetitive pattern. So I can only assume this is between me and Karma, but damn it, when will I get it right? I am an acquaintance with all my ex’s. It makes me sick to my stomach to hear, ” I feel like I don’t deserve you”. I have heard it all too many times, but it brings me to my latest epiphany. Where are the “middle men”. at? The one’s that aren’t perfect or rich, but they want to provide for their family and respect women? I feel like it is a choice of conforming to the lifestyle of a man that is rich to feel as though your are with a provider or dismantle your self-respect to be with someone that give the illusion of being in love with who you really are until it comes to fruition. I’m soul that has to roam free, so there will be no conforming for the sake of a false sense of security. I want so badly to draw the line in sand when it comes to falling in love with illusion, but it tricks me better and better each go around.
My thoughts are jaded and my heart is confused. As I look around at couples, I can’t help, but think it’s an unspoken acceptance of settling. He has the money, she has the looks. Ya know, the cliche type of political relationships you see where one benefits from the other, but the benefit is not that of love. I’m not perfect and I am too rough around the edges to date a man with my career focus. Nor am I willing to sacrifice my hopes and dreams to stay at home with the children. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t contribute just because I want someone available in my small amount of free time. I guess it is silly to think there is something in between, huh? I’m a mom that is married to her career…
” Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will wake up and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore.” -Lady Gaga
You are that of a divine creation,
Do NOT live within the dictation.
They have created a dependent civilization;
This way of life disturbs the essential vibration.
Emotions are tossed and turned in the gravitation,
For we yearn for the shifts of lunation.
Throughout the majestic rotation,
Societal life fills the soul with vexation.
Awaken thyself to our true formation.
It is a journey of love, not that of humation.
Explore yourself through mediation,
It is in the subconscious you may enjoy a bit of liberation.
-KBJ
I just have these days: gloomy, doubt-filled, in-complacent, dark, and dirty days that just creep up without warning. It is in these moments I can’t find what it is I need to change. What is the actual problem here? Is this just some universal shift or do I need a complete life make over? The stress, disappointment, and lack of interest is unreal, but I can never pin point the problem. I can intellectually spill my guts, but emotionally I am numb. I was doing so well finding happiness in new beginnings, doing things for myself. I had 3 month long sabbatical of excitement and joy! All to end up right back here, walking around like Eyyore from Winnie the Pooh.
Life throws me lemons, and I tend to make Lemon Rita’s out of them. I turn the negative energy into positive energy that goes back out into the world, all sassy and ready to make people smile. I do well for quite sometime. I bury myself in daily life responsibilities and relaxing adventures. Most of the time I move on to a different stage of life. I’m then ready to to take on the world, yet again…
There is something different about this time. The negative energy keeps waging war inside. I feel tired, but restless. I think about changing careers or selling my home. I seclude myself and sleep. It’s like I am on auto-pilot floating through life simply waiting for some path choosing moment. I want to feel alive. I want to smile. I want to be able to meditate and wash this negative energy away!
This isn’t it for me. I have always overcome all obstacles. I have turned pain and sorrow into motivation and strength. If only I can find the auto-pilot button and turn it off. Surely, I can’t be stuck in this mode. May the good vibes, come and sweep me away.
It’s a serene place, really. One that feels like home, but you don’t know it until you leave kind of place. It offers the comfort of hygee. It’s a place filled with such open space it feels free to be naked. It’s strange to feel free. Vulnerable;if you consider growing in a place just waiting to be explored? You must be careful not to stay too long. It will make you miss it that much more.
Oh, how I hate what you have taken,
Leaving behind the lifeless.
Strength is forsaken,
For the pain caused seems to be silenced.
I want you to stop, now!
You have taken the one’s with bright smiles.
My family and friends are mine, for you I will not endow.
Faith and strength is needed for these trials.
It is my mission to do as you have done to the innocent,
For it is you I will ruin!
You have no power, it is in your execution I will be vigilant.
Love will win because it is something you do not pursue in.
-KBJ
Now that my blog has grown a bit, I get to mingle!
Thank you, Superheroes009 (https://superheroes009.wordpress.com) for tagging me in this fun post!
I hope that many people get a chance to check out our fun pages. I’m excited to see how this goes. I think it is a great idea to share some of our quirky sides and interact with one another. Thank you for sharing this awesome opportunity to mingle.
I want to first warn you all that I am high indecisive, so I will apologize for my answers ahead of time. Ha Ha!
Let’s do this, ya’ll! 🙂
I tagged the following people to participate in this fun-filled adventure with the rest of us. If you are not one that likes the Blogger Awards or The This or That participation, my apologies. I want you to know that I only nominate you because I find your page intriguing and you have supported me among my journey. So, know that I only nominate you out of support for your amazing talents. If you wish not to participate, I understand, but please be flattered, because your talent should be celebrated! 🙂
ArtsyChic Creations
The Colour of Madness
Silver Screenings
Byungafallgren
Dave Gardner
3sistersabroad
The Controversial Indian
Paul Rados
Scott OConnor
Valentine’s Fall
I’m excited to see all your answers and get to know you better!
Stay trippy, hippies! ❤
YAY!!! I am beyond words, right now! I have finally been nominated for a Blog award! Hip, hip, hooray!
A HUGE thank you is in order for The Hippy chic for nominating me! Thank you, Michelle!She writes from an honest heart and shares her struggles and triumphs with us all. A true blogger to say the least.
Check out her fun, truthful, and passionate blog page at: https://worldpress957.wordpress.com/
Now as we all know, this nomination comes with some rules:
THE RULES:
-Thank whomever nominated you and include the link to their blog.
-Put the logo/image on your blog. List the rules.
-Tell your readers three things about yourself.
-Nominate 10-20 bloggers you feel deserve the award.
-Ask your nominees 5 questions of your choice; including one weird or funny one.
-Notify nominees by commenting on their blog.
Which as many of you already know, I write from the mind and heart. Writing helps me find myself within all the billions of thoughts my mind creates. Although, I try my best to hide it, I wear my heart on my sleeve. However, when I write there isn’t a thought or emotion I conceal within. So, you will find a lot out about be by reading just one of my blogs. However, to share a few things you may have not known about be, I kept it simple. 🙂
Now to answer questions from the Hippy Chic. 🙂 🙂 🙂
1.Would you consider your family functional or dysfunctional?
Dysfunctional, but that’s what sets us apart. It keeps me busy with personal growth.
2. What are your core values?
Honesty & Kidness
3.Would you consider yourself addicted to anything?
Yes, staying busy.
4. Most embarrassing moment?
I walked straight into a glass door and fell straight back onto the floor with a bloody nose. (My family didn’t know whether to laugh or cry)
5.Do pigs, indeed, fly?
Our perception is reality.
My Nominees
Julio Jimenez
facingvictory
Nikita Mundhra
Padmasandhya
essenceoftimeblog
Rageshree
Just Another Single Dad
Ortensia
porngirl3
Downing
SonniQ
Now I ask ya’ll….
Freedom, as defined by Merriam Webster, is the right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint. On a holiday such as, the Fourth of July, we must remind ourselves that it isn’t just about a grilled burger and beer. It is necessary to pay tribute to those in the military, selfless enough to fight in the battlefields to protect our Nation’s freedom. In my celebrating of those that have served to protect, I began to think about freedom within our nation.
We have freedom as a Nation. However, do we have freedom within our Nation? Societal rules, regulations, and laws impede on our personal freedom. However, in most cases this is to protect our nation as a whole from crime, sin, or destruction. In other countries, a crime such as, stealing will result in the removal of fingers. In retrospect, our individual freedom is protected even in events of crime more so, than in other Nations. That in itself is something to celebrate! Happy Fourth of July, ya’ll! However, our Nation nor any other nation is truly free, according to the definition of freedom. So are we fighting for something that is impossible to achieve?
To truly honor the meaning of freedom we would have to remove all military, police, government, and the justice system. This would cause chaos throughout the nation, but each individual would be truly free of any rules, regulations, or boundaries. This would allow unjust acts to go without justice. Could you imagine a life with no repercussions for the way you act, speak, or think? It would be lead to pandemonium. So I ask you this… Is it Freedom we should be fighting for or Peace?
Peace is defined by dictionary.com as freedom from disturbance, tranquility, or freedom from war and violence. Our sole purpose is not to have the freedom to act, speak, or think in a negative manner. The souls purpose is to love. Freedom is found in love through peace. It is the removal of disturbance, war, & violence that creates peace. It is not freedom that the soul seeks, but Peace that our spirit yearns for. A government fights for freedom, an individual fights for peace.
My hat is off for all those men and women soldiers of military that have served, fallen, and protected our Nation. You have allowed me the national freedom to fight for my peace. It is each and every one of you that are the true warriors.
“Freedom lies in being bold” – Robert Frost
An explanation becomes the root of all destruction. Where was I when this took a turn? How can something so beneficial become something that creates destruction? All good intentions are never enough. There is tightness, the griping of self-worth at its peak keeping me from moving forward. How do you get through? – To yourself, let alone to him? I want so badly to express how I feel to be understood, so I can get free from the grip of insanity.
It was so fulfilling, as if completing the last piece of a puzzle. A remembrance of whom I used to be, an arousal of self-passion. I smiled about things, I was once blind to. A connection, some sort of completion… A true understanding of another’s soul. As with all in life, there comes a time of choice to continue or end.
I was terrified, afraid; I denied the inevitable until it become apparent. I stared love in the eyes. I worked so hard to become one with myself. I made it! I broke free! I found happiness in who I was. I could help others do the same. Life was fruitful, and adventurous. I influenced the lives around me for the better. All past mistakes, misconceptions, and demons were non-existent.
I endlessly searched to find someone who understood. I had finally found him. It was unreal. I secretly questioned it all, but it just kept fitting. It kept falling perfectly in place as I fell in love. The gushy, heat melting, tears of happiness kind of thing you see in movies. I kept it close, but far enough away it could not keep me close. I had been there a time two. This was not some high-clouded expectation. I could be me, the me, which loved me. I was in love with me and it was contagious. I loved others with such pure, open, understanding love. I was in control of anything and everything in the world. I had the power to move mountains, to open eyes, the map of self-worth! I made to the top.
I often wondered if my purpose here was to help others. I had a gift; I just must not know how to use it. What gift could cause turmoil, right? The moment I meet someone, I can see through the person they have chosen to show others. There is an unspoken bond. As if, I am trusted with a secret.
It’s okay to love again. Or is it? There is nothing more terrifying than dating as a single mother. Will they be okay with kids? Will my child like them? When should I introduce them? Will he be a good role model? There are so many questions that come to mind it makes you want to wait until your kiddo(s) are 18 years old! Let’s be honest, how many of us can really do that?
“My entire life can be described in one sentence: it didn’t go as planned, and that is okay.” – Rachel Wolchin
*DISCLAIMER* I am not an expert or is this what I call advice. None the less, I wanted to share my outlook…
It’s okay to love again. It is actually essential that you do! You are teaching your child or children how to heal and let things go. I read something the other day that really hit home for me…”Children don’t listen to what you tell them to do, they listen to what you do”. You are their role model, and yes, maybe one day someone else will share this position with you also. However, for now, while being a single mom, you, ma’am are THE role model. It’s okay for relationships not to work out. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to start over and over and over. These instances are inevitable in life. It is what we do with them that paints the picture of who we are. Ladies, you are the picture your child will stare at for the rest of their lives. Make it count!
My advice:
Keep it classy, not trashy…
Be honest. Be Strong. Be fierce.
Don’t worry about the questions. Grab your little one tight and share with them what is going on and how you feel. But, you guard their little hearts like a mama bear. You’ll know when the time is right. And remember people come and go just as there is life and death. Show them what to do about it, gracefully, of course…
Every fairy-tale has disaster before the happy ending, but one of the characters remains the same. This is you,rock star! You are resilient and you have the power to change the world around you, all by your perception. That, my friends, is the greatest lesson you can teach children. Don’t let the bad vibes keep you down.
“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” – Oprah Winfrey
Someone very dear to me once asked me, “Why don’t you invest in yourself?”. The question left me speechless for a moment. The silence was quickly covered by a million different excuses and reasons as to why I was to busy to do what I really enjoyed. That then led me to another question… What do I enjoy?
I had been told by several teachers and colleagues that I should invest in my writing skills. I always shrugged it off thinking, I hate to write! The truth was I was just not comfortable with who I was and I didn’t like to be restricted. . In other words, I needed wide open space to find myself.
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage” – Lao Tzu
It is by love that I was shown how to love myself. As you cannot love another until you can love yourself. I started blogging on whim to try to reconnect with myself. I set small goals and I have met each of them. I found that my thoughts and feelings are shared by many. There have been several of you to offer advice or share your experience. I want to take the time to thank each and every one of you for being such an important piece in my spiritual growth.
It is with your support and interest in my blog that I have kept persevering. I can remember sitting alone in my kitchen with my laptop, unable to see through the despair of my life being in shambles. So, I wrote about it. Suddenly, my blog took off. I had more and more followers join. I broke previous records of the most likes. I finally had comments rolling in left and right. I reached many of my small goals and thanked everyone for their support. Never the less, what I should have said is thank you for being there, alone with me and my laptop. You helped me grow, or maybe stay sane, (ha, ha!) through the darkest of times. On the flip side, we have also laughed in the brightest moments. I hope that what I share can help at least one of your through your darkest time. I am here… you are here… we are here to love.
“The best way to find yourself is in the service of others.” – Mahamta Gandhi
Much love to you all! Stay trippy, hippies! xoxo
-KBJ