I can feel myself ripping at the seams,
Begging to walk about noticeably, frayed.
The truth is devastating.
I do not want to see, but I long for illusion.
After all, the destination remains the same, but only one comes with a smile.
It maybe temporary bliss, but I remain faithful to hope.
As a present day drifter: I am somewhat shattered and have taped myself back together by risky decisions and aspirations. The trickery of habitual roads has led me astray. My self discovery expedition has become pandemonium. My soul is full and drifting about in the energy of others, as a ship wreck full of diamonds, would slowly scatter about with every crash of ocean’s waves.
Apollo was considered the God of sun, music, light, & Prophecy…
I will learn how to enjoy you,
I will figure out what your about,
I used to long for the quiet, just a moment to check my mood.
Though, I didn’t want to go this route…
I always knew you could.
So I will learn to find my self in this empty space.
Hey, ya know… It’s all good.
It’s certainly time for me to save some face.
Let the tick of the clock keep me focused,
For I can then find myself in the hollow.
God, we will miss those really good moments,
But catch you on the slip side; or at the temple of Apollo.
Just when I think I knew what love was… I wonder how many times I will say that in life. I gave so much of myself to us. I don’t know who I am. I am fearful and in times of fear I seek comfort. You were my comfort. So, now I seek nothing. That is as I feel inside. Nothingness. Life is routine and survival. I learned to love the chaos, the chatter, and annoyance. You tore my walls down and made me bear the truth about myself. Now I am left here standing naked for the world to judge. There was a time you loved me as much as I loved you – That is not something you can fake. If you mistakenly thought this was something you wanted and then later decided it is not, why can’t you leave with peace. Why must you make me suffer? You changed my world. You made me questions myself at who I was and who I wanted to be. But, you can have the decency to remove you’re the pieces of yourself from the home that remains silence. You show yourself to me looking like your falling a part inside. Stand there with your daughter, who I was just responsible for looking out for, once again asking for my help… But you can’t give me closure. Lucky for you, I don’t wish to change the world anymore. I wish to change myself and if you send your wishes then I know it is as hard for you that it is me.
“Pride is the mask of one’s own faults” -Proverb
God I miss ya’ll…
Today I threw in the towel. I can no longer accept the disrespect. I hope that I am a mad person and I am making this decision over some kind of irrational emotion, but logically I cannot see it as that. If I explain my problems, triggers, and stresses in life and they are acknowledge I would think it would be understood when those things upset me. It’s not, I’m not allowed to be upset. I am not some irrational nutcase that looks for problems. However, I feel mightily disrespected when my triggers have been brought to attention, acknowledged, and I patiently explain 3 times how when it occurs it makes me feel disrespected and it keeps continuing. I am not perfect and I do have my own issues such as OCPD, but I’m a firm believer that if someone is aware of a problem and chooses to disregard it then it’s disrespect. There is nothing in this world that can make me angrier or more enraged than disrespect. I’ve made excuses for you over and over again. I’ve written, spoken, done al, but draw a picture of what I need. If you can’t give it that’s fine, I don’t expect it. We just no longer serve one another a purpose. I need someone who understands that I struggle and when triggered genuinely cares about how I feel, not someone who runs away or argues when they’ve inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to get some kind of comfort from my relationship. I don’t, it’s a job that keeps me busy and when I want to relax it doesn’ t respect my alone time. I have high standards, I do that for a reason. I want more out of life. I don’t want to survive, I want to live. Our relationship used to be living. It was fun, spontaneous, and full of adventure. It is no longer living, we are slowly dying. You walk in front of me or behind me, but never beside me. Righteously so, due to your own issues. I’m not judging you and I certainly do not hate you. I don’t even know what is I want if I thought telling you could change things. I just know what I don’t want to do. I do not want to feel disrespected in my own home in the 3 hours I might get to spend with my family. Intentional or not, it’s not my cup of tea. My heart will break and I will miss the echo’s of little voices carrying on through out the house, but I won’t miss putting in more than I am getting. I am caring, helpful, and determined, but I was taught not to lose my self-respect. If one day you read this I hope that you understand whether I or you has a problem the feeling and understanding we have is very real within. I have one requirement in the person I may spend the rest of my life with and that is to love me even when I am down. Unfortunately for this relationship, it was clear it wouldn’t be my forever the moment that I was asked what is wrong and was told I can’t feel that way. I give entirely too much of myself to not deserve being upset when feeling as though I am disrespected. I want to be with someone as understanding and caring as I. A man who can stand up to my emotions and not cower behind them in anger. Please don’t misunderstand where I am coming from, understand that we are different. I can’t help but to express what went wrong and how it could be right. It is not an attempt to hurt feelings or to release anger or comfort sadness, but to give that previous life we lived one more chance. A minor thought in my mind that maybe you will read this and stop being offended by the strong woman I am and comfort me in a time that you consider madness. One can hope, but don’t lose yourself in useless expectations.
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