The struggle isn’t real…

We’ve all heard it – “The struggle is real!” I call bullshit (for lack of a better term). We do it to ourselves. We put up with the stress and unhappiness. For what? Do we really believe that we will wake up one day and suddenly be in live with a job we have hated for years? Will our spouse suddenly want to be someone they haven’t been for the last several years? Will our bank accounts suddenly fill with money as we sit on our couch watching tv? NO! NO! NO! We know to be wealthy it takes getting off the couch. We know that our spouse will NOT wake up tomorrow wanting to be someone else. The job? Well, the likely hood of that changing, is NEVER! But we sit and wait thinking about how it could it be different or how what we have will magically become it. If perception is reality then why does the yearning for something other than what we have exist? We would rather try to perceive that our life is this dream we have always wanted and be disappointed that it is not, than to find the reality we seek. Maybe, it’s the separation of you from me, that makes it confusing. One day the job, the spouse, the money it all becomes possible when you perceive yourself having it. So the struggle is not real it’s continual false reality of habitual patterns. Peace, relaxation, love is REAL.

Soulmate, aka, Warrior

I had always imagined love to be some sort of fairy tale. Ya know, one of those best friend relationship kind of vibes? It was today, I found out the truth:

  1. Love will leave you naked- with that comes embarrassment, self-pity, & high expectations…
  2. Your scars are revealed and relived – Those deep dark pits of despair and loneliness… Prepare to reopen and explore.
  3. Fear will be in overdrive – It will feel like a shelter, a parent disappointed in you, but willing to hug you when tears begin to fall.

I had imagined no disagreements. Only waking up every morning to someone ready to explore their day just as I had planned. Love is more than companionship, it is commitment. I never wanted to commit, I only wanted to be a companion. However, I have found my Soul Mate, and I realize I do NOT want to be with someone like me, I want to be challenged, loved, pushed, & praised. I need adventure and growth. I deserve to be loved and valued. My gracious God, thank you for being stronger than I in times of weakness, you are my faith, you are my rock. And to you, my warrior, you are my home.

I love you,

Your completely crazy, hippie, fierce, lover.

-KBJ

One Day, Love… One Day

One day…

You will find someone who loves even the darkest parts of your soul.

You will receive what you give.

You will not be let down by broken promises.

You will know without a doubt that he loves your child(ren) as you do.

You will stop believing in what people say and only what they do.

You will feel stable and safe, with the ability to trust your partner.

One day, my love you will be loved in return. Don’t give up.

-KBJ

Fake Fairy Tales

Every little girl has her favorite Disney Princess; Her own imaginable love story. There’s an automatic expectation that girls should be rescued and protected by a knight in shining armor. Or that her love will be so great it will transform a beast into an honest man… Don’t get me wrong the whole’ “love story” thing is blissful, but it’s nothing like what Disney introduced. It may have not been realistic, but tall tales gave love hope.

And all lived happily ever after… We’ve all heard that a few times, it it’s not that simple. It requires work. A specific choice to put energy into something even when you don’t want to. It’s loving every inch of yourself, so that you can unconditionally love another. I am confident in the end that, Yes, you do end up, “happily ever after”, but I believe the magical story is in the journey of growing together.

True love will strip you naked of everything you thought you knew of it. You will feel like a vulnerable fool with no way of escaping a constant look in the mirror. Both of you forces to overcome fears and flaws, but in the arms of peace. Just as children are God’s way of loving us as we grow, true love is just as patient.

“Love is a journey without a map…” -unknown

Un-Tuned —-*

“There are many occasions that our soul recognizes what it needs, but our heart & mind misinterpret.”

-KBJ

Dear, 2019 … Bring it on!

I could tell by the first few day of this year; I will be challenged. Thankfully, 2018 helped shape me into a warrior. I experienced things that I never imagined to be possible. I was enlightened by my own manifestations. Just as I was in the verge of surrender, I found myself. I am centered, strong, and ready to change my vibes.

2019 = 3 in numerology.

My Life Path number: 3

Buckle up, it’s about to be a wild ride!

-KBJ 😎💆🏻‍♀️☯️💫#️⃣🌎♾

I Don’t Blame, ya!

It may have taken me a nervous breakdown and an sobering amount of self-pity, but I figured it out without explanation. Instead of destroying it; you wanted to preserve the link. It was impossible for me to heed, coming from a series of conditional relationships. I’m not sure if it was the anxiety or pride that made it difficult to interpret the language you spoke, but it was in my grace that it was not ignored. Although, I think it would have been one of those too good to be true situations:  Neither of  us were comfortable with unconditional love. I knew how to give, but not receive and you… the opposite. We were counterparts, never noticing that together we we became whole; a metamorphic life lesson neither of us were yet deserving of. It was not in my journey of unity with the universe, but in my exploration of self  that I found conviction.

-KBJ

The Euphoric Mishap

“It was a smile that hung cock eyed, just enough to melt the hearts of women. Con-artist were envious of it’s glow and  felt less of themselves in it’s presence. On rare occasions I would desire to be the recipient of it’s affection, convinced it was perpetual. At the culmination of it’s existence the smile was wiped away by eternal vanity. Today, it is merely that of a rancid smirk, deep-seated in evanescent velvet.”

-KBJ

Heaven

I imagine it to be an all over consciousness of unyielding love. Something that is comparable to lying in the clouds surrounded by ripples of comfort; drifting about in utter Peace. It is a jubilation that has no metric of time to prepare or reminisce. It is surely a place of belonging, security, certainty… complete acceptance and devotion.

– Looking Back –

“A part of you respected me, while the other questioned whether I love you. Trust in your heart for it will remain obliged”

-KBJ

Do you really know God?

“God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.”

John 4:24 ESV

God is spirit, but who is spirit? Or what is spirit?

As defined by, Oxford Dictionary:

[ Spirit: Noun; the nonphysical part of a person that is the seat of emotions and          character; the soul.  Synonyms: Psyche, (Inner) self, Inner being, Mind, ego; “We seek a harmony between body and spirit”]

Thus making, [God] a state of mind, an inner being. Therefore, we are to devote within ourselves and reality.

God is unity of the mind and reality – consciousness. Oxford Dictionary supports this idea with defining consciousness as, “the fact of awareness by the mind of itself and the world”.

God is being aware. God is life, living, further more creation! The soul yearns to be loved and who embraced the energy leads to creation.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

Genesis 1:1 ESV

If you’re still following me, this scripture is quite simple to elaborate upon. Try reading the Bible replacing God, with Love, using it as a noun.

Love, created the heavens and the earth!

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 John 4:8 ESV

The, “word became flesh”, Jesus was living proof the truth was in perception.

[See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure.]

1 John 3:1-24 ESV 

He was beyond those he influenced. Jesus shared the pathway to peace with those around him. Thus, enlightening the common people to a personal stairway to heaven. Whether we describe heaven as a dimension, a place in the clouds, or a state of being the end result is all the same. If one can master the art of self-love and find the place between soul and reality, you will reach the highest level of awareness, the supreme realm of peace, a heaven within. You’re reality will no longer effect you. If you are blind, you will now be able to see.

-KBJ

🌜Love thyself to the Moon and Back🌜

You are that of a divine creation,

Do NOT live within the dictation.

They have created a dependent civilization;

This way of life disturbs the essential vibration.

Emotions are tossed and turned in the gravitation,

For we yearn for the shifts of  lunation.

Throughout the majestic rotation,

Societal life fills the soul with vexation.

Awaken  thyself to our true formation.

It is a journey of love, not that of humation.

Explore yourself through mediation,

It is in the subconscious you may enjoy a bit of liberation.

-KBJ

Flip Side

It’s a serene place, really. One that feels like home, but you don’t know it until you leave kind of place. It offers the comfort of hygee. It’s a place filled with such open space it feels free to be naked. It’s strange to feel free. Vulnerable;if you consider growing in a place just waiting to be explored? You must be careful not to stay too long. It will make you miss it that much more.

Dear Twin Flame,

I am not sure if you are found;

Or the one that is always around.

The truth will be revealed,

But it is by chance that the former will be sealed.

Surety has wandered.

Fate is not that of this earth;

It is in the love of all things true.

My soul is wide awake for you to view.

Just as the sun and moon share the morning sky,

Our peace can be found in the mind’s eye.

-KBJ

 

 

 

I Tame your Fire, as I am, the Fuel.

You grab a hold of all my static and place all my particles perfectly where they are preordained.

The way you budge piques my interest.

You stimulate me in way that evokes emotion. I am not biased.

Just when I feel myself begin to lose control, your touch grounds me.

As a fire burns bright of orange and red embers, I remain cautious as not to give in.

But you still find a way to make me melt.

The Commitment of Trust

You were comfort in a time of despair. So close to a new beginning you even tasted bittersweet. You filled my heart with surety and intent. I can’t say whether it is due to the preexisting damage or the way I perceive things, but In the absence of trust it was all gone. People do things that break our trust. Whether that’s lying or not following through. I am starting to believe it is not intentional, but for me, I consider others before myself; so I can’t quite accept my own theory. My word is golden and in the event something happens and I am unable to follow through I address it before it occurs. However, loosing my mother at a young age and having a father who never meant what he said left me not trusting the WORLD. Let alone another human being. I want to be different; so if I love someone I give them trust, but the second a situation arises that questions it, I feel completely disrespected. I’ve always viewed it as intentional. That someone thinks to themselves before breaking your trust and knowingly puts their commitment to you aside. As I get older and keep reliving the situation , I have come to realize I should be learning, not surrendering. It’s usually not of an intent to hurt another, but a cowardly move on one’s part to protect themselves. In knowing this I don’t feel as disrespected, so I am not longer angry by a lack of commitment for trust. I understand so thoroughly that it hurts. It’s simply a separation of people. Someone doing what they wanted to do. So if we find it offensive it is because we don’t agree. We are simply a different person with different needs. It is up to us to find at this very moment that trust is challenged whether it’s worth fighting for. I am hoping to rise above. In my recent run-in with trust I handle it different than I have in the past. I addressed it head on, I let it hurt, and a made a decision of whether it was worth it.

Dear Karma,

I broke the cycle. I found a different perception of trust and handled it before it became destructive. Can I be set free from this cycle? May you bless me with what I deserve. If I am not yet done learning, please take it easy on me. My heart is fragile these days.

Sincerely,

A woman just trying to figure it all out.

Love me one day, just don’t make it today…

As a present day drifter:  I am somewhat shattered and have taped myself back together by  risky decisions and  aspirations. The trickery of habitual roads has led me astray. My self discovery expedition has become pandemonium. My soul is full and drifting about in the energy of others, as a ship wreck full of diamonds, would slowly scatter about with every crash of ocean’s waves.

-KBJ

Stuck in the Glow

As a firefly on a hot summer night, I am a light and dance in the darkness. My soul is consumed in joy and sharpness. While my mind is blending in with the background. Whether I am illuminating the brilliance of a long lost traveler or patiently walking behind the unrighteous, yet here I remain.

-KBJ

Bearable, Transformation

Spring: a time for renewal. A chance to turn over a new leaf. This freedom is invigorating with a perverted insistence on some sort growth. The expansion alone rips my walls down one by one. It is not in the death of the things I am letting go of that makes life raw,but the rather the creation of who I would like to become. The old is replaced with a vibrant opportunity for the future. It is of sheer terror that I admit my fear of change. I can’t tell if my brokenness draws you in or I gravitate toward you. It’s a matter of blurred boundaries, but your aura is enticing. I too, shall bloom.

And I Thought it was me, saving you…

All this time I thought it was me; saving you. Although, I can’t quite figure out the place I am in now, I know there’s something to come of this. It feels like a wildfire ready to burn bright. There’s just not too many ashes for it to ignite. I never realizes how safe you made feel. I was so secure with life before. Now, or feels as if it’s moving steadily around me as I am trying to figure where to stand so that it does my head ahold of me. There is such betrayal in expectations. We are better served in adapting to love instead of expecting it. It’s about what we give, not what we receive. Passion leads us to a routine that feels appropriate and we begin living it. – Without any intention of keeping it. If only I had known the future I was able to see with you. I knew it every time it spoke to me. I would have told you sooner if I had believed you weren’t experiencing the same thing. At this point, I don’t whether to run to or from it. So, don’t leave the decision to me. My choices are irrelevant to the future that’s seeking me.

This is why, writer’s & musicians can’t be together…

“They both want to change the world. One with more force than the other…”

-KBJ

Dear Silence,

 

Apollo was considered the God of sun, music, light, & Prophecy…

I will learn how to enjoy you,

I will figure out what your about,

I used to long for the quiet, just a moment to check my mood.

Though, I didn’t want to go this route…

 

I always knew you could.

So I will learn to find my self in this empty space.

Hey, ya know… It’s all good.

It’s certainly time for me to save some face.

 

Let the tick of the clock keep me focused,

For I can then find myself in the hollow.

God, we will miss those really good moments,

But catch you on the slip side; or at the temple of Apollo.

Photo Credit:https://www.wikiart.org/en/giovanni-battista-tiepolo/apollo-and-diana-1757

 

-KBJ

Tomorrow I will be Better.

Just when I think I knew what love was… I wonder how many times I will say that in life. I gave so much of myself to us. I don’t know who I am. I am fearful and in times of fear I seek comfort. You were my comfort. So, now I seek nothing. That is as I feel inside. Nothingness. Life is routine and survival. I learned to love the chaos, the chatter, and annoyance. You tore my walls down and made me bear the truth about myself. Now I am left here standing naked for the world to judge. There was a time you loved me as much as I loved you – That is not something you can fake. If you mistakenly thought this was something you wanted and then later decided it is not, why can’t you leave with peace. Why must you make me suffer? You changed my world. You made me questions myself at who I was and who I wanted to be. But, you can have the decency to remove you’re the pieces of yourself from the home that remains silence. You show yourself to me looking like your falling a part inside. Stand there with your daughter, who I was just responsible for looking out for, once again asking for my help… But you can’t give me closure. Lucky for you, I don’t wish to change the world anymore. I wish to change myself and if you send your wishes then I know it is as hard for you that it is me.

“Pride is the mask of one’s own faults” -Proverb

God I miss ya’ll…

Dear, Beautiful Woman…

When the hurt never ceases,

Do not live in shame.

You are HIS masterpiece,

So rejoice in loves’ flame.

If you get the feeling of guilt,

Do not follow the Trail of Tears.

Pain can be comfortably rebuilt,

Instant aid only enables our fears.

Let your soul be the gladiator!

The internal battle you will win.

Let Karma be the mediator,

You just heal & mend.

KBJ

-The Truth about Heaven & Hell-

I sit frozen in a world moving around me. I am here, right? The smile on a young boys face wrinkles his nose, so perfectly placed  in between two bright, rosy, red cheeks determines my existence. I am brilliantly, placed in a pit of something Godly or utterly, evil. The repetition of annoyance created by the mere image of peace makes me comfortable. The sacrifice of pure enjoyable time was swept away by a multitude of a need for more – PERFECTION! It’s an ever striving goal never achieved by the intended. The dedication to happiness, wholeness, beauty to all the adamant and material of life is feasted upon by a feeling of being jaded. A scar if you will. The clashing of every aspect of life around you could be exactly what you need. Is this life a journey of breaking the chain or are we living our own Hell?

I have a bad habit… I have found pleasure in refinement. I think it is caused by keeping my mind busy. If you don’t have the time to see the world around you there is no way to analyze the decision you’ve made from the pleasure of comforting, a vice. Every morning, I look in the mirror before I leave for work. I change endless times trying to find something to wear that is comfortable and stylishly complements the world I wish I was living in. Picture brown and tan swirled medium length carpet, a wooden box TV, and Shake and Bake pork chops for dinner. Are you picturing it? Now subtract the Mom. Add a Father that works 70 hours a week and Step-Mother trying to please everyone around her. Now you’ve found it, my life, if I used what I was taught. I refused. There was this whole other life I could have had. One that has a beautiful, with a mother baking pies at home with the children and a Father walking in the door at 6pm to sit down with the family for a warm dinner. Talk of the what fun it was walking the dog, and how exciting the church service would be on Sunday. That is what I would have, damn it! Predictability WAS going to save me and if it couldn’t I would.

You see I have this box. It’s not a very big box, but it has a few little important things in it. The little things may not be much to you, but they are my little things. Little things that are necessary to my happiness. You an I maybe different because my things; are things, not feelings, not people, not emotions, but things. I live in this box and it doesn’t have a lot of room for anyone else. It was built from envy, dedication, and complete avoidance of any feelings at all. To me, it was Heaven. And Heaven was safe. I thought it was the Heaven everyone dreamed of, but of course you learn when trying to share your box that not everyone has the same idea.

[Wait, I know how to avoid this! What if I just change  the things I want in the box? Too much of a control freak for that… If I could just make them so happy, I bet they wouldn’t care about what things we had in MY box though, right? You know, after all the effort I put into this, maybe I don’t even need this box anymore…Yes, oh yes I do!]

– A glimpse into every relationship, I have ever had.

What better way to reveal someone’s scars than to pull on the strings of their heart? I’m kind of cliché, I had a few different moments  with a Jack and even a Jim, several good men. Each one left wide open for the next woman. I had these cruel intentions that I brought into each and every relationship. I subconsciously placed myself in relationships that reminded me of the world I grew up in. Mediocre to say the least.  However, it never stopped me from giving someone something they’ve never experienced. Unconditional love. I was good at it. I loved them all for them, I was there completely. Until I wasn’t. It wasn’t them, it was really was me. The high of new and exciting wears off and suddenly you see what you signed up for. And I had signed up for Pork Chops. I always found myself straying back toward that unfamiliar betterment that your ” Jack  & Jim’s” aren’t known to strive for. We all remain friends to this day because they all chalk it up to me having a wild heart and share a love for the envy.

A wild heart never wants to be alone. Along my journey of learning to love myself and others, I was blessed with a handsome, wittingly determined, full of life little boy. It changed me. I was not allowed to be careless with people’s feelings anymore. I had to explain to everyone up front who I was again. Or who I had intended to be. I gave up my box, it became his. The love for your child is the kind of that stops life around. I could no longer walk about not explaining myself or carelessly fall head over heels for someone who didn’t fit in HIS box. I was lost, but emotionally found. I had to learn who I was and who he wanted me to be. You cannot love someone until you know what it means to love yourself.

Then it came… That relationship that makes you feel as if you are waging a war against your inner demons. One that challenges the depths of your soul and mirrors all your habits. While gracefully comforting you in love and euphoria. It makes you question things. A comfort that pushes you to accomplish all your dreams. As I stare back at myself I had been swallowed by mercy and trials, I can’t seem figure out if I am in Heaven or if I am in Hell. I just knew he would be the one to change the rest of my life.

 

Emerald Buddha

The wavy, brown-eyed little girl knew at the age of two that Mommy was not coming back. Tears rolled down her face, as she looked out of the window at the fire fighters lined up next to one another; using all their might to push the crumpled car over. Every Security vanished as I peered at my father kneeling on the ground hopeless and scared. The sound of glass scraping against the metal surface is still just as gut-wrenching as it was that day. She lay there so peacefully, but in that moment, I grew numb. All that I had learned enjoyed, and desired to be was gone, and so was my Mother, Joy.

I hated when someone said, “Aww, you poor thing. Remember, she is up there looking down you, smiling, so proud of the beautiful, person you have are. Good Lord, help me find it to force a smile and say, “it does not bother me”. Who were they to assume where she was or how she felt? You do not know her or me, but thank you, I would ramble to myself. In times of sorrow, I bathed in the self-pity, cried out to God to show me a sign she was here with me. So, as every ballsy, teen decides to do, I made it meaningful. This empty, black void was filled with a tattoo of the Celtic Trinity knot above my Mother’s name below, Joy Elaine, written in my grandmother’s handwriting. After all, we were all three connected, right? I still yearned to close my eyes and see her there, hear her talk, or any a mental memory of her existence.

The symbolism of the trinity is necessary in the journey it took to find my Mother. To some it represents the bond between grandmother, mother, and child; others believe it represents God, son, and Holy Spirit. When you see a cross, what is the first idea that comes to mind?, Jesus, or maybe crucifixion? The cross represents the idea that God’s son died for our sins. Jesus, a normal man, walked earth sharing the Holy Spirit. God created humanity with the Holy Spirit within. Society has corrupted this spirit with its methods of survival in Western society. It is dormant inside many of us, but when awoken has the power of change is possible. I have found God in Astrology Buddhism, Christianity, Numerology, and Mythology. A controversial statement to some, but I found God in all studied religion because the Holy Spirit is within. A divine connection supports the purpose for humankind.

The 12-hour workdays, coupled with raising a two-year old, created stress I could not manage; I turned to meditation. The rhythmic breathing cleared my conscious of stress. Presented with a chance to travel through a dimensional universe, I was welcomed by a 12 dimensional-four pointed, star. I was safe and secure in my sub-conscious as an image of green crystal-like pebble was presented. The image imprinted a strong feeling of importance, a completion I could not recognize. Bam! Pitter-patter, pitter-patter, and more pitter-patter everyone was home and silence was gone. Days were spent obsessing over what this object represented. Stress had won, I found myself in tears, calling my boss to take a two-day hiatus to clear my mind. After endless searching for rocks, crystals, and gems, I still had not confirmed what this image was. In a moment of hopelessness, I almost threw my spiritual journey away and everyone else with it.

My boyfriend and I stumbled upon having a rare, divine connection through astrology. Google results of any spirituality confirmed the ideal. Daily interactions with others, objects, and raw nature confirmed our purpose. However, the stress of my career would bring me back to a clouded view of what my inner purpose was. A moment of disarray, longed for more confirmation of my spiritual purpose. My boyfriend was essentially addicted to googling and knowledge about spirituality. He shared with me specific dates that this so-called spiritual inter-connection occurred. The family vacation, pictures taken Oct.10, 2016 – exactly one day before my birthday, it was perfectly, depicted in past pictures of a street sign, reading Follow Your Dreams. Rd. Coincidences of emerald appeared like fleas on a dog. Emerald is Mother’s birthstone. This moment was comparable to the unity that takes place when connecting the final and 3rd line of a triangle. I was complete and it felt Holy!

I could bore you with the symbolism of an Emerald, to confirm my awakening, but it is something you must experience. Only you can awaken your soul and heal the damages of society. Peace is the greatest gift of God. It is an apparition seen through meditation, it is the nourishment of natural food to the human body, and it the comfort felt from the touch of a soulmate’s hand. You MUST learn to love yourself. Everyone on Earth has the ability to find inner peace. Let the Supreme Being reign, in our negatively, tainted society so that we can create a little slice of heaven. Open your, “eye”; you will see the word really is inside flesh, longing to awake. Reality is premeditated by society, but your soul is Supreme. WAKE UP!

Photo credit:

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/v0uc545BpOgC7zrT3QE7f-AcV-ZzzW2DrB5J0MSj-5G7ZORPb9098bpg96sXNp21x60uag=s129