Conundrum #77,777

So is this whole being in the same place that you have before where you make different results? I don’t know if this is my meaning here or maybe my exit. I’m either here to always chose love and light no matter the situation or I’m a dumbass that’s simply insane. I am open for constructive criticism at this point ya’ll! I’ve been here many time – deciding between fighting for myself or my relationship. I keep coming to this point and I have chose both roads before. Once I turned right and stayed helping and growing- well, more apart than together – but I am sure you get the idea. I have also hung a left around the corner of my give a damns busted and went to perfect being a mom and single. So, there you have it, Universe! I broke the cycle! Time to stop the test, right? Fancy seeing you here again…

So my lovely, “love and light side ” be with me through this bout of anxiety and please persist on the reminding me to just make a damn decision!

Particular Ponderings

I find myself in the same repetitive cycle. Once again, the feeling of familiarity arises during the battle of hearts. I’m choosing a different path than the many I have previously walked. I can feel wishful thinking wiggling it’s eager way to the forefront of the future. However, to walk this particular path, I must focus on the faintest of steps with no destination in mind. Sort of a let go and let it be motto… I have never understood focusing on the moment until now. It is as if I have broken free. The peace and resonance of self love is solace. I struggle with the yearning to heal those I can see are broken, but now comes the time I must revive my soul. I will always lend the one hand and forever it will be there to help direct humanity to love, but the other hand must console me. I celebrate hope moment by moment and smile knowing it will construct what is meant to be.

‚úĆūüŹľūüíõ‚ėĮÔłŹ

John 14:16-17

“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.”

Am I Found?

Just like that… I’m back,

I’m in the purple of the flame;

The all that’s not to blame.

You might have felt as though, you gave me the fame…

The safe part is behind that plaster you value; you still look lame.

Ha, Ha! If only you could feel it,

The righteousness of my kiss.

It is having a good heart that is bliss;

I’m sorry it’s public. ūü§∑ūüŹĹ‚Äć‚ôÄÔłŹ

I’m sure you’re slightly pissed.

Untuck you’re shirt, you never did that before,

I’m sorry, I bet, slightly, it’s a bore.

I just hope it counts,

Your name sounds good just by the way my lips feel when I say the way it sounds.

The past is a mistake made by both of us, it weighs mounds;

I’m sorry if it is me that you think you found.

Tomorrow I will be Better.

Just when I think I knew what love was… I wonder how many times I will say that in life. I gave so much of myself to us. I don’t know who I am. I am fearful and in times of fear I seek comfort. You were my comfort. So, now I seek nothing. That is as I feel inside. Nothingness. Life is routine and survival. I learned to love the chaos, the chatter, and annoyance. You tore my walls down and made me bear the truth about myself. Now I am left here standing naked for the world to judge. There was a time you loved me as much as I loved you – That is not something you can fake. If you mistakenly thought this was something you wanted and then later decided it is not, why can’t you leave with peace. Why must you make me suffer? You changed my world. You made me questions myself at who I was and who I wanted to be. But, you can have the decency to remove you’re the pieces of yourself from the home that remains silence. You show yourself to me looking like your falling a part inside. Stand there with your daughter, who I was just responsible for looking out for, once again asking for my help… But you can’t give me closure. Lucky for you, I don’t wish to change the world anymore. I wish to change myself and if you send your wishes then I know it is as hard for you that it is me.

“Pride is the mask of one’s own faults” -Proverb

God I miss ya’ll…

Is it Fate?

It brings a smile to my face to introduce you to this character. He is¬†creative, charming, naturally¬†handsome, determined, and passionate.¬†¬†Not to sound clich√©, but¬†I can still remember the first moment our eyes met! It’s a rare moment in time. My guess is that time stood still because I can distinctly, to this day, smell the room, hear the¬†song playing on the stereo, and experience the comfort of completeness I felt inside when his eyes met mine. It is unrivaled. Sounds like forever kind of story, huh? Well… would you believe me if I told you that we, “dated”, on and off for 10 years, sometimes it was me that drifted, others it was him. There was never a sad, hurtful, boring moment between us. It was fun, sexy, and enticing. However,¬†life had a hold of us and would alert us when¬†it was time to go out there in the real world and gain some more experience. Then suddenly,¬†we would unexpectedly be in the same place at the same time. Even if it was at the entrance of a Kroger supermarket, we had this divine, universal connection. It was not until we were in our late twenties that we had a serious relationship. He was the prince charming to my fairytale and the best part was I was never disappointed or let down. We had what other’s yearn for; we¬†EQUALLY made one another a better person.¬†It was a slice of paradise.

All¬†good things come to an end.¬†What?¬†Did you think it would be that easy? One moment turned it all around.¬†It felt itchy and uncomfortable. We didn’t feel special anymore. Our worlds fell apart and the¬†therapists lined their pockets. I was shattered, contemplating on how we could easily transition our children into living in separate homes. Days of denial passed before the universe grabbed us tight and placed us in the same place at the same time.

Who would have known a You Tube video about Aliens and the world’s creation would send us on a journey that can only be experienced and never explained.¬†Disclaimer: This is not fiction and I¬†not¬†writing about bright, green life forms with big,¬†black eyes.¬†I am speaking of a journey about religion, God, mind, body & soul; astronomy, nature, and awareness. If you gather anything from reading this, get curious and do your own research.¬†In other words that maybe easily understood, this¬†journey was created by divine intervention. I¬†would love to share the tale of discovery with you now, but you will have to¬†read the book. ūüôā Here’s a little sneak peek:

Can you say that the universe (i.e. everything) confirms that your relationship is a divine union? The world shared secrets with us¬†that no one could begin to think up! Listen to me!¬†You will find love and¬†partnership once you can be yourself, naked for the world to see… We are human and we lose faith from time to time, but our future is beyond our control. Luckily, we are blessed to be wrapped in the warmth of God’s love to catch us when we fall.