We’ve all heard it – “The struggle is real!” I call bullshit (for lack of a better term). We do it to ourselves. We put up with the stress and unhappiness. For what? Do we really believe that we will wake up one day and suddenly be in live with a job we have hated for years? Will our spouse suddenly want to be someone they haven’t been for the last several years? Will our bank accounts suddenly fill with money as we sit on our couch watching tv? NO! NO! NO! We know to be wealthy it takes getting off the couch. We know that our spouse will NOT wake up tomorrow wanting to be someone else. The job? Well, the likely hood of that changing, is NEVER! But we sit and wait thinking about how it could it be different or how what we have will magically become it. If perception is reality then why does the yearning for something other than what we have exist? We would rather try to perceive that our life is this dream we have always wanted and be disappointed that it is not, than to find the reality we seek. Maybe, it’s the separation of you from me, that makes it confusing. One day the job, the spouse, the money it all becomes possible when you perceive yourself having it. So the struggle is not real it’s continual false reality of habitual patterns. Peace, relaxation, love is REAL.
I had always imagined love to be some sort of fairy tale. Ya know, one of those best friend relationship kind of vibes? It was today, I found out the truth:
- Love will leave you naked- with that comes embarrassment, self-pity, & high expectations…
- Your scars are revealed and relived – Those deep dark pits of despair and loneliness… Prepare to reopen and explore.
- Fear will be in overdrive – It will feel like a shelter, a parent disappointed in you, but willing to hug you when tears begin to fall.
I had imagined no disagreements. Only waking up every morning to someone ready to explore their day just as I had planned. Love is more than companionship, it is commitment. I never wanted to commit, I only wanted to be a companion. However, I have found my Soul Mate, and I realize I do NOT want to be with someone like me, I want to be challenged, loved, pushed, & praised. I need adventure and growth. I deserve to be loved and valued. My gracious God, thank you for being stronger than I in times of weakness, you are my faith, you are my rock. And to you, my warrior, you are my home.
I love you,
Your completely crazy, hippie, fierce, lover.
You will find someone who loves even the darkest parts of your soul.
You will receive what you give.
You will not be let down by broken promises.
You will know without a doubt that he loves your child(ren) as you do.
You will stop believing in what people say and only what they do.
You will feel stable and safe, with the ability to trust your partner.
One day, my love you will be loved in return. Don’t give up.
Every little girl has her favorite Disney Princess; Her own imaginable love story. There’s an automatic expectation that girls should be rescued and protected by a knight in shining armor. Or that her love will be so great it will transform a beast into an honest man… Don’t get me wrong the whole’ “love story” thing is blissful, but it’s nothing like what Disney introduced. It may have not been realistic, but tall tales gave love hope.
And all lived happily ever after… We’ve all heard that a few times, it it’s not that simple. It requires work. A specific choice to put energy into something even when you don’t want to. It’s loving every inch of yourself, so that you can unconditionally love another. I am confident in the end that, Yes, you do end up, “happily ever after”, but I believe the magical story is in the journey of growing together.
True love will strip you naked of everything you thought you knew of it. You will feel like a vulnerable fool with no way of escaping a constant look in the mirror. Both of you forces to overcome fears and flaws, but in the arms of peace. Just as children are God’s way of loving us as we grow, true love is just as patient.
“Love is a journey without a map…” -unknown
“There are many occasions that our soul recognizes what it needs, but our heart & mind misinterpret.”
I could tell by the first few day of this year; I will be challenged. Thankfully, 2018 helped shape me into a warrior. I experienced things that I never imagined to be possible. I was enlightened by my own manifestations. Just as I was in the verge of surrender, I found myself. I am centered, strong, and ready to change my vibes.
2019 = 3 in numerology.
My Life Path number: 3
Buckle up, it’s about to be a wild ride!
It may have taken me a nervous breakdown and an sobering amount of self-pity, but I figured it out without explanation. Instead of destroying it; you wanted to preserve the link. It was impossible for me to heed, coming from a series of conditional relationships. I’m not sure if it was the anxiety or pride that made it difficult to interpret the language you spoke, but it was in my grace that it was not ignored. Although, I think it would have been one of those too good to be true situations: Neither of us were comfortable with unconditional love. I knew how to give, but not receive and you… the opposite. We were counterparts, never noticing that together we we became whole; a metamorphic life lesson neither of us were yet deserving of. It was not in my journey of unity with the universe, but in my exploration of self that I found conviction.
“It was a smile that hung cock eyed, just enough to melt the hearts of women. Con-artist were envious of it’s glow and felt less of themselves in it’s presence. On rare occasions I would desire to be the recipient of it’s affection, convinced it was perpetual. At the culmination of it’s existence the smile was wiped away by eternal vanity. Today, it is merely that of a rancid smirk, deep-seated in evanescent velvet.”
I imagine it to be an all over consciousness of unyielding love. Something that is comparable to lying in the clouds surrounded by ripples of comfort; drifting about in utter Peace. It is a jubilation that has no metric of time to prepare or reminisce. It is surely a place of belonging, security, certainty… complete acceptance and devotion.
“A part of you respected me, while the other questioned whether I love you. Trust in your heart for it will remain obliged”
“God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.”
John 4:24 ESV
God is spirit, but who is spirit? Or what is spirit?
As defined by, Oxford Dictionary:
[ Spirit: Noun; the nonphysical part of a person that is the seat of emotions and character; the soul. Synonyms: Psyche, (Inner) self, Inner being, Mind, ego; “We seek a harmony between body and spirit”]
Thus making, [God] a state of mind, an inner being. Therefore, we are to devote within ourselves and reality.
God is unity of the mind and reality – consciousness. Oxford Dictionary supports this idea with defining consciousness as, “the fact of awareness by the mind of itself and the world”.
God is being aware. God is life, living, further more creation! The soul yearns to be loved and who embraced the energy leads to creation.
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
Genesis 1:1 ESV
If you’re still following me, this scripture is quite simple to elaborate upon. Try reading the Bible replacing God, with Love, using it as a noun.
Love, created the heavens and the earth!
Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1 John 4:8 ESV
The, “word became flesh”, Jesus was living proof the truth was in perception.
[See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure.]
1 John 3:1-24 ESV
He was beyond those he influenced. Jesus shared the pathway to peace with those around him. Thus, enlightening the common people to a personal stairway to heaven. Whether we describe heaven as a dimension, a place in the clouds, or a state of being the end result is all the same. If one can master the art of self-love and find the place between soul and reality, you will reach the highest level of awareness, the supreme realm of peace, a heaven within. You’re reality will no longer effect you. If you are blind, you will now be able to see.
I am either over flowing with emotions that defeat logic or my thoughts are eagerly bouncing about like a game of ping pong in hope that my indecisiveness may become dormant.
Solitude waits patiently lurking between the conscious and subconscious. The unfamiliar territory is home to a duplicate of me. She is wild, fearless, and leads with her heart. We share the same mirror, but our reflections are differing. I can no longer ignore the roar and she is on the prowl. It is from her perspective that I will thrive.
Why does it feel so wrong to chose myself? I’ve been here too many times to count. A whirl wind romance on the fritz staggering between falling apart or becoming toxic. I’m not a victim. I know my faults, flaws, and wrong doings. I know I continue the vicious cycle, I cringe at the first flare up of an argument because I know it is the beginning of a down hill battle of respect among one another. I know this path better than the route home from work. I run with the idea that different actions will create different reactions. I have been loving, selfish, understanding, distant, and as a last resort committed to therapy! None of them of which have changed the outcome.
I’ve lost myself in the conundrum of , “Can people really change?”. We are human. We make mistakes. We also learn and grow, is there a rule book somewhere that justifies a fair fight? How many times does someone get to overstep boundaries before the refs calls a personal foul? Or maybe I need to look within for the answers. Is it a matter of low self-esteem and poor choices? Did I accept a mission from the universe to help heal those that have almost given up? This is my life, my choices, and what I allow, but I struggle with leaving. I would say it is 90% because I’m worried they will give up on themselves again and 10% of not wanting to be alone. My solution, space. I ask for space to be upset, clear my head, and recharge. All any man ever seems to hear when I say this is, “I hate you and I am giving up”. So, not what happens in the movies, right? What happened to sending flower just because she makes you smile?
It is a repetitive pattern. So I can only assume this is between me and Karma, but damn it, when will I get it right? I am an acquaintance with all my ex’s. It makes me sick to my stomach to hear, ” I feel like I don’t deserve you”. I have heard it all too many times, but it brings me to my latest epiphany. Where are the “middle men”. at? The one’s that aren’t perfect or rich, but they want to provide for their family and respect women? I feel like it is a choice of conforming to the lifestyle of a man that is rich to feel as though your are with a provider or dismantle your self-respect to be with someone that give the illusion of being in love with who you really are until it comes to fruition. I’m soul that has to roam free, so there will be no conforming for the sake of a false sense of security. I want so badly to draw the line in sand when it comes to falling in love with illusion, but it tricks me better and better each go around.
My thoughts are jaded and my heart is confused. As I look around at couples, I can’t help, but think it’s an unspoken acceptance of settling. He has the money, she has the looks. Ya know, the cliche type of political relationships you see where one benefits from the other, but the benefit is not that of love. I’m not perfect and I am too rough around the edges to date a man with my career focus. Nor am I willing to sacrifice my hopes and dreams to stay at home with the children. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t contribute just because I want someone available in my small amount of free time. I guess it is silly to think there is something in between, huh? I’m a mom that is married to her career…
” Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will wake up and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore.” -Lady Gaga
You are that of a divine creation,
Do NOT live within the dictation.
They have created a dependent civilization;
This way of life disturbs the essential vibration.
Emotions are tossed and turned in the gravitation,
For we yearn for the shifts of lunation.
Throughout the majestic rotation,
Societal life fills the soul with vexation.
Awaken thyself to our true formation.
It is a journey of love, not that of humation.
Explore yourself through mediation,
It is in the subconscious you may enjoy a bit of liberation.
I just have these days: gloomy, doubt-filled, in-complacent, dark, and dirty days that just creep up without warning. It is in these moments I can’t find what it is I need to change. What is the actual problem here? Is this just some universal shift or do I need a complete life make over? The stress, disappointment, and lack of interest is unreal, but I can never pin point the problem. I can intellectually spill my guts, but emotionally I am numb. I was doing so well finding happiness in new beginnings, doing things for myself. I had 3 month long sabbatical of excitement and joy! All to end up right back here, walking around like Eyyore from Winnie the Pooh.
Life throws me lemons, and I tend to make Lemon Rita’s out of them. I turn the negative energy into positive energy that goes back out into the world, all sassy and ready to make people smile. I do well for quite sometime. I bury myself in daily life responsibilities and relaxing adventures. Most of the time I move on to a different stage of life. I’m then ready to to take on the world, yet again…
There is something different about this time. The negative energy keeps waging war inside. I feel tired, but restless. I think about changing careers or selling my home. I seclude myself and sleep. It’s like I am on auto-pilot floating through life simply waiting for some path choosing moment. I want to feel alive. I want to smile. I want to be able to meditate and wash this negative energy away!
This isn’t it for me. I have always overcome all obstacles. I have turned pain and sorrow into motivation and strength. If only I can find the auto-pilot button and turn it off. Surely, I can’t be stuck in this mode. May the good vibes, come and sweep me away.
Oh, how I hate what you have taken,
Leaving behind the lifeless.
Strength is forsaken,
For the pain caused seems to be silenced.
I want you to stop, now!
You have taken the one’s with bright smiles.
My family and friends are mine, for you I will not endow.
Faith and strength is needed for these trials.
It is my mission to do as you have done to the innocent,
For it is you I will ruin!
You have no power, it is in your execution I will be vigilant.
Love will win because it is something you do not pursue in.
Freedom, as defined by Merriam Webster, is the right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint. On a holiday such as, the Fourth of July, we must remind ourselves that it isn’t just about a grilled burger and beer. It is necessary to pay tribute to those in the military, selfless enough to fight in the battlefields to protect our Nation’s freedom. In my celebrating of those that have served to protect, I began to think about freedom within our nation.
We have freedom as a Nation. However, do we have freedom within our Nation? Societal rules, regulations, and laws impede on our personal freedom. However, in most cases this is to protect our nation as a whole from crime, sin, or destruction. In other countries, a crime such as, stealing will result in the removal of fingers. In retrospect, our individual freedom is protected even in events of crime more so, than in other Nations. That in itself is something to celebrate! Happy Fourth of July, ya’ll! However, our Nation nor any other nation is truly free, according to the definition of freedom. So are we fighting for something that is impossible to achieve?
To truly honor the meaning of freedom we would have to remove all military, police, government, and the justice system. This would cause chaos throughout the nation, but each individual would be truly free of any rules, regulations, or boundaries. This would allow unjust acts to go without justice. Could you imagine a life with no repercussions for the way you act, speak, or think? It would be lead to pandemonium. So I ask you this… Is it Freedom we should be fighting for or Peace?
Peace is defined by dictionary.com as freedom from disturbance, tranquility, or freedom from war and violence. Our sole purpose is not to have the freedom to act, speak, or think in a negative manner. The souls purpose is to love. Freedom is found in love through peace. It is the removal of disturbance, war, & violence that creates peace. It is not freedom that the soul seeks, but Peace that our spirit yearns for. A government fights for freedom, an individual fights for peace.
My hat is off for all those men and women soldiers of military that have served, fallen, and protected our Nation. You have allowed me the national freedom to fight for my peace. It is each and every one of you that are the true warriors.
“Freedom lies in being bold” – Robert Frost
I am not sure if you are found;
Or the one that is always around.
The truth will be revealed,
But it is by chance that the former will be sealed.
Surety has wandered.
Fate is not that of this earth;
It is in the love of all things true.
My soul is wide awake for you to view.
Just as the sun and moon share the morning sky,
Our peace can be found in the mind’s eye.
As a present day drifter: I am somewhat shattered and have taped myself back together by risky decisions and aspirations. The trickery of habitual roads has led me astray. My self discovery expedition has become pandemonium. My soul is full and drifting about in the energy of others, as a ship wreck full of diamonds, would slowly scatter about with every crash of ocean’s waves.
It is true that we live in the same situations until rise above them? It’s an internal hell of insanity. The soul yearns to be loved to a degree the fondness is manifested out feeble intentions. It’s something that happens at full tilt. It’s joyous and overly appropriate. A fondness developed by emotion without definition caresses our heartache and fear. It is something so needed that we question it, but take it to our hearts, as if it completes our being. Just as it is accepted, villainous energy tightly grips the humble future of it all….
As a firefly on a hot summer night, I am a light and dance in the darkness. My soul is consumed in joy and sharpness. While my mind is blending in with the background. Whether I am illuminating the brilliance of a long lost traveler or patiently walking behind the unrighteous, yet here I remain.
Well, hello, Mr. Unexpected… Who are you and who sent you to open this door that I have yet to acknowledge? It is the unforeseen circumstances that our energy has danced in unison. The perfect brokenness inside of one another fitting together like puzzles pieces. It is the nervous feeling within that suggests we may cause more destruction than either of us deserve. Maybe if we just stand right here for a while it could be different. There is no need for the practice of love, for now. Your thoughtfulness is sticky and my freedom is determined. You should get to know the side of me that rebels before you go all in.
Apollo was considered the God of sun, music, light, & Prophecy…
I will learn how to enjoy you,
I will figure out what your about,
I used to long for the quiet, just a moment to check my mood.
Though, I didn’t want to go this route…
I always knew you could.
So I will learn to find my self in this empty space.
Hey, ya know… It’s all good.
It’s certainly time for me to save some face.
Let the tick of the clock keep me focused,
For I can then find myself in the hollow.
God, we will miss those really good moments,
But catch you on the slip side; or at the temple of Apollo.
Just when I think I knew what love was… I wonder how many times I will say that in life. I gave so much of myself to us. I don’t know who I am. I am fearful and in times of fear I seek comfort. You were my comfort. So, now I seek nothing. That is as I feel inside. Nothingness. Life is routine and survival. I learned to love the chaos, the chatter, and annoyance. You tore my walls down and made me bear the truth about myself. Now I am left here standing naked for the world to judge. There was a time you loved me as much as I loved you – That is not something you can fake. If you mistakenly thought this was something you wanted and then later decided it is not, why can’t you leave with peace. Why must you make me suffer? You changed my world. You made me questions myself at who I was and who I wanted to be. But, you can have the decency to remove you’re the pieces of yourself from the home that remains silence. You show yourself to me looking like your falling a part inside. Stand there with your daughter, who I was just responsible for looking out for, once again asking for my help… But you can’t give me closure. Lucky for you, I don’t wish to change the world anymore. I wish to change myself and if you send your wishes then I know it is as hard for you that it is me.
“Pride is the mask of one’s own faults” -Proverb
God I miss ya’ll…
Life stood still.
Silences becomes real.
Peace and I had made a deal.
Time has lost it’s will.
The mind is now in control,
Feel the tranquility.
Release the wicked from your soul.
Seeing into the future is an acquired ability.