The struggle isn’t real…

We’ve all heard it – “The struggle is real!” I call bullshit (for lack of a better term). We do it to ourselves. We put up with the stress and unhappiness. For what? Do we really believe that we will wake up one day and suddenly be in live with a job we have hated for years? Will our spouse suddenly want to be someone they haven’t been for the last several years? Will our bank accounts suddenly fill with money as we sit on our couch watching tv? NO! NO! NO! We know to be wealthy it takes getting off the couch. We know that our spouse will NOT wake up tomorrow wanting to be someone else. The job? Well, the likely hood of that changing, is NEVER! But we sit and wait thinking about how it could it be different or how what we have will magically become it. If perception is reality then why does the yearning for something other than what we have exist? We would rather try to perceive that our life is this dream we have always wanted and be disappointed that it is not, than to find the reality we seek. Maybe, it’s the separation of you from me, that makes it confusing. One day the job, the spouse, the money it all becomes possible when you perceive yourself having it. So the struggle is not real it’s continual false reality of habitual patterns. Peace, relaxation, love is REAL.

Soulmate, aka, Warrior

I had always imagined love to be some sort of fairy tale. Ya know, one of those best friend relationship kind of vibes? It was today, I found out the truth:

  1. Love will leave you naked- with that comes embarrassment, self-pity, & high expectations…
  2. Your scars are revealed and relived – Those deep dark pits of despair and loneliness… Prepare to reopen and explore.
  3. Fear will be in overdrive – It will feel like a shelter, a parent disappointed in you, but willing to hug you when tears begin to fall.

I had imagined no disagreements. Only waking up every morning to someone ready to explore their day just as I had planned. Love is more than companionship, it is commitment. I never wanted to commit, I only wanted to be a companion. However, I have found my Soul Mate, and I realize I do NOT want to be with someone like me, I want to be challenged, loved, pushed, & praised. I need adventure and growth. I deserve to be loved and valued. My gracious God, thank you for being stronger than I in times of weakness, you are my faith, you are my rock. And to you, my warrior, you are my home.

I love you,

Your completely crazy, hippie, fierce, lover.

-KBJ

One Day, Love… One Day

One day…

You will find someone who loves even the darkest parts of your soul.

You will receive what you give.

You will not be let down by broken promises.

You will know without a doubt that he loves your child(ren) as you do.

You will stop believing in what people say and only what they do.

You will feel stable and safe, with the ability to trust your partner.

One day, my love you will be loved in return. Don’t give up.

-KBJ

Fake Fairy Tales

Every little girl has her favorite Disney Princess; Her own imaginable love story. There’s an automatic expectation that girls should be rescued and protected by a knight in shining armor. Or that her love will be so great it will transform a beast into an honest man… Don’t get me wrong the whole’ “love story” thing is blissful, but it’s nothing like what Disney introduced. It may have not been realistic, but tall tales gave love hope.

And all lived happily ever after… We’ve all heard that a few times, it it’s not that simple. It requires work. A specific choice to put energy into something even when you don’t want to. It’s loving every inch of yourself, so that you can unconditionally love another. I am confident in the end that, Yes, you do end up, “happily ever after”, but I believe the magical story is in the journey of growing together.

True love will strip you naked of everything you thought you knew of it. You will feel like a vulnerable fool with no way of escaping a constant look in the mirror. Both of you forces to overcome fears and flaws, but in the arms of peace. Just as children are God’s way of loving us as we grow, true love is just as patient.

“Love is a journey without a map…” -unknown

Dear, Discernible Future

You came along and taught me that I am capable. I was too stubborn to put enough trust into something new. I should taken time to trust myself…You were familiar and you knew the worst parts of me. The understanding of human flaw we shared was undeniable. We needed each other and a swift kick in the ass. I knew when I met you that you would play a significant role in my life. I thought for many years you were my forever and always and I was right. I will forever be grateful for our time spent together and I will always remember what we discovered about life – Yin & Yang. We were perfectly paired enough to create change within. I was great at teaching someone how to love themselves and you knew how to love everyone but yourself. I was giving; you had nothing to give. I was never honest with myself; you were honest with yourself about what you wanted in life.

I stood in disbelief when you said it was me…

☯️

-KBJ

😁Stay trippy, hippies… ✌🏼

Un-Tuned —-*

“There are many occasions that our soul recognizes what it needs, but our heart & mind misinterpret.”

-KBJ

-Worn & Wrinkly

I can feel myself ripping at the seams,

Begging to walk about noticeably, frayed.

The truth is devastating.

I do not want to see, but I long for illusion.

After all, the destination remains the same, but only one comes with a smile.

It maybe temporary bliss, but I remain faithful to hope.

-KBJ

Dear, 2019 … Bring it on!

I could tell by the first few day of this year; I will be challenged. Thankfully, 2018 helped shape me into a warrior. I experienced things that I never imagined to be possible. I was enlightened by my own manifestations. Just as I was in the verge of surrender, I found myself. I am centered, strong, and ready to change my vibes.

2019 = 3 in numerology.

My Life Path number: 3

Buckle up, it’s about to be a wild ride!

-KBJ 😎💆🏻‍♀️☯️💫#️⃣🌎♾

I Don’t Blame, ya!

It may have taken me a nervous breakdown and an sobering amount of self-pity, but I figured it out without explanation. Instead of destroying it; you wanted to preserve the link. It was impossible for me to heed, coming from a series of conditional relationships. I’m not sure if it was the anxiety or pride that made it difficult to interpret the language you spoke, but it was in my grace that it was not ignored. Although, I think it would have been one of those too good to be true situations:  Neither of  us were comfortable with unconditional love. I knew how to give, but not receive and you… the opposite. We were counterparts, never noticing that together we we became whole; a metamorphic life lesson neither of us were yet deserving of. It was not in my journey of unity with the universe, but in my exploration of self  that I found conviction.

-KBJ

“(D)on’t (B)reak, (K)id”

To my sweet, rosy-cheeked, little mischief-maker,

I am writing this as your mother, although, you refer to me as Wonder Woman, I am human. It will be years before you read this and I may change it a million times, but there are a few things in this world I can protect you from. If I had it my way I would stand strong & tall, with a shield just like Wonder Woman and shield you from any hurt you may experience throughout life. However, if I did so, I would be robbing you of living. My job is not done until, I not only teach you to survive, but teach you to live.

My first piece of advice, I am sure you will have no problem understanding. I cannot protect you from emotions. However, I urge you in any negative moment, stand strong! Stay true to your values and morals, even when others can be excused for violating them. Although, I feel like there is never an,” excuse”, for someone violating your standards, wants, or needs; it happens. The only person that can choose who you become, is you. Don’t cave in and sacrifice yourself for another. You’re big loving heart is probably confused after you read that, but I can tell you from experience, if you give, overlook, make exceptions, and put someone’s needs before your own, it will not change anyone but yourself.  It is easy to lose yourself in helping others, but what you need to remember is someone who wants to be healed will ask for help.

Secondly, we don’t all think, talk, or receive things the same. We all come from different places, standards, cultures, and environments. You are the ONLY, you, there is out there. Your past, your mistakes, your present, and successes are what make you unique. There is not another human being walking around out there that had the same path you did. We are all flawed beings from the start, but don’t ever forget you have the power to be who or whatever you wish. Find yourself and stand firm, some will love you and some will not, but don’t ever expect something from someone. Expectations are what let us down. Hope with all your heart, but don’t ever expect someone to treat you as you treat them. You can hope those around you will change, but you cannot force it or do it for them. All you can do is lead by example and if stones are thrown your way, Don’t break, kid, not everyone is going to appreciate your journey. Change happens within, it is a very personal thing that occurs from the yearning of the soul. There will be times you are forced to choose yourself and it will feel terrible and wrong in many days, but it is up to you to remain complete because your cannot love anyone else until you love yourself.

We have one life to live and as we have always said:

“What’s in there, love?” (points to her son’s chest)

“My heart!”

“And what’s in your heart?”

“Love, mommy!”

“That’s right, and whats the only thing that can change the world?”

“LOVE!” 🙂

“Where does change start?”

“ME!”:)

Love yourself and others. Be thankful and kind, my little soldier. If you learn anything along journey learn to love and be loved.

-KBJ

The Euphoric Mishap

“It was a smile that hung cock eyed, just enough to melt the hearts of women. Con-artist were envious of it’s glow and  felt less of themselves in it’s presence. On rare occasions I would desire to be the recipient of it’s affection, convinced it was perpetual. At the culmination of it’s existence the smile was wiped away by eternal vanity. Today, it is merely that of a rancid smirk, deep-seated in evanescent velvet.”

-KBJ

Heaven

I imagine it to be an all over consciousness of unyielding love. Something that is comparable to lying in the clouds surrounded by ripples of comfort; drifting about in utter Peace. It is a jubilation that has no metric of time to prepare or reminisce. It is surely a place of belonging, security, certainty… complete acceptance and devotion.

– Looking Back –

“A part of you respected me, while the other questioned whether I love you. Trust in your heart for it will remain obliged”

-KBJ

Do you really know God?

“God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.”

John 4:24 ESV

God is spirit, but who is spirit? Or what is spirit?

As defined by, Oxford Dictionary:

[ Spirit: Noun; the nonphysical part of a person that is the seat of emotions and          character; the soul.  Synonyms: Psyche, (Inner) self, Inner being, Mind, ego; “We seek a harmony between body and spirit”]

Thus making, [God] a state of mind, an inner being. Therefore, we are to devote within ourselves and reality.

God is unity of the mind and reality – consciousness. Oxford Dictionary supports this idea with defining consciousness as, “the fact of awareness by the mind of itself and the world”.

God is being aware. God is life, living, further more creation! The soul yearns to be loved and who embraced the energy leads to creation.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

Genesis 1:1 ESV

If you’re still following me, this scripture is quite simple to elaborate upon. Try reading the Bible replacing God, with Love, using it as a noun.

Love, created the heavens and the earth!

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 John 4:8 ESV

The, “word became flesh”, Jesus was living proof the truth was in perception.

[See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure.]

1 John 3:1-24 ESV 

He was beyond those he influenced. Jesus shared the pathway to peace with those around him. Thus, enlightening the common people to a personal stairway to heaven. Whether we describe heaven as a dimension, a place in the clouds, or a state of being the end result is all the same. If one can master the art of self-love and find the place between soul and reality, you will reach the highest level of awareness, the supreme realm of peace, a heaven within. You’re reality will no longer effect you. If you are blind, you will now be able to see.

-KBJ

Take my Advice

“People are rarely who they claim to be; but perhaps it is who they wish to become?”-KBJ

Subconsciously

I am either over flowing with emotions that defeat logic or my thoughts are eagerly bouncing about like a game of ping pong in hope that my indecisiveness may become dormant.

-KBJ

Authentically, Rule the Occassion.

Solitude waits patiently lurking between the conscious and subconscious. The unfamiliar territory is home to a duplicate of me. She is wild, fearless, and leads with her heart. We share the same mirror, but our reflections are differing. I can no longer ignore the roar and she is on the prowl. It is from her perspective that I will thrive.

-KBJ

🌜Love thyself to the Moon and Back🌜

You are that of a divine creation,

Do NOT live within the dictation.

They have created a dependent civilization;

This way of life disturbs the essential vibration.

Emotions are tossed and turned in the gravitation,

For we yearn for the shifts of  lunation.

Throughout the majestic rotation,

Societal life fills the soul with vexation.

Awaken  thyself to our true formation.

It is a journey of love, not that of humation.

Explore yourself through mediation,

It is in the subconscious you may enjoy a bit of liberation.

-KBJ

The Missing Key

I just have these days: gloomy, doubt-filled, in-complacent, dark, and dirty days that just creep up without warning. It is in these moments I can’t find what it is I need to change. What is the actual problem here? Is this just some universal shift or do I need a complete life make over? The stress, disappointment, and lack of interest is unreal, but I can never pin point the problem. I can intellectually spill my guts, but emotionally I am numb. I was doing so well finding happiness in new beginnings, doing things for myself. I had 3 month long sabbatical of excitement and joy! All to end up right back here, walking around like Eyyore from Winnie the Pooh.

Life throws me lemons, and I tend to make Lemon Rita’s out of them. I turn the negative energy into positive energy that goes back out into the world, all  sassy and ready to make people smile. I do well for quite sometime. I bury myself in daily life responsibilities and relaxing adventures. Most of the time I move on to a different stage of life. I’m then ready to to take on the world, yet again…

There is something different about this time. The negative energy keeps waging war inside. I feel tired, but restless. I think about changing careers or selling my home. I seclude myself and sleep. It’s like I am on auto-pilot floating through life simply waiting for some path choosing moment. I want to feel alive. I want to smile. I want to be able to meditate and wash this negative energy away!

This isn’t it for me. I have always overcome all obstacles. I have turned pain and sorrow into motivation and strength. If only I can find the auto-pilot button and turn it off. Surely, I can’t be stuck in this mode. May the good vibes, come and sweep me away.

Dear Single Mom:

It’s okay to love again. Or is it? There is nothing more terrifying than dating as a single mother. Will they be okay with kids? Will my child like them? When should I introduce them? Will he be a good role model? There are so many questions that come to mind it makes you want to wait until your kiddo(s) are 18 years old! Let’s be honest, how many of us can really do that?

“My entire life can be described in one sentence: it didn’t go as planned, and that is okay.” – Rachel Wolchin

*DISCLAIMER* I am not an expert or is this what I call advice. None the less, I wanted to share my outlook…

It’s okay to love again. It is actually essential that you do! You are teaching your child or children how to heal and let things go. I read something the other day that really hit home for me…”Children don’t listen to what you tell them to do, they listen to what you do”.  You are their role model, and yes, maybe one day someone else will share this position with you also. However, for now, while being a single mom, you, ma’am are THE role model. It’s okay for relationships not to work out. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to start over and over and over.  These instances are inevitable in life. It is what we do with them that paints the picture of who we are. Ladies, you are the picture your child will stare at for the rest of their lives. Make it count!

My advice:

Keep it classy, not trashy…

Be honest. Be Strong. Be fierce.

Don’t worry about the questions. Grab your little one tight and share with them what is going on and how you feel. But, you guard their little hearts like a mama bear. You’ll know when the time is right. And remember people come and go just as there is life and death.  Show them what to do about it, gracefully, of course…

Every fairy-tale has disaster before the happy ending, but one of the characters remains the same. This is you,rock star! You are resilient and you have the power to change the world around you, all by your perception. That, my friends, is the greatest lesson you can teach children. Don’t let the bad vibes keep you down.

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” – Oprah Winfrey

Dear Twin Flame,

I am not sure if you are found;

Or the one that is always around.

The truth will be revealed,

But it is by chance that the former will be sealed.

Surety has wandered.

Fate is not that of this earth;

It is in the love of all things true.

My soul is wide awake for you to view.

Just as the sun and moon share the morning sky,

Our peace can be found in the mind’s eye.

-KBJ

 

 

 

I Tame your Fire, as I am, the Fuel.

You grab a hold of all my static and place all my particles perfectly where they are preordained.

The way you budge piques my interest.

You stimulate me in way that evokes emotion. I am not biased.

Just when I feel myself begin to lose control, your touch grounds me.

As a fire burns bright of orange and red embers, I remain cautious as not to give in.

But you still find a way to make me melt.

The Commitment of Trust

You were comfort in a time of despair. So close to a new beginning you even tasted bittersweet. You filled my heart with surety and intent. I can’t say whether it is due to the preexisting damage or the way I perceive things, but In the absence of trust it was all gone. People do things that break our trust. Whether that’s lying or not following through. I am starting to believe it is not intentional, but for me, I consider others before myself; so I can’t quite accept my own theory. My word is golden and in the event something happens and I am unable to follow through I address it before it occurs. However, loosing my mother at a young age and having a father who never meant what he said left me not trusting the WORLD. Let alone another human being. I want to be different; so if I love someone I give them trust, but the second a situation arises that questions it, I feel completely disrespected. I’ve always viewed it as intentional. That someone thinks to themselves before breaking your trust and knowingly puts their commitment to you aside. As I get older and keep reliving the situation , I have come to realize I should be learning, not surrendering. It’s usually not of an intent to hurt another, but a cowardly move on one’s part to protect themselves. In knowing this I don’t feel as disrespected, so I am not longer angry by a lack of commitment for trust. I understand so thoroughly that it hurts. It’s simply a separation of people. Someone doing what they wanted to do. So if we find it offensive it is because we don’t agree. We are simply a different person with different needs. It is up to us to find at this very moment that trust is challenged whether it’s worth fighting for. I am hoping to rise above. In my recent run-in with trust I handle it different than I have in the past. I addressed it head on, I let it hurt, and a made a decision of whether it was worth it.

Dear Karma,

I broke the cycle. I found a different perception of trust and handled it before it became destructive. Can I be set free from this cycle? May you bless me with what I deserve. If I am not yet done learning, please take it easy on me. My heart is fragile these days.

Sincerely,

A woman just trying to figure it all out.

Love me one day, just don’t make it today…

As a present day drifter:  I am somewhat shattered and have taped myself back together by  risky decisions and  aspirations. The trickery of habitual roads has led me astray. My self discovery expedition has become pandemonium. My soul is full and drifting about in the energy of others, as a ship wreck full of diamonds, would slowly scatter about with every crash of ocean’s waves.

-KBJ

The Courtesy of Chaos

It is true that we live in the same situations until rise above them? It’s an internal hell of insanity. The soul yearns to be loved to a degree the fondness is manifested out feeble intentions. It’s something that happens at full tilt. It’s joyous and overly appropriate. A fondness developed by emotion without definition caresses our heartache and fear. It is something so needed that we question it, but take it to our hearts, as if it completes our being. Just as it is accepted, villainous energy tightly grips the humble future of it all….

Stuck in the Glow

As a firefly on a hot summer night, I am a light and dance in the darkness. My soul is consumed in joy and sharpness. While my mind is blending in with the background. Whether I am illuminating the brilliance of a long lost traveler or patiently walking behind the unrighteous, yet here I remain.

-KBJ

Mr. Unannounced

Well, hello, Mr. Unexpected… Who are you and who sent you to open this door that I have yet to acknowledge? It is the unforeseen circumstances that our energy has danced in unison. The perfect brokenness inside of one another fitting together like puzzles pieces. It is the nervous feeling within that suggests we may cause more destruction than either of us deserve. Maybe if we just stand right here for a while it could be different. There is no need for the practice of love, for now. Your thoughtfulness is sticky and my freedom is determined. You should get to know the side of me that rebels before you go all in.

“It’s a Thrill to be a Fan Amongst Fans”-Nathan Fillion

It is of recent I decided to write from the Soul. No impressing, tweaking, or trying to market a specific kind of reader, just plain ol’ me. I am enthused with the amount readers, writers, bloggers, and critics that took time out of their busy lives and utter most passion to let me know that I am heard. Your support is unrivaled and I have found comfort in your encouraging words to dig deeper. You have inspired me to bare my soul, with no shame or hesitation. It may just be a simple click of the like button, but for me, my friends it the beginning of friendship. -Cheers to many more!

I ask you all one question:

Why do you write?

Leave me your story in the comments below. Looking forward to hearing from you all! 🙂

P.S. “Strangers are Friends You have not met yet.” -Roberta Leiberman

Dear Silence,

 

Apollo was considered the God of sun, music, light, & Prophecy…

I will learn how to enjoy you,

I will figure out what your about,

I used to long for the quiet, just a moment to check my mood.

Though, I didn’t want to go this route…

 

I always knew you could.

So I will learn to find my self in this empty space.

Hey, ya know… It’s all good.

It’s certainly time for me to save some face.

 

Let the tick of the clock keep me focused,

For I can then find myself in the hollow.

God, we will miss those really good moments,

But catch you on the slip side; or at the temple of Apollo.

Photo Credit:https://www.wikiart.org/en/giovanni-battista-tiepolo/apollo-and-diana-1757

 

-KBJ

Tomorrow I will be Better.

Just when I think I knew what love was… I wonder how many times I will say that in life. I gave so much of myself to us. I don’t know who I am. I am fearful and in times of fear I seek comfort. You were my comfort. So, now I seek nothing. That is as I feel inside. Nothingness. Life is routine and survival. I learned to love the chaos, the chatter, and annoyance. You tore my walls down and made me bear the truth about myself. Now I am left here standing naked for the world to judge. There was a time you loved me as much as I loved you – That is not something you can fake. If you mistakenly thought this was something you wanted and then later decided it is not, why can’t you leave with peace. Why must you make me suffer? You changed my world. You made me questions myself at who I was and who I wanted to be. But, you can have the decency to remove you’re the pieces of yourself from the home that remains silence. You show yourself to me looking like your falling a part inside. Stand there with your daughter, who I was just responsible for looking out for, once again asking for my help… But you can’t give me closure. Lucky for you, I don’t wish to change the world anymore. I wish to change myself and if you send your wishes then I know it is as hard for you that it is me.

“Pride is the mask of one’s own faults” -Proverb

God I miss ya’ll…

Here you have it, Folks…The End.

Today I threw in the towel. I can no longer accept the disrespect. I hope that I am a mad person and I am making this decision over some kind of irrational emotion, but logically I cannot see it as that. If I explain my problems, triggers, and stresses in life and they are acknowledge I would think it would be understood when those things upset me. It’s not, I’m not allowed to be upset. I am not some irrational nutcase that looks for problems. However, I feel mightily disrespected when my triggers have been brought to attention, acknowledged, and I patiently explain 3 times how when it occurs it makes me feel disrespected and it keeps continuing. I am not perfect and I do have my own issues such as OCPD, but I’m a firm believer that if someone is aware of a problem and chooses to disregard it then it’s disrespect. There is nothing in this world that can make me angrier or more enraged than disrespect. I’ve made excuses for you over and over again. I’ve written, spoken, done al, but draw a picture of what I need. If you can’t give it that’s fine, I don’t expect it. We just no longer serve one another a purpose. I need someone who understands that I struggle and when triggered genuinely cares about how I feel, not someone who runs away or argues when they’ve inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to get some kind of comfort from my relationship. I don’t, it’s a job that keeps me busy and when I want to relax it doesn’ t respect my alone time. I have high standards, I do that for a reason. I want more out of life. I don’t want to survive, I want to live. Our relationship used to be living. It was fun, spontaneous, and full of adventure. It is no longer living, we are slowly dying. You walk in front of me or behind me, but never beside me. Righteously so, due to your own issues. I’m not judging you and I certainly do not hate you. I don’t even know what is I want if I thought telling you could change things. I just know what I don’t want to do. I do not want to feel disrespected in my own home in the 3 hours I might get to spend with my family. Intentional or not, it’s not my cup of tea. My heart will break and I will miss the echo’s of little voices carrying on through out the house, but I won’t miss putting in more than I am getting. I am caring, helpful, and determined, but I was taught not to lose my self-respect. If one day you read this I hope that you understand whether I or you has a problem the feeling and understanding we have is very real within. I have one requirement in the person I may spend the rest of my life with and that is to love me even when I am down. Unfortunately for this relationship, it was clear it wouldn’t be my forever the moment that I was asked what is wrong and was told I can’t feel that way. I give entirely too much of myself to not deserve being upset when feeling as though I am disrespected. I want to be with someone as understanding and caring as I. A man who can stand up to my emotions and not cower behind them in anger. Please don’t misunderstand where I am coming from, understand that we are different. I can’t help but to express what went wrong and how it could be right. It is not an attempt to hurt feelings or to release anger or comfort sadness, but to give that previous life we lived one more chance. A minor thought in my mind that maybe you will read this and stop being offended by the strong woman I am and comfort me in a time that you consider madness.  One can hope, but don’t lose yourself in useless expectations.

Photo Credit: http://galacticconnection.com/category/testimonials/