The struggle isn’t real…

We’ve all heard it – “The struggle is real!” I call bullshit (for lack of a better term). We do it to ourselves. We put up with the stress and unhappiness. For what? Do we really believe that we will wake up one day and suddenly be in live with a job we have hated for years? Will our spouse suddenly want to be someone they haven’t been for the last several years? Will our bank accounts suddenly fill with money as we sit on our couch watching tv? NO! NO! NO! We know to be wealthy it takes getting off the couch. We know that our spouse will NOT wake up tomorrow wanting to be someone else. The job? Well, the likely hood of that changing, is NEVER! But we sit and wait thinking about how it could it be different or how what we have will magically become it. If perception is reality then why does the yearning for something other than what we have exist? We would rather try to perceive that our life is this dream we have always wanted and be disappointed that it is not, than to find the reality we seek. Maybe, it’s the separation of you from me, that makes it confusing. One day the job, the spouse, the money it all becomes possible when you perceive yourself having it. So the struggle is not real it’s continual false reality of habitual patterns. Peace, relaxation, love is REAL.

Soulmate, aka, Warrior

I had always imagined love to be some sort of fairy tale. Ya know, one of those best friend relationship kind of vibes? It was today, I found out the truth:

  1. Love will leave you naked- with that comes embarrassment, self-pity, & high expectations…
  2. Your scars are revealed and relived – Those deep dark pits of despair and loneliness… Prepare to reopen and explore.
  3. Fear will be in overdrive – It will feel like a shelter, a parent disappointed in you, but willing to hug you when tears begin to fall.

I had imagined no disagreements. Only waking up every morning to someone ready to explore their day just as I had planned. Love is more than companionship, it is commitment. I never wanted to commit, I only wanted to be a companion. However, I have found my Soul Mate, and I realize I do NOT want to be with someone like me, I want to be challenged, loved, pushed, & praised. I need adventure and growth. I deserve to be loved and valued. My gracious God, thank you for being stronger than I in times of weakness, you are my faith, you are my rock. And to you, my warrior, you are my home.

I love you,

Your completely crazy, hippie, fierce, lover.

-KBJ

One Day, Love… One Day

One day…

You will find someone who loves even the darkest parts of your soul.

You will receive what you give.

You will not be let down by broken promises.

You will know without a doubt that he loves your child(ren) as you do.

You will stop believing in what people say and only what they do.

You will feel stable and safe, with the ability to trust your partner.

One day, my love you will be loved in return. Don’t give up.

-KBJ

Fake Fairy Tales

Every little girl has her favorite Disney Princess; Her own imaginable love story. There’s an automatic expectation that girls should be rescued and protected by a knight in shining armor. Or that her love will be so great it will transform a beast into an honest man… Don’t get me wrong the whole’ “love story” thing is blissful, but it’s nothing like what Disney introduced. It may have not been realistic, but tall tales gave love hope.

And all lived happily ever after… We’ve all heard that a few times, it it’s not that simple. It requires work. A specific choice to put energy into something even when you don’t want to. It’s loving every inch of yourself, so that you can unconditionally love another. I am confident in the end that, Yes, you do end up, “happily ever after”, but I believe the magical story is in the journey of growing together.

True love will strip you naked of everything you thought you knew of it. You will feel like a vulnerable fool with no way of escaping a constant look in the mirror. Both of you forces to overcome fears and flaws, but in the arms of peace. Just as children are God’s way of loving us as we grow, true love is just as patient.

“Love is a journey without a map…” -unknown

Un-Tuned —-*

“There are many occasions that our soul recognizes what it needs, but our heart & mind misinterpret.”

-KBJ

-Worn & Wrinkly

I can feel myself ripping at the seams,

Begging to walk about noticeably, frayed.

The truth is devastating.

I do not want to see, but I long for illusion.

After all, the destination remains the same, but only one comes with a smile.

It maybe temporary bliss, but I remain faithful to hope.

-KBJ

Dear, 2019 … Bring it on!

I could tell by the first few day of this year; I will be challenged. Thankfully, 2018 helped shape me into a warrior. I experienced things that I never imagined to be possible. I was enlightened by my own manifestations. Just as I was in the verge of surrender, I found myself. I am centered, strong, and ready to change my vibes.

2019 = 3 in numerology.

My Life Path number: 3

Buckle up, it’s about to be a wild ride!

-KBJ 😎💆🏻‍♀️☯️💫#️⃣🌎♾

I Don’t Blame, ya!

It may have taken me a nervous breakdown and an sobering amount of self-pity, but I figured it out without explanation. Instead of destroying it; you wanted to preserve the link. It was impossible for me to heed, coming from a series of conditional relationships. I’m not sure if it was the anxiety or pride that made it difficult to interpret the language you spoke, but it was in my grace that it was not ignored. Although, I think it would have been one of those too good to be true situations:  Neither of  us were comfortable with unconditional love. I knew how to give, but not receive and you… the opposite. We were counterparts, never noticing that together we we became whole; a metamorphic life lesson neither of us were yet deserving of. It was not in my journey of unity with the universe, but in my exploration of self  that I found conviction.

-KBJ

Heaven

I imagine it to be an all over consciousness of unyielding love. Something that is comparable to lying in the clouds surrounded by ripples of comfort; drifting about in utter Peace. It is a jubilation that has no metric of time to prepare or reminisce. It is surely a place of belonging, security, certainty… complete acceptance and devotion.

– Looking Back –

“A part of you respected me, while the other questioned whether I love you. Trust in your heart for it will remain obliged”

-KBJ

Take my Advice

“People are rarely who they claim to be; but perhaps it is who they wish to become?”-KBJ

Wandering Women

“If you make him your shelter; you will be left bare. Smile in the rediscovery for it will be your journey. ”

– KBJ

Subconsciously

I am either over flowing with emotions that defeat logic or my thoughts are eagerly bouncing about like a game of ping pong in hope that my indecisiveness may become dormant.

-KBJ

The Missing Key

I just have these days: gloomy, doubt-filled, in-complacent, dark, and dirty days that just creep up without warning. It is in these moments I can’t find what it is I need to change. What is the actual problem here? Is this just some universal shift or do I need a complete life make over? The stress, disappointment, and lack of interest is unreal, but I can never pin point the problem. I can intellectually spill my guts, but emotionally I am numb. I was doing so well finding happiness in new beginnings, doing things for myself. I had 3 month long sabbatical of excitement and joy! All to end up right back here, walking around like Eyyore from Winnie the Pooh.

Life throws me lemons, and I tend to make Lemon Rita’s out of them. I turn the negative energy into positive energy that goes back out into the world, all  sassy and ready to make people smile. I do well for quite sometime. I bury myself in daily life responsibilities and relaxing adventures. Most of the time I move on to a different stage of life. I’m then ready to to take on the world, yet again…

There is something different about this time. The negative energy keeps waging war inside. I feel tired, but restless. I think about changing careers or selling my home. I seclude myself and sleep. It’s like I am on auto-pilot floating through life simply waiting for some path choosing moment. I want to feel alive. I want to smile. I want to be able to meditate and wash this negative energy away!

This isn’t it for me. I have always overcome all obstacles. I have turned pain and sorrow into motivation and strength. If only I can find the auto-pilot button and turn it off. Surely, I can’t be stuck in this mode. May the good vibes, come and sweep me away.

(/)Drugs(/)

Oh, how I hate what you have taken,

Leaving behind the  lifeless.

Strength is forsaken,

For the pain caused seems to be silenced.

 

I want you to stop, now!

You have taken the one’s with bright smiles.

My family and friends are mine, for you I will not endow.

Faith and strength is needed for these trials.

 

It is my mission to do as you have done to the innocent,

For it is you I will ruin!

You have no power, it is in your execution I will be vigilant.

Love will win because it is something you do not pursue in.

-KBJ

 

Dear Single Mom:

It’s okay to love again. Or is it? There is nothing more terrifying than dating as a single mother. Will they be okay with kids? Will my child like them? When should I introduce them? Will he be a good role model? There are so many questions that come to mind it makes you want to wait until your kiddo(s) are 18 years old! Let’s be honest, how many of us can really do that?

“My entire life can be described in one sentence: it didn’t go as planned, and that is okay.” – Rachel Wolchin

*DISCLAIMER* I am not an expert or is this what I call advice. None the less, I wanted to share my outlook…

It’s okay to love again. It is actually essential that you do! You are teaching your child or children how to heal and let things go. I read something the other day that really hit home for me…”Children don’t listen to what you tell them to do, they listen to what you do”.  You are their role model, and yes, maybe one day someone else will share this position with you also. However, for now, while being a single mom, you, ma’am are THE role model. It’s okay for relationships not to work out. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to start over and over and over.  These instances are inevitable in life. It is what we do with them that paints the picture of who we are. Ladies, you are the picture your child will stare at for the rest of their lives. Make it count!

My advice:

Keep it classy, not trashy…

Be honest. Be Strong. Be fierce.

Don’t worry about the questions. Grab your little one tight and share with them what is going on and how you feel. But, you guard their little hearts like a mama bear. You’ll know when the time is right. And remember people come and go just as there is life and death.  Show them what to do about it, gracefully, of course…

Every fairy-tale has disaster before the happy ending, but one of the characters remains the same. This is you,rock star! You are resilient and you have the power to change the world around you, all by your perception. That, my friends, is the greatest lesson you can teach children. Don’t let the bad vibes keep you down.

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” – Oprah Winfrey

Dear Twin Flame,

I am not sure if you are found;

Or the one that is always around.

The truth will be revealed,

But it is by chance that the former will be sealed.

Surety has wandered.

Fate is not that of this earth;

It is in the love of all things true.

My soul is wide awake for you to view.

Just as the sun and moon share the morning sky,

Our peace can be found in the mind’s eye.

-KBJ

 

 

 

I Tame your Fire, as I am, the Fuel.

You grab a hold of all my static and place all my particles perfectly where they are preordained.

The way you budge piques my interest.

You stimulate me in way that evokes emotion. I am not biased.

Just when I feel myself begin to lose control, your touch grounds me.

As a fire burns bright of orange and red embers, I remain cautious as not to give in.

But you still find a way to make me melt.

The Commitment of Trust

You were comfort in a time of despair. So close to a new beginning you even tasted bittersweet. You filled my heart with surety and intent. I can’t say whether it is due to the preexisting damage or the way I perceive things, but In the absence of trust it was all gone. People do things that break our trust. Whether that’s lying or not following through. I am starting to believe it is not intentional, but for me, I consider others before myself; so I can’t quite accept my own theory. My word is golden and in the event something happens and I am unable to follow through I address it before it occurs. However, loosing my mother at a young age and having a father who never meant what he said left me not trusting the WORLD. Let alone another human being. I want to be different; so if I love someone I give them trust, but the second a situation arises that questions it, I feel completely disrespected. I’ve always viewed it as intentional. That someone thinks to themselves before breaking your trust and knowingly puts their commitment to you aside. As I get older and keep reliving the situation , I have come to realize I should be learning, not surrendering. It’s usually not of an intent to hurt another, but a cowardly move on one’s part to protect themselves. In knowing this I don’t feel as disrespected, so I am not longer angry by a lack of commitment for trust. I understand so thoroughly that it hurts. It’s simply a separation of people. Someone doing what they wanted to do. So if we find it offensive it is because we don’t agree. We are simply a different person with different needs. It is up to us to find at this very moment that trust is challenged whether it’s worth fighting for. I am hoping to rise above. In my recent run-in with trust I handle it different than I have in the past. I addressed it head on, I let it hurt, and a made a decision of whether it was worth it.

Dear Karma,

I broke the cycle. I found a different perception of trust and handled it before it became destructive. Can I be set free from this cycle? May you bless me with what I deserve. If I am not yet done learning, please take it easy on me. My heart is fragile these days.

Sincerely,

A woman just trying to figure it all out.

Love me one day, just don’t make it today…

As a present day drifter:  I am somewhat shattered and have taped myself back together by  risky decisions and  aspirations. The trickery of habitual roads has led me astray. My self discovery expedition has become pandemonium. My soul is full and drifting about in the energy of others, as a ship wreck full of diamonds, would slowly scatter about with every crash of ocean’s waves.

-KBJ

The Courtesy of Chaos

It is true that we live in the same situations until rise above them? It’s an internal hell of insanity. The soul yearns to be loved to a degree the fondness is manifested out feeble intentions. It’s something that happens at full tilt. It’s joyous and overly appropriate. A fondness developed by emotion without definition caresses our heartache and fear. It is something so needed that we question it, but take it to our hearts, as if it completes our being. Just as it is accepted, villainous energy tightly grips the humble future of it all….

Lemonade Love

I spent all this time thinking I knew how to love. I wasn’t loving; I was learning. The truest of loves comes and reveals to you all the challenges you’ve ever had with anyone else in the past. But this time it will be value and held in high regard. Something that is unspeakable, and only felt. It tingles and tosses you about a bit. The soul becomes bare and wild. Our needs shift from within to an outwardly craze of well-being for the mind, body, and soul of another. It’s fierce and reassuring, but leaves you trembling at the idea of permanent absence. You must water it to make it grow, don’t let the fear of the future affect today.

Stuck in the Glow

As a firefly on a hot summer night, I am a light and dance in the darkness. My soul is consumed in joy and sharpness. While my mind is blending in with the background. Whether I am illuminating the brilliance of a long lost traveler or patiently walking behind the unrighteous, yet here I remain.

-KBJ

Mr. Unannounced

Well, hello, Mr. Unexpected… Who are you and who sent you to open this door that I have yet to acknowledge? It is the unforeseen circumstances that our energy has danced in unison. The perfect brokenness inside of one another fitting together like puzzles pieces. It is the nervous feeling within that suggests we may cause more destruction than either of us deserve. Maybe if we just stand right here for a while it could be different. There is no need for the practice of love, for now. Your thoughtfulness is sticky and my freedom is determined. You should get to know the side of me that rebels before you go all in.

And I Thought it was me, saving you…

All this time I thought it was me; saving you. Although, I can’t quite figure out the place I am in now, I know there’s something to come of this. It feels like a wildfire ready to burn bright. There’s just not too many ashes for it to ignite. I never realizes how safe you made feel. I was so secure with life before. Now, or feels as if it’s moving steadily around me as I am trying to figure where to stand so that it does my head ahold of me. There is such betrayal in expectations. We are better served in adapting to love instead of expecting it. It’s about what we give, not what we receive. Passion leads us to a routine that feels appropriate and we begin living it. – Without any intention of keeping it. If only I had known the future I was able to see with you. I knew it every time it spoke to me. I would have told you sooner if I had believed you weren’t experiencing the same thing. At this point, I don’t whether to run to or from it. So, don’t leave the decision to me. My choices are irrelevant to the future that’s seeking me.

I was Raised by a Sociopath.

I say this uncomfortably while clamoring in the realization of events that just took place. My life is changing dramatically. Numerology has kept me aware and gave me something exciting to concentrate on. It’s a little slice of fun, as is astrology, and I truly enjoy the energy of these spiritualities. However, it’s new. A 180 degrees from the quite depressing life I was living before my family suddenly ripped to shreds; I assumed it was only appropriate to see a therapist. Ya know, to just make sure I’m still in here somewhere. The outcome was more than I had expected…

Disclaimer: I have never, EVER, met this woman before today. She was an older woman with gray, short hair, wearing men’s Dockers with a pair of glasses that reeked of,”I have a PHD”. I second guessed myself at giving her a hand shake. Why? I tend to freeze up in nervous situations. I sat down and made myself comfortable. She told me her name, I shared mine.

“Are you a gypsy?”, she asked.

“What?!?!”, I blurted out.

She immediately began to explain herself. She thought I looked like a gypsy. When I told her I had Portuguese Heritage she began to tell me the history of how the Portuguese migrated and she just knew that my Father’s Paternal Mother was a gypsy. Mind you, this is my first Therapist appt. I was blown away! I had a Medical professional sitting in front of me confirming my intuition.

I briefly answered her “textbook”, questions as she would type on the computer. I’m not sure if she was analyzing or captivated by me. I explained my relationship with my father and the failure of the family I so recently came home too. She asked me if I had watched any part of the Casey Anthony trail. All I could think to myself was that poor child. My eyes filled with tears in her explanation of what kind of woman she was and how she had no remorse.

As a tear rolled down my cheek, she asked,”Do you know what a Sociopath is?”

I immediately said,”I picture something from CSI or Murder she Wrote!” I am squirming inside wanting her to hurry to explain what she is getting at. All I could think is I’m a Sociopath. Sweet, Jesus, help me. In the two seconds it took me to convince myself I was a Sociopath, my anxiety was interrupted by the sound of her voice.

“Your Father… Your EX… Your child’s Father… They all have something in common… You were raised by a Sociopath. Now, you date them. I believe you are determined to rid the world of them”, she said with such a caring voice.

It was as if she knew how fragile I felt when I heard it. She asked me why I chose to make an appointment with her.

” I want to break cycle of unhealthy relationships that I keep I living each day”, I replied so confidently.

“We will!”, she replied eagerly.

She recommended two books: The Glass Castle and The Sociopath Next Door.

Tomorrow I will be Better.

Just when I think I knew what love was… I wonder how many times I will say that in life. I gave so much of myself to us. I don’t know who I am. I am fearful and in times of fear I seek comfort. You were my comfort. So, now I seek nothing. That is as I feel inside. Nothingness. Life is routine and survival. I learned to love the chaos, the chatter, and annoyance. You tore my walls down and made me bear the truth about myself. Now I am left here standing naked for the world to judge. There was a time you loved me as much as I loved you – That is not something you can fake. If you mistakenly thought this was something you wanted and then later decided it is not, why can’t you leave with peace. Why must you make me suffer? You changed my world. You made me questions myself at who I was and who I wanted to be. But, you can have the decency to remove you’re the pieces of yourself from the home that remains silence. You show yourself to me looking like your falling a part inside. Stand there with your daughter, who I was just responsible for looking out for, once again asking for my help… But you can’t give me closure. Lucky for you, I don’t wish to change the world anymore. I wish to change myself and if you send your wishes then I know it is as hard for you that it is me.

“Pride is the mask of one’s own faults” -Proverb

God I miss ya’ll…

Dear, Beautiful Woman…

When the hurt never ceases,

Do not live in shame.

You are HIS masterpiece,

So rejoice in loves’ flame.

If you get the feeling of guilt,

Do not follow the Trail of Tears.

Pain can be comfortably rebuilt,

Instant aid only enables our fears.

Let your soul be the gladiator!

The internal battle you will win.

Let Karma be the mediator,

You just heal & mend.

KBJ

Edgy Ego’s

Your narcissistic ways,
Crash into me like waves.
Insanity created a maze,
Trapped in a manifesting daze.

You make it hard
I don’t want you to stay.
You make it hard.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
You make it hard.
It will haunt you someday.

A tightness grows inside,
Not in you, but in myself I must confide.
The tears rest on the lashes of my eyes,
Will fame make you feel alive?

You make it hard.
Telling the truth with lies.
You make it hard.
Please don’t open my eyes.
You make it hard .
No need to say goodbye.

How can your infamy save us all?
In seclusion, guilt will stand tall.
Being so high will make it hard to catch us if we fall.
Yesterday, we had it, everything! Do you not recall?

You make it hard.
Don’t go to far!
You make it hard.
We’ve just dealt the cards.
You make it hard.
Who are you behind the guitar?

Embrace the distance,
For I will inevitability fight the resistance.
Glory are your days of temperance?
Leave it to the past for remembrance.

Keep practicing, now you are learning…
While I have your attention let me explain the yearning.
I mean as much as you, this I can say with certainty.
Give it back, my love, I will cherish it for eternity.

You make it hard .
Let yourself be free…
Because I am through with you inside of me.

Crazy Loon

Vyvanse is vain.

We can all still see your pain.

If only you’d wrap that around your brain.

Your memories are making us insane!

Look in the mirror…

You will see fear!

Let me hold you dear;

Give me the wheel to steer.

We all love you so,
Where did you go?

Be yourself, we are the only ones who will know.

Something different from our usual show.

I hope I don’t offend you,

But excuses give me the flu.

Ramble is all that you do!

It’s okay, here, let US move…

Take it all over;

We expect no closure!
That game will make you a loner.

Deal us in on that game of poker.

-KBJ

Deep Horizons

If we lost it all tomorrow,

Would you share in the sorrow?

If a helping hand became needy,

Would you give to it freely?

If it stopped serving it’s purpose,

Would you find it worthless?

If it became routine ,

Would you know the unseen?

If it stressed you out,

Would you start to doubt?

If your thoughts grew regretful

Would intentions become forgetful?

Will you love the same,

If it did not change?

Will you tell the fortune,

If all you could speak is distortion?

Will it be of permanence,

Or is longevity purposeless?

Dancing with Fire

I want so badly for you to understand;

You are the warrior kind of man.

I will always be your fan.

Confide in me, I promise that you can.

It is imperative I tell you my secret.

It’s similar to Cleopatra in Egypt.

It becoming more and more frequent.

I can help that love is my weakness…

You may lack the attention.

But lucky for me I like ambition.

Glad we could both be a part of the transition.

Maybe one day I will be able to listen.

-KBJ