-Worn & Wrinkly

I can feel myself ripping at the seams,

Begging to walk about noticeably, frayed.

The truth is devastating.

I do not want to see, but I long for illusion.

After all, the destination remains the same, but only one comes with a smile.

It maybe temporary bliss, but I remain faithful to hope.

-KBJ

Subconsciously

I am either over flowing with emotions that defeat logic or my thoughts are eagerly bouncing about like a game of ping pong in hope that my indecisiveness may become dormant.

-KBJ

Let it be you!

Why does it feel so wrong to chose myself? I’ve been here too many times to count. A whirl wind romance on the fritz staggering between falling apart or becoming toxic. I’m not a victim. I know my faults, flaws, and wrong doings. I know I continue the vicious cycle, I cringe at the first flare up of an argument because I know it is the beginning of a down hill battle of respect among one another. I know this path better than the route home from work. I run with the idea that different actions will create different reactions. I have been loving, selfish, understanding, distant, and as a last resort committed to therapy! None of them of which have changed the outcome.

I’ve lost myself in the conundrum of , “Can people really change?”.  We are human. We make mistakes. We also learn and grow, is there a rule book somewhere that justifies a fair fight? How many times does someone get to overstep boundaries before the refs calls a personal foul? Or maybe I need to look within for the answers. Is it a matter of low self-esteem and poor choices? Did I accept a mission from the universe to help heal those that have almost given up? This is my life, my choices, and what I allow, but I struggle with leaving. I would say it is 90% because I’m worried they will give up on themselves again and 10% of not wanting to be alone. My solution, space. I ask for space to be upset, clear my head, and recharge. All any man ever seems to hear when I say this is, “I hate you and I am giving up”.  So, not what happens in the movies, right? What happened to sending flower just because she makes you smile?

It is a repetitive pattern. So I can only assume this is between me and Karma, but damn it, when will I get it right? I am an acquaintance with all my ex’s. It makes me sick to my stomach to hear, ” I feel like I don’t deserve you”. I have heard it all too many times, but it brings me to my latest epiphany. Where are the “middle men”. at? The one’s that aren’t perfect or rich, but they want to provide for their family and respect women? I feel like it is a choice of conforming to the lifestyle of a man that is rich to feel as though your are with a provider or dismantle your self-respect to be with someone that give the illusion of being in love with who you really are until it comes to fruition. I’m soul that has to roam free, so there will be no conforming for the sake of a false sense of security. I want so badly to draw the line in sand when it comes to falling in love with illusion, but it tricks me better and better each go around.

My thoughts are jaded and my heart is confused. As I look around at couples, I can’t help, but think it’s an unspoken acceptance of settling. He has the money, she has the looks. Ya know, the cliche type of political relationships you see where one benefits from the other, but the benefit is not that of love. I’m not perfect and I am too rough around the edges to date a man with my career focus. Nor am I willing to sacrifice my hopes and dreams to stay at home with the children. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t contribute just because I want someone available in my small amount of free time. I guess it is silly to think there is something in between, huh? I’m a mom that is married to her career…

” Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will wake up and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore.” -Lady Gaga

The Missing Key

I just have these days: gloomy, doubt-filled, in-complacent, dark, and dirty days that just creep up without warning. It is in these moments I can’t find what it is I need to change. What is the actual problem here? Is this just some universal shift or do I need a complete life make over? The stress, disappointment, and lack of interest is unreal, but I can never pin point the problem. I can intellectually spill my guts, but emotionally I am numb. I was doing so well finding happiness in new beginnings, doing things for myself. I had 3 month long sabbatical of excitement and joy! All to end up right back here, walking around like Eyyore from Winnie the Pooh.

Life throws me lemons, and I tend to make Lemon Rita’s out of them. I turn the negative energy into positive energy that goes back out into the world, all  sassy and ready to make people smile. I do well for quite sometime. I bury myself in daily life responsibilities and relaxing adventures. Most of the time I move on to a different stage of life. I’m then ready to to take on the world, yet again…

There is something different about this time. The negative energy keeps waging war inside. I feel tired, but restless. I think about changing careers or selling my home. I seclude myself and sleep. It’s like I am on auto-pilot floating through life simply waiting for some path choosing moment. I want to feel alive. I want to smile. I want to be able to meditate and wash this negative energy away!

This isn’t it for me. I have always overcome all obstacles. I have turned pain and sorrow into motivation and strength. If only I can find the auto-pilot button and turn it off. Surely, I can’t be stuck in this mode. May the good vibes, come and sweep me away.

Flip Side

It’s a serene place, really. One that feels like home, but you don’t know it until you leave kind of place. It offers the comfort of hygee. It’s a place filled with such open space it feels free to be naked. It’s strange to feel free. Vulnerable;if you consider growing in a place just waiting to be explored? You must be careful not to stay too long. It will make you miss it that much more.

(/)Drugs(/)

Oh, how I hate what you have taken,

Leaving behind the  lifeless.

Strength is forsaken,

For the pain caused seems to be silenced.

 

I want you to stop, now!

You have taken the one’s with bright smiles.

My family and friends are mine, for you I will not endow.

Faith and strength is needed for these trials.

 

It is my mission to do as you have done to the innocent,

For it is you I will ruin!

You have no power, it is in your execution I will be vigilant.

Love will win because it is something you do not pursue in.

-KBJ

 

This or That? – Tag you’re it! :)

Now that my blog has grown a bit, I get to mingle!

Thank you, Superheroes009 (https://superheroes009.wordpress.com) for tagging me in this fun post!

I hope that many people get a chance to check out our fun pages. I’m excited to see how this goes. I think it is a great idea to share some of our quirky sides and interact with one another. Thank you for sharing this awesome opportunity to mingle.

I want to first warn you all that I am high indecisive, so I will apologize for my answers ahead of time. Ha Ha!

Let’s do this, ya’ll! 🙂

Rules

  1. Thank and tag the person that has tagged you
  2. Attach the tag photo
  3. Answers the “This or That” questions
  4. Tag 10 – 20 friends.

Question and Answer

  1. Q: Dog or Cat?
    Dog, man’s best friend, duh! But, I have to settle for a Cat because I am never home. However, can they be potty trained to use the toilet?
  2. Q: Netflix or YouTube?
    Netflix, for sure!
  3. Q: Phone call or text?
    Text messages for this chicka, I  love to write…
  4. Q: Toast or Eggs?
    Eggs, who actually eats toast?
  5. Q: Cardio or Weights?
    Cardio, I heard it burns more calories…
  6. Q: Facebook or Twitter?
    Facebook. I can get more creative.
  7. Q: Ice cream cone or Snow cone?
    OMG! I haven’t had a Snow cone in years. Let’s go get one, Stat!
  8. Q: Mobile Games or Console Games?
    Neither. Not a game fan. :-/
  9. Q: While walking: Music or Podcasts?
    Music, of course. I love me some Journey. ❤
  10. Q: iOS or Android?
    I Phone! IOS, all the way. Just take a bite of the Apple, you know you wanna.
  11. Q: Cake or Pie?
    Pie, under one condition… Must have graham cracker crust. Yum!
  12. Q: Swimming or Sunbathing?
    Both. Can’t have one without the other.
  13. Q: Big Party or small Gathering?
    Small Gathering, less pressure.
  14. Q: New clothes or New Phone?
    New clothes. I’m going shopping. Who’s coming with me?
  15. Q: Rich friend or Loyal friend?
    Loyal friend. “Momma didn’t raise no fool”! I can make my own money, but loyalty is rare these days,
  16. Q: Football or Basketball?
    Who really picks one or the other? That’s why the seasons are at different times, ha ha!
  17. Q: Nice car or Nice Home Interior?
    Nice Home, cars are overrated.
  18. Q: What’s worse: Laundry or Dishes?
    They are both equal in the matter of having to put the clothes or dishes away. Or is there a machine that does that these days?
  19. Q: Jogging or Hiking?
    Heck yeah, I love hiking!
  20. Q: Bath or Shower? Shower
  21. Q: Sneakers or sandals? Sandals, who REALLY needs shoes, at all, though?
  22. Q: Glasses or contacts?
    Contacts, because I buy too many cute pairs of sunglasses.
  23. Q: Hamburger or Taco?
    Is it Taco Tuesday, yet?
  24. Q: Couch or Recliner?
    Recliner, I don’t wanna share. 😛
  25. Q: Online shopping or Shopping in a store?
    Online, saves on gas.
  26. Q: Email or Letter?
    Letter, I love penmanship. ❤
  27. Q: Passenger or Driver?
    Driver, if i know where I am going. Passenger if it’s unfamiliar territory.
  28. Q: Tablet or Computer?
    Computer, something about the click and clack of keys on a key board. 🙂
  29. Q: Intelligent or Funny?
    Funny, I’m a good teacher…
  30. Q: Car or Truck?
    Car, zoom…zoom.
  31. Q: Blue or Red?
    Black…
  32. Q: Money or Free Time?
    Free Time, money can’t buy happiness. Tried it, didn’t work.
  33. Q: Amusement Park or Day at the Beach?
    How about an amusement park on the beach? Now we are talking…
  34. Q: At a movie: Candy or Popcorn?
    Both, let’s not be greedy, now.
  35. Q: Pen or pencil?
    Pen, I hate pencils.
  36. Q: Toilet paper: Over or Under?
    Under, it’s a standard rule! Com’n people. ha ha!
  37. Q: Cups in the cupboard: Right Side Up or Up side down?
    Right side up, they’re already dry…
  38. Q: Pancake or Waffle?
    Chocolate chip waffle toasted with peanut butter. You’re welcome! 🙂
  39. Q: Coke or Pepsi?
    Mountain Dew or Monster, Yuck.
  40. Q: Coffee Cup or Thermos?
    Coffee Cup
  41. Q: Blinds or Curtain?
    Blinds, for sure.
  42. Q: Train or Plane?
    Plane, although I haven’t been on a train.
  43. Q: Phone or Tablet?
    Is this a trick question?
  44. Q: Iced Coffee or Hot Coffee?
    Iced.
  45. Q: Meat or Vegetables?
    I like meals that have both, just saying…
  46. Q: International Vacation or New TV?
    International Vacation, tv is overrated.
  47. Q: Save or Spend?
    Save
  48. Q: Honesty or Other’s Feelings?
    Honesty
  49. Q: Coffee or Tea?
    Tea
  50. Q: TV or Book?
    TV
  51. Q: Movie at Home or Movie at the Theater?
    Theater unless you want me asleep on the couch. ZzZzZ
  52. Q: Ocean or Mountains?
    Ocean, the waves are hypnotic!
  53. Q: Horror Movie or Comedy Movie?
    Comedy, I’m afraidy cat.
  54. Q: City or Countryside?
    Countryside
  55. Q: Winter or Summer? Summer
  56. Q: Mac or PC? PC
  57. Q: Console Gaming or PC Gaming?
    Console
  58. Q: Soup or Sandwich?
    Sandwich, bring me the meat!
  59. Q: Card Game or Board Game?
    Card game, ugh! I miss Spades.
  60. Q: Camping or Binge Watching Shows at Home?
    Camping
  61. Q: Working Alone or Working in a Team?
    Alone
  62. Q: Dine In or Delivery?
    Delivery
  63. Q: Sweater or Hoodie?
    Hoodies, make my life!
  64. Q: Motorcycle or Bicycle?
    Motorcycle
  65. Q: Book or eBook?
    Book, in hand….
  66. Q: When sleeping: Fan or No fan?
    Fan, ceiling only!
  67. Q: TV Shows or Movies?
    TV shows. My adhd won’t let me watch a movie. lol

I tagged the following people to participate in this fun-filled adventure with the rest of us. If you are not one that likes the Blogger Awards or The This or That participation, my apologies. I want you to know that I only nominate you because I find your page intriguing and you have supported me among my journey. So, know that I only nominate you out of support for your amazing talents. If you wish not to participate, I understand, but please be flattered, because your talent should be celebrated! 🙂

ArtsyChic Creations

The Colour of Madness

Silver Screenings

Byungafallgren

Dave Gardner

3sistersabroad

The Controversial Indian

Paul Rados

Scott OConnor

Valentine’s Fall

I’m excited to see all your answers and get to know you better!

Stay trippy, hippies! ❤