Love me one day, just don’t make it today…

As a present day drifter:  I am somewhat shattered and have taped myself back together by  risky decisions and  aspirations. The trickery of habitual roads has led me astray. My self discovery expedition has become pandemonium. My soul is full and drifting about in the energy of others, as a ship wreck full of diamonds, would slowly scatter about with every crash of ocean’s waves.

-KBJ

Tomorrow I will be Better.

Just when I think I knew what love was… I wonder how many times I will say that in life. I gave so much of myself to us. I don’t know who I am. I am fearful and in times of fear I seek comfort. You were my comfort. So, now I seek nothing. That is as I feel inside. Nothingness. Life is routine and survival. I learned to love the chaos, the chatter, and annoyance. You tore my walls down and made me bear the truth about myself. Now I am left here standing naked for the world to judge. There was a time you loved me as much as I loved you – That is not something you can fake. If you mistakenly thought this was something you wanted and then later decided it is not, why can’t you leave with peace. Why must you make me suffer? You changed my world. You made me questions myself at who I was and who I wanted to be. But, you can have the decency to remove you’re the pieces of yourself from the home that remains silence. You show yourself to me looking like your falling a part inside. Stand there with your daughter, who I was just responsible for looking out for, once again asking for my help… But you can’t give me closure. Lucky for you, I don’t wish to change the world anymore. I wish to change myself and if you send your wishes then I know it is as hard for you that it is me.

“Pride is the mask of one’s own faults” -Proverb

God I miss ya’ll…

Emerald Buddha

The wavy, brown-eyed little girl knew at the age of two that Mommy was not coming back. Tears rolled down her face, as she looked out of the window at the fire fighters lined up next to one another; using all their might to push the crumpled car over. Every Security vanished as I peered at my father kneeling on the ground hopeless and scared. The sound of glass scraping against the metal surface is still just as gut-wrenching as it was that day. She lay there so peacefully, but in that moment, I grew numb. All that I had learned enjoyed, and desired to be was gone, and so was my Mother, Joy.

I hated when someone said, “Aww, you poor thing. Remember, she is up there looking down you, smiling, so proud of the beautiful, person you have are. Good Lord, help me find it to force a smile and say, “it does not bother me”. Who were they to assume where she was or how she felt? You do not know her or me, but thank you, I would ramble to myself. In times of sorrow, I bathed in the self-pity, cried out to God to show me a sign she was here with me. So, as every ballsy, teen decides to do, I made it meaningful. This empty, black void was filled with a tattoo of the Celtic Trinity knot above my Mother’s name below, Joy Elaine, written in my grandmother’s handwriting. After all, we were all three connected, right? I still yearned to close my eyes and see her there, hear her talk, or any a mental memory of her existence.

The symbolism of the trinity is necessary in the journey it took to find my Mother. To some it represents the bond between grandmother, mother, and child; others believe it represents God, son, and Holy Spirit. When you see a cross, what is the first idea that comes to mind?, Jesus, or maybe crucifixion? The cross represents the idea that God’s son died for our sins. Jesus, a normal man, walked earth sharing the Holy Spirit. God created humanity with the Holy Spirit within. Society has corrupted this spirit with its methods of survival in Western society. It is dormant inside many of us, but when awoken has the power of change is possible. I have found God in Astrology Buddhism, Christianity, Numerology, and Mythology. A controversial statement to some, but I found God in all studied religion because the Holy Spirit is within. A divine connection supports the purpose for humankind.

The 12-hour workdays, coupled with raising a two-year old, created stress I could not manage; I turned to meditation. The rhythmic breathing cleared my conscious of stress. Presented with a chance to travel through a dimensional universe, I was welcomed by a 12 dimensional-four pointed, star. I was safe and secure in my sub-conscious as an image of green crystal-like pebble was presented. The image imprinted a strong feeling of importance, a completion I could not recognize. Bam! Pitter-patter, pitter-patter, and more pitter-patter everyone was home and silence was gone. Days were spent obsessing over what this object represented. Stress had won, I found myself in tears, calling my boss to take a two-day hiatus to clear my mind. After endless searching for rocks, crystals, and gems, I still had not confirmed what this image was. In a moment of hopelessness, I almost threw my spiritual journey away and everyone else with it.

My boyfriend and I stumbled upon having a rare, divine connection through astrology. Google results of any spirituality confirmed the ideal. Daily interactions with others, objects, and raw nature confirmed our purpose. However, the stress of my career would bring me back to a clouded view of what my inner purpose was. A moment of disarray, longed for more confirmation of my spiritual purpose. My boyfriend was essentially addicted to googling and knowledge about spirituality. He shared with me specific dates that this so-called spiritual inter-connection occurred. The family vacation, pictures taken Oct.10, 2016 – exactly one day before my birthday, it was perfectly, depicted in past pictures of a street sign, reading Follow Your Dreams. Rd. Coincidences of emerald appeared like fleas on a dog. Emerald is Mother’s birthstone. This moment was comparable to the unity that takes place when connecting the final and 3rd line of a triangle. I was complete and it felt Holy!

I could bore you with the symbolism of an Emerald, to confirm my awakening, but it is something you must experience. Only you can awaken your soul and heal the damages of society. Peace is the greatest gift of God. It is an apparition seen through meditation, it is the nourishment of natural food to the human body, and it the comfort felt from the touch of a soulmate’s hand. You MUST learn to love yourself. Everyone on Earth has the ability to find inner peace. Let the Supreme Being reign, in our negatively, tainted society so that we can create a little slice of heaven. Open your, “eye”; you will see the word really is inside flesh, longing to awake. Reality is premeditated by society, but your soul is Supreme. WAKE UP!

Photo credit:

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/v0uc545BpOgC7zrT3QE7f-AcV-ZzzW2DrB5J0MSj-5G7ZORPb9098bpg96sXNp21x60uag=s129