I can feel myself ripping at the seams,
Begging to walk about noticeably, frayed.
The truth is devastating.
I do not want to see, but I long for illusion.
After all, the destination remains the same, but only one comes with a smile.
It maybe temporary bliss, but I remain faithful to hope.
I just have these days: gloomy, doubt-filled, in-complacent, dark, and dirty days that just creep up without warning. It is in these moments I can’t find what it is I need to change. What is the actual problem here? Is this just some universal shift or do I need a complete life make over? The stress, disappointment, and lack of interest is unreal, but I can never pin point the problem. I can intellectually spill my guts, but emotionally I am numb. I was doing so well finding happiness in new beginnings, doing things for myself. I had 3 month long sabbatical of excitement and joy! All to end up right back here, walking around like Eyyore from Winnie the Pooh.
Life throws me lemons, and I tend to make Lemon Rita’s out of them. I turn the negative energy into positive energy that goes back out into the world, all sassy and ready to make people smile. I do well for quite sometime. I bury myself in daily life responsibilities and relaxing adventures. Most of the time I move on to a different stage of life. I’m then ready to to take on the world, yet again…
There is something different about this time. The negative energy keeps waging war inside. I feel tired, but restless. I think about changing careers or selling my home. I seclude myself and sleep. It’s like I am on auto-pilot floating through life simply waiting for some path choosing moment. I want to feel alive. I want to smile. I want to be able to meditate and wash this negative energy away!
This isn’t it for me. I have always overcome all obstacles. I have turned pain and sorrow into motivation and strength. If only I can find the auto-pilot button and turn it off. Surely, I can’t be stuck in this mode. May the good vibes, come and sweep me away.
I am not sure if you are found;
Or the one that is always around.
The truth will be revealed,
But it is by chance that the former will be sealed.
Surety has wandered.
Fate is not that of this earth;
It is in the love of all things true.
My soul is wide awake for you to view.
Just as the sun and moon share the morning sky,
Our peace can be found in the mind’s eye.
As a present day drifter: I am somewhat shattered and have taped myself back together by risky decisions and aspirations. The trickery of habitual roads has led me astray. My self discovery expedition has become pandemonium. My soul is full and drifting about in the energy of others, as a ship wreck full of diamonds, would slowly scatter about with every crash of ocean’s waves.
Well, hello, Mr. Unexpected… Who are you and who sent you to open this door that I have yet to acknowledge? It is the unforeseen circumstances that our energy has danced in unison. The perfect brokenness inside of one another fitting together like puzzles pieces. It is the nervous feeling within that suggests we may cause more destruction than either of us deserve. Maybe if we just stand right here for a while it could be different. There is no need for the practice of love, for now. Your thoughtfulness is sticky and my freedom is determined. You should get to know the side of me that rebels before you go all in.
Just when I think I knew what love was… I wonder how many times I will say that in life. I gave so much of myself to us. I don’t know who I am. I am fearful and in times of fear I seek comfort. You were my comfort. So, now I seek nothing. That is as I feel inside. Nothingness. Life is routine and survival. I learned to love the chaos, the chatter, and annoyance. You tore my walls down and made me bear the truth about myself. Now I am left here standing naked for the world to judge. There was a time you loved me as much as I loved you – That is not something you can fake. If you mistakenly thought this was something you wanted and then later decided it is not, why can’t you leave with peace. Why must you make me suffer? You changed my world. You made me questions myself at who I was and who I wanted to be. But, you can have the decency to remove you’re the pieces of yourself from the home that remains silence. You show yourself to me looking like your falling a part inside. Stand there with your daughter, who I was just responsible for looking out for, once again asking for my help… But you can’t give me closure. Lucky for you, I don’t wish to change the world anymore. I wish to change myself and if you send your wishes then I know it is as hard for you that it is me.
“Pride is the mask of one’s own faults” -Proverb
God I miss ya’ll…
No longer does it fit perfectly in place. The charismatic passion is gone. It feels itchy now – uncomfortably seeping into every faucet of life. The perfect fit of a glove became the sock falling of my heel in my shoe. Irritating is how I would describe it. It was so exhilarating before. Life was colorful, full of adventures and exploration. Now, I know what a breath of fresh air smells like. The constant occurrence of utter nirvana seized without warning. Discontent reached it’s ugly hand inside me and stirred up my soul up with jagged nails. There is no need to explain what happened next. Denial is self-explanatory. Is it possible to overcome loss without explanation? Does the explanation really give any closure? Countless hours and thoughts wasted trying to figure out what happened. Life shifted and I pushed back, but that did not take away the resentment. I thought to myself before writing this, that it was you; not me. I was wrong. It was not you and it was not me either. It was the beautiful illusion of happiness we so gracefully created that had faded. We did it again. Only this time is was different. I am left empty, searching for myself in your life because it suffocates me. It’s a cloudy, dingy world you live in. Don’t ruin my soul before you give it back. It feels nice, doesn’t it? A soul full of love and compassion in a world of chaos would be divinely fulfilling. So, in a sick fucked up way, I get why you would take it without asking. Desperation is a bitch, isn’t it? Let me know when you’re done playing.