The struggle isn’t real…

We’ve all heard it – “The struggle is real!” I call bullshit (for lack of a better term). We do it to ourselves. We put up with the stress and unhappiness. For what? Do we really believe that we will wake up one day and suddenly be in live with a job we have hated for years? Will our spouse suddenly want to be someone they haven’t been for the last several years? Will our bank accounts suddenly fill with money as we sit on our couch watching tv? NO! NO! NO! We know to be wealthy it takes getting off the couch. We know that our spouse will NOT wake up tomorrow wanting to be someone else. The job? Well, the likely hood of that changing, is NEVER! But we sit and wait thinking about how it could it be different or how what we have will magically become it. If perception is reality then why does the yearning for something other than what we have exist? We would rather try to perceive that our life is this dream we have always wanted and be disappointed that it is not, than to find the reality we seek. Maybe, it’s the separation of you from me, that makes it confusing. One day the job, the spouse, the money it all becomes possible when you perceive yourself having it. So the struggle is not real it’s continual false reality of habitual patterns. Peace, relaxation, love is REAL.

Soulmate, aka, Warrior

I had always imagined love to be some sort of fairy tale. Ya know, one of those best friend relationship kind of vibes? It was today, I found out the truth:

  1. Love will leave you naked- with that comes embarrassment, self-pity, & high expectations…
  2. Your scars are revealed and relived – Those deep dark pits of despair and loneliness… Prepare to reopen and explore.
  3. Fear will be in overdrive – It will feel like a shelter, a parent disappointed in you, but willing to hug you when tears begin to fall.

I had imagined no disagreements. Only waking up every morning to someone ready to explore their day just as I had planned. Love is more than companionship, it is commitment. I never wanted to commit, I only wanted to be a companion. However, I have found my Soul Mate, and I realize I do NOT want to be with someone like me, I want to be challenged, loved, pushed, & praised. I need adventure and growth. I deserve to be loved and valued. My gracious God, thank you for being stronger than I in times of weakness, you are my faith, you are my rock. And to you, my warrior, you are my home.

I love you,

Your completely crazy, hippie, fierce, lover.

-KBJ

Fake Fairy Tales

Every little girl has her favorite Disney Princess; Her own imaginable love story. There’s an automatic expectation that girls should be rescued and protected by a knight in shining armor. Or that her love will be so great it will transform a beast into an honest man… Don’t get me wrong the whole’ “love story” thing is blissful, but it’s nothing like what Disney introduced. It may have not been realistic, but tall tales gave love hope.

And all lived happily ever after… We’ve all heard that a few times, it it’s not that simple. It requires work. A specific choice to put energy into something even when you don’t want to. It’s loving every inch of yourself, so that you can unconditionally love another. I am confident in the end that, Yes, you do end up, “happily ever after”, but I believe the magical story is in the journey of growing together.

True love will strip you naked of everything you thought you knew of it. You will feel like a vulnerable fool with no way of escaping a constant look in the mirror. Both of you forces to overcome fears and flaws, but in the arms of peace. Just as children are God’s way of loving us as we grow, true love is just as patient.

“Love is a journey without a map…” -unknown

I Don’t Blame, ya!

It may have taken me a nervous breakdown and an sobering amount of self-pity, but I figured it out without explanation. Instead of destroying it; you wanted to preserve the link. It was impossible for me to heed, coming from a series of conditional relationships. I’m not sure if it was the anxiety or pride that made it difficult to interpret the language you spoke, but it was in my grace that it was not ignored. Although, I think it would have been one of those too good to be true situations:  Neither of  us were comfortable with unconditional love. I knew how to give, but not receive and you… the opposite. We were counterparts, never noticing that together we we became whole; a metamorphic life lesson neither of us were yet deserving of. It was not in my journey of unity with the universe, but in my exploration of self  that I found conviction.

-KBJ

Heaven

I imagine it to be an all over consciousness of unyielding love. Something that is comparable to lying in the clouds surrounded by ripples of comfort; drifting about in utter Peace. It is a jubilation that has no metric of time to prepare or reminisce. It is surely a place of belonging, security, certainty… complete acceptance and devotion.

– Looking Back –

“A part of you respected me, while the other questioned whether I love you. Trust in your heart for it will remain obliged”

-KBJ

Do you really know God?

“God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.”

John 4:24 ESV

God is spirit, but who is spirit? Or what is spirit?

As defined by, Oxford Dictionary:

[ Spirit: Noun; the nonphysical part of a person that is the seat of emotions and          character; the soul.  Synonyms: Psyche, (Inner) self, Inner being, Mind, ego; “We seek a harmony between body and spirit”]

Thus making, [God] a state of mind, an inner being. Therefore, we are to devote within ourselves and reality.

God is unity of the mind and reality – consciousness. Oxford Dictionary supports this idea with defining consciousness as, “the fact of awareness by the mind of itself and the world”.

God is being aware. God is life, living, further more creation! The soul yearns to be loved and who embraced the energy leads to creation.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

Genesis 1:1 ESV

If you’re still following me, this scripture is quite simple to elaborate upon. Try reading the Bible replacing God, with Love, using it as a noun.

Love, created the heavens and the earth!

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 John 4:8 ESV

The, “word became flesh”, Jesus was living proof the truth was in perception.

[See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure.]

1 John 3:1-24 ESV 

He was beyond those he influenced. Jesus shared the pathway to peace with those around him. Thus, enlightening the common people to a personal stairway to heaven. Whether we describe heaven as a dimension, a place in the clouds, or a state of being the end result is all the same. If one can master the art of self-love and find the place between soul and reality, you will reach the highest level of awareness, the supreme realm of peace, a heaven within. You’re reality will no longer effect you. If you are blind, you will now be able to see.

-KBJ

Subconsciously

I am either over flowing with emotions that defeat logic or my thoughts are eagerly bouncing about like a game of ping pong in hope that my indecisiveness may become dormant.

-KBJ

Authentically, Rule the Occassion.

Solitude waits patiently lurking between the conscious and subconscious. The unfamiliar territory is home to a duplicate of me. She is wild, fearless, and leads with her heart. We share the same mirror, but our reflections are differing. I can no longer ignore the roar and she is on the prowl. It is from her perspective that I will thrive.

-KBJ

🌜Love thyself to the Moon and Back🌜

You are that of a divine creation,

Do NOT live within the dictation.

They have created a dependent civilization;

This way of life disturbs the essential vibration.

Emotions are tossed and turned in the gravitation,

For we yearn for the shifts of  lunation.

Throughout the majestic rotation,

Societal life fills the soul with vexation.

Awaken  thyself to our true formation.

It is a journey of love, not that of humation.

Explore yourself through mediation,

It is in the subconscious you may enjoy a bit of liberation.

-KBJ

Flip Side

It’s a serene place, really. One that feels like home, but you don’t know it until you leave kind of place. It offers the comfort of hygee. It’s a place filled with such open space it feels free to be naked. It’s strange to feel free. Vulnerable;if you consider growing in a place just waiting to be explored? You must be careful not to stay too long. It will make you miss it that much more.

Dear Twin Flame,

I am not sure if you are found;

Or the one that is always around.

The truth will be revealed,

But it is by chance that the former will be sealed.

Surety has wandered.

Fate is not that of this earth;

It is in the love of all things true.

My soul is wide awake for you to view.

Just as the sun and moon share the morning sky,

Our peace can be found in the mind’s eye.

-KBJ

 

 

 

Stuck in the Glow

As a firefly on a hot summer night, I am a light and dance in the darkness. My soul is consumed in joy and sharpness. While my mind is blending in with the background. Whether I am illuminating the brilliance of a long lost traveler or patiently walking behind the unrighteous, yet here I remain.

-KBJ

And I Thought it was me, saving you…

All this time I thought it was me; saving you. Although, I can’t quite figure out the place I am in now, I know there’s something to come of this. It feels like a wildfire ready to burn bright. There’s just not too many ashes for it to ignite. I never realizes how safe you made feel. I was so secure with life before. Now, or feels as if it’s moving steadily around me as I am trying to figure where to stand so that it does my head ahold of me. There is such betrayal in expectations. We are better served in adapting to love instead of expecting it. It’s about what we give, not what we receive. Passion leads us to a routine that feels appropriate and we begin living it. – Without any intention of keeping it. If only I had known the future I was able to see with you. I knew it every time it spoke to me. I would have told you sooner if I had believed you weren’t experiencing the same thing. At this point, I don’t whether to run to or from it. So, don’t leave the decision to me. My choices are irrelevant to the future that’s seeking me.

I was Raised by a Sociopath.

I say this uncomfortably while clamoring in the realization of events that just took place. My life is changing dramatically. Numerology has kept me aware and gave me something exciting to concentrate on. It’s a little slice of fun, as is astrology, and I truly enjoy the energy of these spiritualities. However, it’s new. A 180 degrees from the quite depressing life I was living before my family suddenly ripped to shreds; I assumed it was only appropriate to see a therapist. Ya know, to just make sure I’m still in here somewhere. The outcome was more than I had expected…

Disclaimer: I have never, EVER, met this woman before today. She was an older woman with gray, short hair, wearing men’s Dockers with a pair of glasses that reeked of,”I have a PHD”. I second guessed myself at giving her a hand shake. Why? I tend to freeze up in nervous situations. I sat down and made myself comfortable. She told me her name, I shared mine.

“Are you a gypsy?”, she asked.

“What?!?!”, I blurted out.

She immediately began to explain herself. She thought I looked like a gypsy. When I told her I had Portuguese Heritage she began to tell me the history of how the Portuguese migrated and she just knew that my Father’s Paternal Mother was a gypsy. Mind you, this is my first Therapist appt. I was blown away! I had a Medical professional sitting in front of me confirming my intuition.

I briefly answered her “textbook”, questions as she would type on the computer. I’m not sure if she was analyzing or captivated by me. I explained my relationship with my father and the failure of the family I so recently came home too. She asked me if I had watched any part of the Casey Anthony trail. All I could think to myself was that poor child. My eyes filled with tears in her explanation of what kind of woman she was and how she had no remorse.

As a tear rolled down my cheek, she asked,”Do you know what a Sociopath is?”

I immediately said,”I picture something from CSI or Murder she Wrote!” I am squirming inside wanting her to hurry to explain what she is getting at. All I could think is I’m a Sociopath. Sweet, Jesus, help me. In the two seconds it took me to convince myself I was a Sociopath, my anxiety was interrupted by the sound of her voice.

“Your Father… Your EX… Your child’s Father… They all have something in common… You were raised by a Sociopath. Now, you date them. I believe you are determined to rid the world of them”, she said with such a caring voice.

It was as if she knew how fragile I felt when I heard it. She asked me why I chose to make an appointment with her.

” I want to break cycle of unhealthy relationships that I keep I living each day”, I replied so confidently.

“We will!”, she replied eagerly.

She recommended two books: The Glass Castle and The Sociopath Next Door.

Dear Silence,

 

Apollo was considered the God of sun, music, light, & Prophecy…

I will learn how to enjoy you,

I will figure out what your about,

I used to long for the quiet, just a moment to check my mood.

Though, I didn’t want to go this route…

 

I always knew you could.

So I will learn to find my self in this empty space.

Hey, ya know… It’s all good.

It’s certainly time for me to save some face.

 

Let the tick of the clock keep me focused,

For I can then find myself in the hollow.

God, we will miss those really good moments,

But catch you on the slip side; or at the temple of Apollo.

Photo Credit:https://www.wikiart.org/en/giovanni-battista-tiepolo/apollo-and-diana-1757

 

-KBJ

Tomorrow I will be Better.

Just when I think I knew what love was… I wonder how many times I will say that in life. I gave so much of myself to us. I don’t know who I am. I am fearful and in times of fear I seek comfort. You were my comfort. So, now I seek nothing. That is as I feel inside. Nothingness. Life is routine and survival. I learned to love the chaos, the chatter, and annoyance. You tore my walls down and made me bear the truth about myself. Now I am left here standing naked for the world to judge. There was a time you loved me as much as I loved you – That is not something you can fake. If you mistakenly thought this was something you wanted and then later decided it is not, why can’t you leave with peace. Why must you make me suffer? You changed my world. You made me questions myself at who I was and who I wanted to be. But, you can have the decency to remove you’re the pieces of yourself from the home that remains silence. You show yourself to me looking like your falling a part inside. Stand there with your daughter, who I was just responsible for looking out for, once again asking for my help… But you can’t give me closure. Lucky for you, I don’t wish to change the world anymore. I wish to change myself and if you send your wishes then I know it is as hard for you that it is me.

“Pride is the mask of one’s own faults” -Proverb

God I miss ya’ll…

Emerald Buddha

The wavy, brown-eyed little girl knew at the age of two that Mommy was not coming back. Tears rolled down her face, as she looked out of the window at the fire fighters lined up next to one another; using all their might to push the crumpled car over. Every Security vanished as I peered at my father kneeling on the ground hopeless and scared. The sound of glass scraping against the metal surface is still just as gut-wrenching as it was that day. She lay there so peacefully, but in that moment, I grew numb. All that I had learned enjoyed, and desired to be was gone, and so was my Mother, Joy.

I hated when someone said, “Aww, you poor thing. Remember, she is up there looking down you, smiling, so proud of the beautiful, person you have are. Good Lord, help me find it to force a smile and say, “it does not bother me”. Who were they to assume where she was or how she felt? You do not know her or me, but thank you, I would ramble to myself. In times of sorrow, I bathed in the self-pity, cried out to God to show me a sign she was here with me. So, as every ballsy, teen decides to do, I made it meaningful. This empty, black void was filled with a tattoo of the Celtic Trinity knot above my Mother’s name below, Joy Elaine, written in my grandmother’s handwriting. After all, we were all three connected, right? I still yearned to close my eyes and see her there, hear her talk, or any a mental memory of her existence.

The symbolism of the trinity is necessary in the journey it took to find my Mother. To some it represents the bond between grandmother, mother, and child; others believe it represents God, son, and Holy Spirit. When you see a cross, what is the first idea that comes to mind?, Jesus, or maybe crucifixion? The cross represents the idea that God’s son died for our sins. Jesus, a normal man, walked earth sharing the Holy Spirit. God created humanity with the Holy Spirit within. Society has corrupted this spirit with its methods of survival in Western society. It is dormant inside many of us, but when awoken has the power of change is possible. I have found God in Astrology Buddhism, Christianity, Numerology, and Mythology. A controversial statement to some, but I found God in all studied religion because the Holy Spirit is within. A divine connection supports the purpose for humankind.

The 12-hour workdays, coupled with raising a two-year old, created stress I could not manage; I turned to meditation. The rhythmic breathing cleared my conscious of stress. Presented with a chance to travel through a dimensional universe, I was welcomed by a 12 dimensional-four pointed, star. I was safe and secure in my sub-conscious as an image of green crystal-like pebble was presented. The image imprinted a strong feeling of importance, a completion I could not recognize. Bam! Pitter-patter, pitter-patter, and more pitter-patter everyone was home and silence was gone. Days were spent obsessing over what this object represented. Stress had won, I found myself in tears, calling my boss to take a two-day hiatus to clear my mind. After endless searching for rocks, crystals, and gems, I still had not confirmed what this image was. In a moment of hopelessness, I almost threw my spiritual journey away and everyone else with it.

My boyfriend and I stumbled upon having a rare, divine connection through astrology. Google results of any spirituality confirmed the ideal. Daily interactions with others, objects, and raw nature confirmed our purpose. However, the stress of my career would bring me back to a clouded view of what my inner purpose was. A moment of disarray, longed for more confirmation of my spiritual purpose. My boyfriend was essentially addicted to googling and knowledge about spirituality. He shared with me specific dates that this so-called spiritual inter-connection occurred. The family vacation, pictures taken Oct.10, 2016 – exactly one day before my birthday, it was perfectly, depicted in past pictures of a street sign, reading Follow Your Dreams. Rd. Coincidences of emerald appeared like fleas on a dog. Emerald is Mother’s birthstone. This moment was comparable to the unity that takes place when connecting the final and 3rd line of a triangle. I was complete and it felt Holy!

I could bore you with the symbolism of an Emerald, to confirm my awakening, but it is something you must experience. Only you can awaken your soul and heal the damages of society. Peace is the greatest gift of God. It is an apparition seen through meditation, it is the nourishment of natural food to the human body, and it the comfort felt from the touch of a soulmate’s hand. You MUST learn to love yourself. Everyone on Earth has the ability to find inner peace. Let the Supreme Being reign, in our negatively, tainted society so that we can create a little slice of heaven. Open your, “eye”; you will see the word really is inside flesh, longing to awake. Reality is premeditated by society, but your soul is Supreme. WAKE UP!

Photo credit:

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/v0uc545BpOgC7zrT3QE7f-AcV-ZzzW2DrB5J0MSj-5G7ZORPb9098bpg96sXNp21x60uag=s129

🎼 Vibe A Little

 

“Slowly take in what’s around you. Feel the vibration strum the cords of emotion within. Enjoy yourself, soak in the love.”

-KBJ