Subconsciously

I am either over flowing with emotions that defeat logic or my thoughts are eagerly bouncing about like a game of ping pong in hope that my indecisiveness may become dormant.

-KBJ

The Missing Key

I just have these days: gloomy, doubt-filled, in-complacent, dark, and dirty days that just creep up without warning. It is in these moments I can’t find what it is I need to change. What is the actual problem here? Is this just some universal shift or do I need a complete life make over? The stress, disappointment, and lack of interest is unreal, but I can never pin point the problem. I can intellectually spill my guts, but emotionally I am numb. I was doing so well finding happiness in new beginnings, doing things for myself. I had 3 month long sabbatical of excitement and joy! All to end up right back here, walking around like Eyyore from Winnie the Pooh.

Life throws me lemons, and I tend to make Lemon Rita’s out of them. I turn the negative energy into positive energy that goes back out into the world, all  sassy and ready to make people smile. I do well for quite sometime. I bury myself in daily life responsibilities and relaxing adventures. Most of the time I move on to a different stage of life. I’m then ready to to take on the world, yet again…

There is something different about this time. The negative energy keeps waging war inside. I feel tired, but restless. I think about changing careers or selling my home. I seclude myself and sleep. It’s like I am on auto-pilot floating through life simply waiting for some path choosing moment. I want to feel alive. I want to smile. I want to be able to meditate and wash this negative energy away!

This isn’t it for me. I have always overcome all obstacles. I have turned pain and sorrow into motivation and strength. If only I can find the auto-pilot button and turn it off. Surely, I can’t be stuck in this mode. May the good vibes, come and sweep me away.

Dear Single Mom:

It’s okay to love again. Or is it? There is nothing more terrifying than dating as a single mother. Will they be okay with kids? Will my child like them? When should I introduce them? Will he be a good role model? There are so many questions that come to mind it makes you want to wait until your kiddo(s) are 18 years old! Let’s be honest, how many of us can really do that?

“My entire life can be described in one sentence: it didn’t go as planned, and that is okay.” – Rachel Wolchin

*DISCLAIMER* I am not an expert or is this what I call advice. None the less, I wanted to share my outlook…

It’s okay to love again. It is actually essential that you do! You are teaching your child or children how to heal and let things go. I read something the other day that really hit home for me…”Children don’t listen to what you tell them to do, they listen to what you do”.  You are their role model, and yes, maybe one day someone else will share this position with you also. However, for now, while being a single mom, you, ma’am are THE role model. It’s okay for relationships not to work out. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to start over and over and over.  These instances are inevitable in life. It is what we do with them that paints the picture of who we are. Ladies, you are the picture your child will stare at for the rest of their lives. Make it count!

My advice:

Keep it classy, not trashy…

Be honest. Be Strong. Be fierce.

Don’t worry about the questions. Grab your little one tight and share with them what is going on and how you feel. But, you guard their little hearts like a mama bear. You’ll know when the time is right. And remember people come and go just as there is life and death.  Show them what to do about it, gracefully, of course…

Every fairy-tale has disaster before the happy ending, but one of the characters remains the same. This is you,rock star! You are resilient and you have the power to change the world around you, all by your perception. That, my friends, is the greatest lesson you can teach children. Don’t let the bad vibes keep you down.

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” – Oprah Winfrey

#GoalDigger

Someone very dear to me once asked me, “Why don’t you invest in yourself?”. The question left me speechless for a moment. The silence was quickly covered by a million different excuses and reasons as to why I was to busy to do what I really enjoyed. That then led me to another question… What do I enjoy?

I had been told by several teachers and colleagues that I should invest in my writing skills. I always shrugged it off thinking, I hate to write! The truth was I was just not comfortable with who I was and I didn’t like to be restricted. . In other words, I needed wide open space to find myself.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage” – Lao Tzu

It is by love that I was shown how to love myself. As you cannot love another until you can love yourself. I started blogging on whim to try to reconnect with myself. I set small goals and I have met each of them. I found that my thoughts and feelings are shared by many. There have been several of you to offer advice or share your experience. I want to take the time to thank each and every one of you for being such an important piece in my spiritual growth.

It is with your support and interest in my blog that I have kept persevering. I can remember sitting alone in my kitchen with my laptop, unable to see through the despair of my life being in shambles. So, I wrote about it. Suddenly, my blog took off. I had more and more followers join. I broke previous records of the most likes. I finally had comments rolling in left and right. I reached many of my small goals and thanked everyone for their support. Never the less, what I should have said is thank you for being there, alone with me and my laptop. You helped me grow, or maybe stay sane, (ha, ha!) through the darkest of times. On the flip side, we have also laughed in the brightest moments. I hope that what I share can help at least one of your through your darkest time. I am here… you are here… we are here to love.

“The best way to find yourself is in the service of others.” – Mahamta Gandhi

Much love to you all! Stay trippy, hippies! xoxo

-KBJ