A Goodbye Letter…

I am  taken back by the fact I have to write to you about how I feel. That I am depending upon such a small amount of luck that you even read this. It was like yesterday, that we talked about every second of the day with one another. Maybe a closeness that is more than there should ever really be. I enjoyed it. You made me smile. You made me feel beautiful! You had this way of making me understand I was enough for myself to fight for. You came in like a hurricane, blowing over any idea I had about love or relationships. It left me feeling like I had to build upon a foundation that I had no idea was there. I was thankful to have a companion that enjoyed so much that I did! You fell in love with me and it inspired you to live life to the fullest. It scared the shit out of me, but my love for you made me do it. You always hated I hesitated, but it was just my way of trying to hold my ground because you were so raw with emotion it was intimidating. I wanted you more than I ever could have imagined wanting someone. You were perfection! Thank you for loving me when I was lost. I wouldn’t have made it without you. I want to keep saying it’s been such a long time since I’ve felt this way, but truth is… I have NEVER felt this way. I am proud of myself for being so open, comfortable, and giving you my all that I had forgotten how badly it would hurt when it all came to an end. I guess for the first time I had never thought of an end. That’s the heartbreaking part. I had unwillingly out of pure joy and love made up my mind that if I had to live my life exactly how it was… Well, the idea of us all growing together made me smile. It all seemed to fit, I was so blown away by the beauty of it all. I’ve skilled myself at ending relationships with another person, but I had no preparation or planning to end a family. I wanted to be there to hug the girls and tell them I will ALWAYS be one call away if life was ever gets to be too much. I would tell Karli she’s a diva and to remember she is beautiful inside and out. I would tell Cayti that a smile is the same in every language and to sing her heart out!  To my son: we are strong enough to make it alone, but remember to always value the relationships that mean the most. The problem is I didn’t want to let any of it go, the thought of how it would all play out haunted me. It’s just as I imagined. It is a gut-wrenching battle between my mind and heart. The mind says, “You got this girl, get up and brush your knees off”. The heart, well, she is having a rather rough time. I ignore so much of life, so intensely because I know the moment I sit down to deal with it all, I will let go of so much hurt, guilt, shame, and sadness, I will be left another person. I am not ready to let go, but you had asked me to let you go… So, I did. I hope for you it was the right thing because for me I gave up my passion in life, my family. Here is to you when you make it where you want to be. I have a feeling we will both get what we want. Thank you for making me feel alive. It is our paths that are different, not the love we have for one another. Catch you on the flip-side. 😉

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