Particular Ponderings

I find myself in the same repetitive cycle. Once again, the feeling of familiarity arises during the battle of hearts. I’m choosing a different path than the many I have previously walked. I can feel wishful thinking wiggling it’s eager way to the forefront of the future. However, to walk this particular path, I must focus on the faintest of steps with no destination in mind. Sort of a let go and let it be motto… I have never understood focusing on the moment until now. It is as if I have broken free. The peace and resonance of self love is solace. I struggle with the yearning to heal those I can see are broken, but now comes the time I must revive my soul. I will always lend the one hand and forever it will be there to help direct humanity to love, but the other hand must console me. I celebrate hope moment by moment and smile knowing it will construct what is meant to be.

✌🏼💛☯️

John 14:16-17

“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.”

Am I Found?

Just like that… I’m back,

I’m in the purple of the flame;

The all that’s not to blame.

You might have felt as though, you gave me the fame…

The safe part is behind that plaster you value; you still look lame.

Ha, Ha! If only you could feel it,

The righteousness of my kiss.

It is having a good heart that is bliss;

I’m sorry it’s public. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I’m sure you’re slightly pissed.

Untuck you’re shirt, you never did that before,

I’m sorry, I bet, slightly, it’s a bore.

I just hope it counts,

Your name sounds good just by the way my lips feel when I say the way it sounds.

The past is a mistake made by both of us, it weighs mounds;

I’m sorry if it is me that you think you found.

Love me one day, just don’t make it today…

As a present day drifter:  I am somewhat shattered and have taped myself back together by  risky decisions and  aspirations. The trickery of habitual roads has led me astray. My self discovery expedition has become pandemonium. My soul is full and drifting about in the energy of others, as a ship wreck full of diamonds, would slowly scatter about with every crash of ocean’s waves.

-KBJ

I was Raised by a Sociopath.

I say this uncomfortably while clamoring in the realization of events that just took place. My life is changing dramatically. Numerology has kept me aware and gave me something exciting to concentrate on. It’s a little slice of fun, as is astrology, and I truly enjoy the energy of these spiritualities. However, it’s new. A 180 degrees from the quite depressing life I was living before my family suddenly ripped to shreds; I assumed it was only appropriate to see a therapist. Ya know, to just make sure I’m still in here somewhere. The outcome was more than I had expected…

Disclaimer: I have never, EVER, met this woman before today. She was an older woman with gray, short hair, wearing men’s Dockers with a pair of glasses that reeked of,”I have a PHD”. I second guessed myself at giving her a hand shake. Why? I tend to freeze up in nervous situations. I sat down and made myself comfortable. She told me her name, I shared mine.

“Are you a gypsy?”, she asked.

“What?!?!”, I blurted out.

She immediately began to explain herself. She thought I looked like a gypsy. When I told her I had Portuguese Heritage she began to tell me the history of how the Portuguese migrated and she just knew that my Father’s Paternal Mother was a gypsy. Mind you, this is my first Therapist appt. I was blown away! I had a Medical professional sitting in front of me confirming my intuition.

I briefly answered her “textbook”, questions as she would type on the computer. I’m not sure if she was analyzing or captivated by me. I explained my relationship with my father and the failure of the family I so recently came home too. She asked me if I had watched any part of the Casey Anthony trail. All I could think to myself was that poor child. My eyes filled with tears in her explanation of what kind of woman she was and how she had no remorse.

As a tear rolled down my cheek, she asked,”Do you know what a Sociopath is?”

I immediately said,”I picture something from CSI or Murder she Wrote!” I am squirming inside wanting her to hurry to explain what she is getting at. All I could think is I’m a Sociopath. Sweet, Jesus, help me. In the two seconds it took me to convince myself I was a Sociopath, my anxiety was interrupted by the sound of her voice.

“Your Father… Your EX… Your child’s Father… They all have something in common… You were raised by a Sociopath. Now, you date them. I believe you are determined to rid the world of them”, she said with such a caring voice.

It was as if she knew how fragile I felt when I heard it. She asked me why I chose to make an appointment with her.

” I want to break cycle of unhealthy relationships that I keep I living each day”, I replied so confidently.

“We will!”, she replied eagerly.

She recommended two books: The Glass Castle and The Sociopath Next Door.

Manifesting Trance

Life stood still.

Silences becomes real.

Peace and I had made a deal.

Time has lost it’s will.

The mind is now in control,

Feel the tranquility.

Release the wicked from your soul.

Seeing into the future is an acquired ability.

-KBJ

<a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/trance/”>Trance</a&gt;