Conundrum #77,777

So is this whole being in the same place that you have before where you make different results? I don’t know if this is my meaning here or maybe my exit. I’m either here to always chose love and light no matter the situation or I’m a dumbass that’s simply insane. I am open for constructive criticism at this point ya’ll! I’ve been here many time – deciding between fighting for myself or my relationship. I keep coming to this point and I have chose both roads before. Once I turned right and stayed helping and growing- well, more apart than together – but I am sure you get the idea. I have also hung a left around the corner of my give a damns busted and went to perfect being a mom and single. So, there you have it, Universe! I broke the cycle! Time to stop the test, right? Fancy seeing you here again…

So my lovely, “love and light side ” be with me through this bout of anxiety and please persist on the reminding me to just make a damn decision!

Particular Ponderings

I find myself in the same repetitive cycle. Once again, the feeling of familiarity arises during the battle of hearts. I’m choosing a different path than the many I have previously walked. I can feel wishful thinking wiggling it’s eager way to the forefront of the future. However, to walk this particular path, I must focus on the faintest of steps with no destination in mind. Sort of a let go and let it be motto… I have never understood focusing on the moment until now. It is as if I have broken free. The peace and resonance of self love is solace. I struggle with the yearning to heal those I can see are broken, but now comes the time I must revive my soul. I will always lend the one hand and forever it will be there to help direct humanity to love, but the other hand must console me. I celebrate hope moment by moment and smile knowing it will construct what is meant to be.

✌🏼💛☯️

John 14:16-17

“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.”

Am I Found?

Just like that… I’m back,

I’m in the purple of the flame;

The all that’s not to blame.

You might have felt as though, you gave me the fame…

The safe part is behind that plaster you value; you still look lame.

Ha, Ha! If only you could feel it,

The righteousness of my kiss.

It is having a good heart that is bliss;

I’m sorry it’s public. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I’m sure you’re slightly pissed.

Untuck you’re shirt, you never did that before,

I’m sorry, I bet, slightly, it’s a bore.

I just hope it counts,

Your name sounds good just by the way my lips feel when I say the way it sounds.

The past is a mistake made by both of us, it weighs mounds;

I’m sorry if it is me that you think you found.

And I Thought it was me, saving you…

All this time I thought it was me; saving you. Although, I can’t quite figure out the place I am in now, I know there’s something to come of this. It feels like a wildfire ready to burn bright. There’s just not too many ashes for it to ignite. I never realizes how safe you made feel. I was so secure with life before. Now, or feels as if it’s moving steadily around me as I am trying to figure where to stand so that it does my head ahold of me. There is such betrayal in expectations. We are better served in adapting to love instead of expecting it. It’s about what we give, not what we receive. Passion leads us to a routine that feels appropriate and we begin living it. – Without any intention of keeping it. If only I had known the future I was able to see with you. I knew it every time it spoke to me. I would have told you sooner if I had believed you weren’t experiencing the same thing. At this point, I don’t whether to run to or from it. So, don’t leave the decision to me. My choices are irrelevant to the future that’s seeking me.

I was Raised by a Sociopath.

I say this uncomfortably while clamoring in the realization of events that just took place. My life is changing dramatically. Numerology has kept me aware and gave me something exciting to concentrate on. It’s a little slice of fun, as is astrology, and I truly enjoy the energy of these spiritualities. However, it’s new. A 180 degrees from the quite depressing life I was living before my family suddenly ripped to shreds; I assumed it was only appropriate to see a therapist. Ya know, to just make sure I’m still in here somewhere. The outcome was more than I had expected…

Disclaimer: I have never, EVER, met this woman before today. She was an older woman with gray, short hair, wearing men’s Dockers with a pair of glasses that reeked of,”I have a PHD”. I second guessed myself at giving her a hand shake. Why? I tend to freeze up in nervous situations. I sat down and made myself comfortable. She told me her name, I shared mine.

“Are you a gypsy?”, she asked.

“What?!?!”, I blurted out.

She immediately began to explain herself. She thought I looked like a gypsy. When I told her I had Portuguese Heritage she began to tell me the history of how the Portuguese migrated and she just knew that my Father’s Paternal Mother was a gypsy. Mind you, this is my first Therapist appt. I was blown away! I had a Medical professional sitting in front of me confirming my intuition.

I briefly answered her “textbook”, questions as she would type on the computer. I’m not sure if she was analyzing or captivated by me. I explained my relationship with my father and the failure of the family I so recently came home too. She asked me if I had watched any part of the Casey Anthony trail. All I could think to myself was that poor child. My eyes filled with tears in her explanation of what kind of woman she was and how she had no remorse.

As a tear rolled down my cheek, she asked,”Do you know what a Sociopath is?”

I immediately said,”I picture something from CSI or Murder she Wrote!” I am squirming inside wanting her to hurry to explain what she is getting at. All I could think is I’m a Sociopath. Sweet, Jesus, help me. In the two seconds it took me to convince myself I was a Sociopath, my anxiety was interrupted by the sound of her voice.

“Your Father… Your EX… Your child’s Father… They all have something in common… You were raised by a Sociopath. Now, you date them. I believe you are determined to rid the world of them”, she said with such a caring voice.

It was as if she knew how fragile I felt when I heard it. She asked me why I chose to make an appointment with her.

” I want to break cycle of unhealthy relationships that I keep I living each day”, I replied so confidently.

“We will!”, she replied eagerly.

She recommended two books: The Glass Castle and The Sociopath Next Door.

Edgy Ego’s

Your narcissistic ways,
Crash into me like waves.
Insanity created a maze,
Trapped in a manifesting daze.

You make it hard
I don’t want you to stay.
You make it hard.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
You make it hard.
It will haunt you someday.

A tightness grows inside,
Not in you, but in myself I must confide.
The tears rest on the lashes of my eyes,
Will fame make you feel alive?

You make it hard.
Telling the truth with lies.
You make it hard.
Please don’t open my eyes.
You make it hard .
No need to say goodbye.

How can your infamy save us all?
In seclusion, guilt will stand tall.
Being so high will make it hard to catch us if we fall.
Yesterday, we had it, everything! Do you not recall?

You make it hard.
Don’t go to far!
You make it hard.
We’ve just dealt the cards.
You make it hard.
Who are you behind the guitar?

Embrace the distance,
For I will inevitability fight the resistance.
Glory are your days of temperance?
Leave it to the past for remembrance.

Keep practicing, now you are learning…
While I have your attention let me explain the yearning.
I mean as much as you, this I can say with certainty.
Give it back, my love, I will cherish it for eternity.

You make it hard .
Let yourself be free…
Because I am through with you inside of me.

Crazy Loon

Vyvanse is vain.

We can all still see your pain.

If only you’d wrap that around your brain.

Your memories are making us insane!

Look in the mirror…

You will see fear!

Let me hold you dear;

Give me the wheel to steer.

We all love you so,
Where did you go?

Be yourself, we are the only ones who will know.

Something different from our usual show.

I hope I don’t offend you,

But excuses give me the flu.

Ramble is all that you do!

It’s okay, here, let US move…

Take it all over;

We expect no closure!
That game will make you a loner.

Deal us in on that game of poker.

-KBJ

Dancing with Fire

I want so badly for you to understand;

You are the warrior kind of man.

I will always be your fan.

Confide in me, I promise that you can.

It is imperative I tell you my secret.

It’s similar to Cleopatra in Egypt.

It becoming more and more frequent.

I can help that love is my weakness…

You may lack the attention.

But lucky for me I like ambition.

Glad we could both be a part of the transition.

Maybe one day I will be able to listen.

-KBJ