Why does it feel so wrong to chose myself? I’ve been here too many times to count. A whirl wind romance on the fritz staggering between falling apart or becoming toxic. I’m not a victim. I know my faults, flaws, and wrong doings. I know I continue the vicious cycle, I cringe at the first flare up of an argument because I know it is the beginning of a down hill battle of respect among one another. I know this path better than the route home from work. I run with the idea that different actions will create different reactions. I have been loving, selfish, understanding, distant, and as a last resort committed to therapy! None of them of which have changed the outcome.
I’ve lost myself in the conundrum of , “Can people really change?”. We are human. We make mistakes. We also learn and grow, is there a rule book somewhere that justifies a fair fight? How many times does someone get to overstep boundaries before the refs calls a personal foul? Or maybe I need to look within for the answers. Is it a matter of low self-esteem and poor choices? Did I accept a mission from the universe to help heal those that have almost given up? This is my life, my choices, and what I allow, but I struggle with leaving. I would say it is 90% because I’m worried they will give up on themselves again and 10% of not wanting to be alone. My solution, space. I ask for space to be upset, clear my head, and recharge. All any man ever seems to hear when I say this is, “I hate you and I am giving up”. So, not what happens in the movies, right? What happened to sending flower just because she makes you smile?
It is a repetitive pattern. So I can only assume this is between me and Karma, but damn it, when will I get it right? I am an acquaintance with all my ex’s. It makes me sick to my stomach to hear, ” I feel like I don’t deserve you”. I have heard it all too many times, but it brings me to my latest epiphany. Where are the “middle men”. at? The one’s that aren’t perfect or rich, but they want to provide for their family and respect women? I feel like it is a choice of conforming to the lifestyle of a man that is rich to feel as though your are with a provider or dismantle your self-respect to be with someone that give the illusion of being in love with who you really are until it comes to fruition. I’m soul that has to roam free, so there will be no conforming for the sake of a false sense of security. I want so badly to draw the line in sand when it comes to falling in love with illusion, but it tricks me better and better each go around.
My thoughts are jaded and my heart is confused. As I look around at couples, I can’t help, but think it’s an unspoken acceptance of settling. He has the money, she has the looks. Ya know, the cliche type of political relationships you see where one benefits from the other, but the benefit is not that of love. I’m not perfect and I am too rough around the edges to date a man with my career focus. Nor am I willing to sacrifice my hopes and dreams to stay at home with the children. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t contribute just because I want someone available in my small amount of free time. I guess it is silly to think there is something in between, huh? I’m a mom that is married to her career…
” Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will wake up and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore.” -Lady Gaga