[Not today, Satan; Not today.]

Life has been wonderful! I made the decision to what was best for me about a month ago. It shook up the world around me and effected many of my close relationships. However, it felt so great! I finally did it! I put ME in front of everyone else. It was exhilarating, a breath of fresh air how renewing it felt. I was totally, utterly, happy with my life! Hours, days, and nearly a month filled with positive energy and bliss. My decision made the divide between those who respected me and those who didn’t which became more obvious as time went on. It didn’t matter this time, though. Usually, I would over-think and let anxiety drag me down by wondering what I could have done differently. Or on the other hand, my other famous move of co-dependency. Except, I was pulled toward the enjoyment of justice and empowerment. It was a high that can’t be explained, but only felt. The coincidental plan of the universe was in motion and in my benefit.

You may be wondering now where Satan comes into play… I assure you I am getting there. This is a time of growth, and uncharted grounds and resulted battling those closest to me. My son is a piece of my soul out in the world exploring where his place might be. However, at 2, going on 3, this little boy wants to be free and destroy any boundary that may get in the way of his exploration. Which in return means mommy is NOT someone he will listen to. We had weeks of fierce battle over night-night time, eating breakfast, hitting, screaming, throwing things, and what he was going to wear. I ran plum out of discipline ideas. Who can I ask for help? Who has this parenting thing figured out?

My father was never a real, communicator. A man of very few words, those that were usually of the negative nature. My mother was a rocket of adventure, brightening any room she walked in. Talk about, yin and yang… My mother passed when I was  2 and 1/2, so I turn to my father in those really tough moments. His usual response, “It is what it is”, or , ” There are children out there with no legs, that would love to have the problems you’re crying about if they could get their legs back”. Obviously, not your ordinary parental advice. Never the less, he knew how let children be free and grow without restriction. An interesting dabble in my childhood, but not exactly the advice I was searching for. Let’s keep moving.

My boyfriend… Where do I begin? Well, I would say I loved him before we had met. It was a twin flame sort of situation. However, I had no idea what was about to take place. He was such a breath of fresh air. He was not perfect, but had talent and ambition  that was out of this world. Above all else, he helped me provide, he knew what a man’s role was with a woman. He held the door and was eager to pay the bills. He admired my success, but I made sure he knew he could utterly more successful than I if he wanted to. He listened, he battled alcohol and addiction issues and he got the help he needed. Little did I know this would soon turn into a therapist lead, 4 pill regimen of happiness. I was happy to see him addressing the issues head on, but I had lost who he was. Are you ready for the cherry on top? He quit his job, to become a rockstar…

There is also my mentor, Jim. He is like a father to me. A man full of charisma and confidence. Although, in my early twenties, when he hired me, we did not get along; I am like a daughter to him today. He brags on me to everyone in the business and has made me his, “right hand man”. He valued and respected me. We were close. Close to the point my father was jealous. Jim always had my well-being in mind, he made to sure to watch out for me. He would tell others,” If I was going to a fire fight in Vietnam, I would take my wife or her”. It was crippling inside to tell my mentor that all the success and responsibility he trusted me with, I did not want anymore. A $30,000 pay cut and the man who had made himself my father figured understood, I needed change. This is the same man who didn’t talk to me for a week when I became engaged to a loser’s excuse for a man. He sensed I was needed elsewhere. He fought the politics and money motivated sales world we lived in to place me back at my previous location with his son’s. A man prideful on his mentor ship, looked the other way, so that I could seek comfort in my life because I thought my work environment weighed down my daily life. What I really wanted to do was concentrate on writing.

It was a whirlwind of clairvoyant coincidence. I was being selfish to be happy. Why did it feel so wrong? Everyone around me did it. I was even part of the grand plans for their lives. I for once was putting my relentless efforts into myself. It is in that moment that I came to realize who genuinely wanted to see me happy. I didn’t feel resentful that they weren’t like me. I was finally relieved that I could do something for myself, I was the beneficiary of my hard-work. Divinity will always prevail for I am on a journey destined by universe and my potential will be enjoyed by those that I had lost my patience with. I am centered and at home, once again.



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